How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Do you genuinely think it’s ok that at the weekend, when we’re both in the house, that I am still expected to do every single thing that is required around the house and with the children? Really?

Applause

OP was a 21 year old graduate, who chose, in 2021, to have children, become a STAH mum with a rich property owning man 20 years her senior , instead of getting a job. Why are you assuming she’s a victim?

But she will have less resentment and will not have to perform any emotional labour for her indentured labour contract holder husband.

She will likely have more time for her self too.

Yes this is more like his average day. He plays a lot of golf too.

They're supposed to be a family. It's a family home. It's not his. It's theirs. That's the whole point. I reckon people like you will never ever get the difference. I've known men like you. They end up alone because they cannot get to grips with the idea that family means no more my assets/ your assets. Family means having a joint vision and working towards it as a partnership with whatever resources you both have. Honestly, it's not easy. We've had ups and downs - better and worse - largely because of health scares. But however hard it is, it's absolutely impossible without a joint vision. If it's one person pitted against another. One with the power the other with no choice, then actually it's not going to work for either.

TBF, when I was a SHM my husband did very around the house and I wouldn't expect him to. You've signed up for an affluent life style but you have little protection. Would your partner go for counseling or pay for help sk you coukd update your professional qualifications? Decide what you want but be prepared that life is unlikely to get easier but if you decide to leave, you can become your own person.

Of course he plays golf. Of course he does.

She has no access to income and no say in how the money in their relationship is spent. That’s textbook financial abuse.

No, but I know SAHMs whose partner’s expected that (I’ve known Mums who work part time who take most of the weekend load too, and serious conversations had to be had - full time working Dads often feel entitled to pursue their own interests at weekends - for some reason it’s often cycling). He is being completely unreasonable to expect you to have no downtime.

??? She would be in the same position if he leaves or she leaves.

I’m not the pp, but no, I don’t think that’s ok-but you did choose to have two children with this man.

There have been a lot of replies now. Have you thought about some of the suggestions made?

You should be more concerned about being in a really financially vulnerable position than him not doing the hoovering.

Sadly you sound like his mistress with kids. Will he pay you off generously? Why has he never offered marriage- or if he has, why haven’t you gotten married?

Lol you have a low bar. Im a SAHM while my husband is at work, but in evenings and on weekends, we share everything.

No she wouldn't. If she voluntarily makes herself homeless there will be a period which she has no money to cover before benefits kick in. If he hires a nanny and housekeeper in that time she's fucked.

@laurini Are your children at home with you in the day? Then fair enough.

Yup I've known these men too. To be honest, on some level I feel sorry for them. They have no real relationship..... Their partners resent them and their kids don't know them
They think their golf/cycling buddies respect them, but actually they don't give a shit about each other. The men like this I've known have ended up isolated and alone ultimately. A number of them separate when the kids are older (as spouse resented them for years). It's when it comes to grandchildren you see how alone they are. They go after a relationship with their kids in order to try and connect with the grandkids, but their children have none of it. Sometimes they marry again, but those relationships seem more convenient than anything else.

I personally don't have a low bar at all and would never have gone into that relationship.

But if she agreed with him at the time that's what would happen, then there's no reason why he would or should agree to change that now.

And there are plenty of women who would agree to that relationship if it gave them a lifestyle that other women would drool over.

Unfortunately we are being given no details of the likely holidays, lovely house, posh car , etc that goes with that kind of income, only that she's fed up with him not doing any child care or housework.

I suspect in the absence of any other information that she has fallen out of love with him and that has completely changed the dynamic of that relationship.

So when you say things like ‘can you stack the dishwasher, bins need putting out.’ What does he do? Surely you don’t just do it all without saying anything?!

Nope. She didn't "sign up" to be a 24/7 maid and solo parent.

In that situation the person who works outside the home should still be contributing an equal amount to the parenting and running the household (and by that I mean tasks not financially) as the person who stays at home. Even when all my children are in school, I will not be taking on 100% of the parenting and housework or mental load all of the time. Not a chance.

@littleorangefox But yet you expect him to do 100% of going out and earning money?

But that isn't what she agreed to and the first child is school age before she decides she wants to change it. Something else has gone wrong in this relationship and my bet is that she no longer loves him.

There are lots and lots of relationships with very rich men that run on exactly the same basis. It suits some women, the OP is no longer one of them.

none of that is remotely comparable to raising small children which is a 24/7 job with no break. well most people do get a break because they have spouses, obviously, but not in this case.

having a job, a commute, a boss is NORMAL i can’t see why you’re making such a fuss about it. the husband also gets tea breaks, alone time, sick days, adult conversations, uninterrupted nights sleep.

your attitude is so bizarre honestly

I wonder how many of the posters on this forum think how women with a partner away in the armed forces or working x weeks on x weeks off on ships or oil rigs, etc. cope with being totally responsible for the home? What about single parents scraping by on benefits?

What exactly is so uniquely dreadful about this situation when it probably comes with some very nice extras?