How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Oh, for heaven’s sake. Of course marriage would change the situation. The court will look at the length of the marriage including pre-marriage co-habitation. In any event, they have children!! That’s a pretty good reason why she would get more than child maintenance. Why on earth do people comment on the legal position when they don’t have a clue what they are talking about ?😡

However, the chances of this man marrying OP are exceedingly small. These men know exactly what they are doing.

How can she talk to her husband ? She hasn’t got a husband? Yes she’s being supported but she also has his two small children.

It's extremely normal for people to feel like they have every single obstacle in their way when they want to leave.

Yet she's on here getting ideas for how to make a plan, she's taking the first step. And if people hadn't piled on it could have been a very positive one where she gained confidence and hope it would be possible and had the start of her plan, but instead so much of it has been pure nasty and people trying to kick a young woman when she's down.

There is no reason whatsoever to think that the OP has it in her head that she can leave and have the same lifestyle. This is just something that yourself and others have decided.

It’s obviously not her choice to do it 24/7 though is it? most SAHMs still have partners who pull their weight evenings and weekends otherwise you’d literally never get a break, even for an hour, for years and years.

Having a job gives you financial independence. If you decide to leave your partner, it’s a lot easier if you can support yourself and your children.

Something tells me that when she sees the struggles to get a foothold via the Boots/burger king/MaccyD graduate trainee programmes with 50 jobs and 2000 applicants, she will suddenly have more 'feelings' for her partner and will happily tick over with life again...

All the time encouraging him to get married or sign over assets to her.. Naturally.

I have a feeling that if he's truly smart enough to earn 14,000 a month ir whatever has been quoted on thus thread, he will be smart enough to stall and eventually walk away and not look back.

Do you not have access to any money ? That is abuse. If it’s his own company he’s more likely to wriggle out of paying maintenance unfortunately.

This whole situation sounds quite abusive actually. Certainly controlling in nature and financially abusive .

The trouble is that before you have children, you have really not much clue about what having them actually means in terms of being responsible for another human being. Sure you can get it intellectually but the reality is often a hell of a a shock. So don't beat yourself up for where you find yourself. You are where you are but my advice would be to think a bit strategically about the future and in the short term maybe you might be better biding your time and exploring your options and realistically assessing what works best for you before acting. Taking small steps in the direction you want to go rather than one giant leap into the unknown and almost certain poverty.

You're still very young, you have a good degree so don't lose heart just keep your cool and think long term about your next steps. You will have more options to work once your very young children are at nursery or school and as I say, you are still well under thirty. You just have to take the chances as you can but be pragmatic about it would be my advice. Who knows, once the initial heavy lifting of early childhood is over, you might find you're less resentful of your partner and the relationship improves, especially if you feel less trapped by it?

Just don't get pregnant again.

This thread is insane. OP has literally nothing, if he left her tomorrow she would have no assets at all and no way to support her children, He knows exactly what he is doing here, if he genuinely cared about her the house would be in joint names. He is protecting all his own assets which keeps her tied to him rather than having any autonomy about choosing to be in a relationship. It's extremely controlling.

You win today's award for pedantry.

You cannot have missed the fact that I meant partner.

She's never had a commute.

Never had a boss.

Never faced redundancy, restructuring, disciplining at work.

Jesus....

She's hardly being abused!!!!! Sheltered more like.

When did women trot out this word 'abuse' in the context of choices so often??????

She saw his life at 20years old, went "ill have a bit of that!" and the rest is history.... 5 years history, so in the scheme of things not much history or 'abuse'...

For women genuinely being abused, beaten, frightened, this thread is laughable...

Ah...you're the one who feels sorry for this mid 40s man with his 20 something year old partner who he met when she was fresh out of college, because she has the audacity to think he should maybe do a little parenting or housework from time to time 😂

If he did leave he'd be doing her a favour so I'd be in favour of him leaving.

However I think the amount of people in the feeling sorry for him/good for you club would be very tiny, most other people in real life would think he was an absolute idiot tbh 😂

God you are so sad. I ve a feeling you're a man. A very very bitter one. One that wouldn't understand a partnership with a woman and a healthy attitude to parental responsibility if it hit you in the head. Your misogyny is shocking.

What was the agreement between you about finances, property ownership, sharing money, sharing of housework and parenting, your career before you had the children? Has he stuck to what he agreed? If he has substantial assets and is a high earner his friends may have urged him to be cautious and to protect his assets from you. He is 20 years older than- you have 20 more years of potential earning than he has. Does he have children from a previous marriage? At least he’s not likely to seek shared residence (given he largely ignores the children) so you can at least ask him for child maintenance. While you can claim UC (and get maintenance from him on top of this) you will need to look to your own future earning as well. Can you refresh your qualifications? I hope it works out.

If he leaves her tomorrow she would be supported by you and me.

It is only if she leaves him that she has a big problem.

Do you seriously think OP is on a better position that women on graduate training programs. You are so clearly a man.

I wonder why OP didn't get married

She most likely lives in a nice house with no expenses

Why can’t she change her mind? It’s a relationship not prison.

I ve done both. Have you? I'd choose a job and financial freedom any day of the week. And I'm so grateful I'm married to a man secure enough in himself to see me as an equal. I could not even imagine the hell of SAHMing when I had no access to money.

It's only the pathetic loser men who cannot bring themselves to acknowledge their partners as equal and therefore validate their abusive behavior like you do. I've been lucky enough to avoid them in my life.

When he started paying a 20 year mortgage for his home, she wasn't yet in primary school, she was barely even born...

Yet she should have half the house after knowing him 5yrs??? Nuts!!!!

Yes. So if a lot of women work and do housework / childcare why should her husband do 0% even on weekends?

Thats a really good point id forgotten that rule..
All the more reason OP should bin the man if hes refusing to pay for childcare to let her work when he takes home 14k a month!