How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Some of these responses are appalling in 2026.
I can only assume some posters are jealous that OP was able to find a rich partner.
I loved spending time with my children, but I never was, nor wanted to be, a SAHM.
Whilst some posters are claiming that it is ‘objectively’ harder to go out to work, it was not my experience.
I hated the boring repetitiveness of constant housework. I’ve had some bad managers but none of them have ever screamed for 5 minutes non stop and kicked me in the shins because I’d cut their sandwiches in the wrong shape ( which was the right shape the day before). Nor have they immediately trashed something it took me ages to create - like a tidy house.
What is the point of saying that OP has made her bed, etc? She knows that she’s made a mistake and is asking for advice about how to leave.

Do you have access to any money op? If he’s bringing home 14k a month surely you can outsource some of the domestic stuff? Get a cleaner, put the kids in nursery?

You need to focus on getting back into work, pharmacy is a great career so definitely work out how you can get back on the career path.

"IT" .... It?????

You just showed your hand. I'd take a bet you are a man. I know very few women that would refer to a child as it. Even fewer who can't see the wood for the trees when it comes to financial abuse and coercive control.

The amount of entitled men on this thread trying to argue that female serfhood is actually a free choice.

If you are a sahm that does mean you do all the childcare and chores, that is literally your role. If I were you I'd get a part time job and I assume you will get some free funded hours for your child? Or even if you need to pay you are working so it can come out of that and as you are working he will need to help out more with the home. You can't really have it both ways. I've always worked part time to keep my hand in work plus you do usually need time away from the kids for sanity reasons. See what jobs you could get term time if childcare an issue. Everyone can use tax free childcare which reduces it 20percent. Go and speak to Citizens advice, if you want to leave and get housing but I imagine the list is huge for housing. I'm sure your partner won't want to leave his kids homeless. You need a serious conversation with you partner.

Is there not a conversion degree for those in yoir situation? Like a one year refresher? In the meantime look into refreshing your mind? 6 years or so isn’t that long to be unable to refresh your memory. There are plenty of resources available these days. Granted having the children might make it harder for you to switch your brain into learning mode so soon but you can do it.

Yes, loads of men on this thread and I doubt any actually have children (or will find a woman who wants children with them).

No there isn't a conversion degree. You have to do the pre reg year shortly after the degree to qualify.

By being a SAHM you’ve made yourself really vulnerable career wise and financially but if you separate you will be entitled to universal credit and stuff as you don’t work, maintenance and potentially a share of the house - but you need a solicitor to advise on this really.

We aren’t married but I’ve always worked and everything is shared and we have life cover to protect each other etc - marriage isn’t important to us but the legalities of stuff are very important. We have everything in place even LPOA in the event of one us becoming poorly and deteriorating quickly.

Get a free hour at a solicitors and start gathering some information

pension statements
life cover policy
mortgage statements
copies of utility bills
car finance paperwork
info on any investments
his national insurance number
his p60 from the last financial year

good luck

I don’t think the OP really wants to work. She doesn’t like the situation that she found herself in due to poor decisions but the idea of actually going out and doing some work is not an option. Hence the many many excuses as to why she cannot do anything.

Why does she need to get most of that info, they aren’t married. Apart from earnings and that’s iffy as it’s his own business the rest has nothing to do with her.

Theworldsgonemadagain · Today 19:31
If you are a sahm that does mean you do all the childcare and chores, that is literally your role.

I was a SAHM for 4 years, what a relief to have married a decent man who didn’t hold this view.

I think OP made a mistake with her choices after uni, but what’s done is done. OP you clearly have the ability to find a good job having studied a difficult degree. Talk to your partner, explain you want to go back to education and work now your youngest will soon start nursery. Make a plan but please don’t give up on your future.

That's great... They both work. So one would expect that the finances are split 50 50 right, as they both work?

How about we organize it such that OP actually receives the salary and the husband gets his expenses?

The issue here is not being a SAHM. I did that for two years. It was horrifically hard. So I went back to a high paid career where I could actually have a cup or tea and pee in private a few times a day. Fair dues to the women who can do this. I'm nothing but respectful of them.

The issue is the fact that yer man is earning a fortune and dolling out just enough cash to her to keep her indentured. That's the issue. When I stayed at home, myself and OH planned a vision for the whole family that worked for us all as a family. This included bills paid and equal access to left over spending money. We were partners. I was not an indentured servant. I think it would have killed him to think I felt trapped. I could have left at any point.... Because I had equal access to enough money to leave.

The posters on this thread that are pretending they can't see the difference... My bet - they are pathetic men who could never actually have this type of partnership and so aspire to the type of relationship where a woman finds herself trapped through financial abuse.

It looks the same to me, PropertyD, given the number of comments about she "can't" do this or that

Like it or not the lifestyle simply won't be the same if she leaves, or if he beats her to it and asks her to. Even benefits won't provide anything like it sounds as if she's had (nor should they) and on her own she'll still be doing everything

Housework and childcare is unpaid. If you had a nanny/housekeeper and fed, clothed her and gave her a roof over her head, but no salary, that would be modern slavery - wouldn’t it?

Christ there’s some shite being written on here. Marry him, yeah because in short marriages you are entitled to a lot. Not. Sigh.

op you’re mid 20s, you’re only entitled to child maintenance and benefits. You will get free child care hours. You can make it work.

just tell him you wish to separate. You will need to rent a flat with the maintenance money, put a claim in for benefits. And then yes you will need to work.

That is a given. The first step now is to talk to her husband. We don't even know if he would now suggest marriage. We don't know if he would support her getting a job. We don't know much, in fact, except that she had been happy for a while to live supported by a rich man but no longer is.

'find your way back' huh???

She's never worked full time. Pregnant at 21.

Career?

This thread gets farcical with the facts.

She has a degree. That's it. No professional qualification post-degree, no membership of a profession... She's just a bog standard graduate like last years 1million grads and the million before that in 2024, and million before that in 2023...

She needs a job. Any job. Then her income from that job needs to go on half the child care and paying half the bills fir her house, her home, her food etc.

Sadly though, the job she is capable of getting now is miles off being able to pay for the above... Her share.

HENCE EL PROBLEMO... And pondering "how can I keep him paying for everything whilst also doing what I want???"

I say again. Pity.

Didn't Kanye sing a good song... Gold digga.... A tale as old as time.

:)

Sorry if this has already been asked but have you sat him down and actually said that you no longer want to be a SAHM and you would like to start working again?

If so, has he point blank refused to 'allow' you to go back to work or something?

Could you just job hunt and look for nurseries off your own back regardless of what he says? I believe the rules have changed now so babies from 9 months old can have 15 free hours if both parents are working/1 parent working part time or 3o free hours if its both working full time (best double checking though) so if you just applied im sure you would be able to get a space for him without any need of approval from your partner? Tbh though if hes trying to control your life and the finances in an attempt to stop you having a career or anything for yourself he needs to go in the bin!

Great for him ... because you're not married so have no protection or entitlement to half of the family income because it's 'his'

You need to leave him asap as you're being financially abused

Whatever you do, OP, please be aware that on MN there are some very perverse advisers - sometimes I think they are driven by anything, but good faith. I wrote in my previous post that a friend of mine split up on the advice of her 'best friend' who was clearly jealous of her life style and my dear friend ended up on her arse, with nothing and for a while she was truly desperate. Many women on MN drone on 'you deserve better' - without knowing people they advise - what if they do not deserve better? Or, what if they do deserve better, but won't ever get this 'better'. Weigh all your options, OP - imagine doing very well on leaving him, but also imagine doing very much worse - living in a social housing next door to violent drug addicts (yes, it happens), doing all the stuff you are doing now, only not being paid a penny in child maintenance - if he goes for 50/50. And having to pay for everything by yourself, or the first time in your life - you may not like it.

Be very very weary of MN radical advisers, all I am saying.

They won’t qualify for free hours because one of them earns over £100k

Housework and childcare was the OP’s CHOICE!!! Her partner is financially supporting her CHOICE!!! She could’ve chosen differently, but she obviously wanted to become a SAHM. Being a SAHP involves work!!!!

I kinda agree but I think it’s because she lacks confidence in how to make it work. She’s not previously got her career off the ground so she doesn’t believe she can do it, but she can. Everyone can work (serious health problems aside), she just needs to get her foot in the door.

My concern is that some of the silly comments on this thread which make it sound like having a job is some amazing accomplishment, rather than an everyday thing for almost every living human, will get in her head and further set her back.

Have you checked rules re pharmacy. From a quick search it appears you have 8 years from starting degree to complete pre reg year and there are exceptions for exceptional circumstances. It would be worth contacting them asap.

She could actually have a pretty good lifestyle eventually if she leaves and is only doing 50 percent of childcare (or if he pays CM) especially once both children are in school.She could have a good career if not worn down by doing everything around the house and all the childcare.