How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

No i wouldn't, especially if he was looking after young children. Going to work doesn't absolve you of all home and childcare responsibilities. The sahp should not be treated as the live in slave. I've been on all sides of this, being a sahm with a man like this was hell, I'm now a single working mum and it's alot better. House and childcare doesn't stop at 5.30 so once home everyone should help.

How on earth do you think working women manage. She is not CEO of the house. She is looking after her children, living in a house she is not helping to pay for because she has chosen to not work.

Her work is all of those things. Unless of course you think she should use her partner’s money to cover off those roles? Then what would she do doing all day. Supervising the hired help?

She was studying pharmacology but didn't know anything about contraception? (twice)

Good grief.

As previous posters have said, some young women are just gold diggers. They find the gold, then 5 years later discover the seam has run out...

Pity.

@PropertyD Not CEO of the house made me laugh!!!

Working women usually manage because their partner does his share around the house. Plus there is a lot less housework if the children are in nursey or school all day.

Pharmacy is not the same as pharmacology. Pretty disgusting to suggest that OP is a gold digger.

Well starting making plans

You still have a science degree. There's other things you can do, just Google it.

He wont pay for childcare but your wages should cover that.

If she has no money of her own, she is trapped. She can't work because he won't pay for childcare.

No, I would tell that most working people have to do some housework too and that the father of her children is not her personal servant.

OP you need to find your way back to a well paying career. Can you study after theyre in bed? if DH doesn’t know you want out would he pay for childcare so you can study?

Speak to Women’s Aid OP. If you genuinely have no access to any money you are being financially abused and are trapped in your relationship.

There are options and they will help you figure it out by discussing your situation.

She would need to pay for childcare in advance and she has no money of her own.

As would most people.

This topic really never fails to bring out the most toxic views on MN.

Someone posted that they felt sorry for the man 😂😂 You really couldn't make it up.

Plus they share childcare costs.

I DON’T think she wants to work!!! She doesn’t seem to like it!!! She wants to moan about how “hard done by” her life is.

Do we have any information about whether the OP has attempted to discuss this with her husband? I don't think so.

And of course that's the first action she should take.

If she had finished qualifying as a pharmacist (it would have only taken another year) she would have a well paid job by now. Being a SAHM has certainly not been a good deal for her

That's why having a baby instead of completing the training was such a terrible idea, made even worse because she chose to go ahead with this with no security at all

No doubt the £ signs were shining brightly, but all too predictably it's become a mess, and worse still OP needs to tread carefully because there's nothing to stop him asking her to leave. He probably wouldn't even need to pay for childcare because with that amount of money there'll be another woman only too willing to take OP's place

She was foolish to have agreed to it in the first place. But she chose this.

I do feel for the OP because feeling trapped is a horrible feeling. Also I feel really bad that this thread has become derailed with a more general "philosophical" argument when actually this woman was just looking for advice on her predicament.

OP in your shoes what I would do is simply go out and get a job, any job, related to your degree or not. There will be time for retraining later. Once you have one, tell your DP that you've got a job so you need to find childcare solutions together. His reaction to that will either be good, or it will be bad. If its bad, it will at least set the wheels in motion for some kind of change, and that will probably involve leaving him, but ny that stage you will have a job and all this will feel much less scary.

No one reads the threads

No rights , except maintenance for the kids.

Unless he asks for 50/50

I highly doubt he’d marry her.

NOT MARRIED - that’s a massive part of her story.

He isn't that rich and doesn't sound like he passes the money on. Really doubt young women will be queuing up to look after his children and be his slave just so they can live in his house.