How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

He isn’t paying her though. It’s board and lodgings. It’s essentially slavery.

You're young enough to start over OP, he was never going to agree to you having an equal share in the house or having a career and he never will. Don't still be here in ten years though. I always say this on these threads but you can absolutely go on a joint mortgage/joint house purchase with no income, it doesn't matter as long as one of you earns enough to cover the mortgage. So if he told you you couldn't he was lying.

Does nothing but work and pay for everything. So not much then Hmm. Anyway if you aren't happy with the set up something needs to change. If you leave and get a job life will be a lot harder . You should be entitled to help with childcare costs. But financially I would think you'll be a lot worse off.

I agree. Much better to stand on your own two feet by both contributing financially and both sharing the load at home. Equal partners. If either parent wants to be a sahp then that’s between them.

Pharmacy is a great career. You can easily get out of this (well not easily but it's doable). You will need to refresh your knowledge but I can't imagine that you wouldn't be able to get your pre-reg year done and qualify fully.

Are there any pharmacists on this thread who can assist the OP with what she'd need to do? I know the "shortage" of pharmacists isn't what it seems, but I am guessing the OP could find a job?

You say he won't pay for childcare but what is he going to do, leave the kids at home on their own when you go out to work? He'll have to. You are not the default parent, whether married or not.

She has to do it all on the weekends too.

I'm sure the OP would have no issue doing the majority but just wants him to do some. Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all and it's how decent men tend to handle it.

There's a lot wrong with expecting a SAHP to do ALL of it, hence why a huge amount of those relationships will end in separation/divorce, and in the meantime before the couple split the intimacy and connection often dies completely. It does not make for a happy relationship, unless the couple enjoy a trad wife set up.

I have no idea about your industry but would a course like this help you feel more confident? https://www.cppe.ac.uk/career/return-to-practice?utm_source=chatgpt.com

If I were in your position I would be looking for any work and a nursery place for your little one, even for a few sessions a week. I know that's easier said than done but there is work out there. You need to be aiming for over £10k. Would you feel able to tutor science-based subjects?

What do you do for money at the moment? Does he give you money for personal spending? Can you use this to pay for child care or start saving?

it sounds like you need to play the long game here unfortunately - he doesn’t sounds like a keeper or like you love him, but would it be easier to stay for now, have the stability and try to save money and make a plan?

What is the relationship like? does he love you? Have you discussed marriage? It would be the very long game but can you get married now so you have more rights when you leave in a few years?

as he earns so much Why won’t he pay towards childcare? Why won’t he pay for you to study? When both the kids are at school you’ll need something to do?!

also this is a very hard age with 2 young kids, it’s very isolating and difficult even with a supportive partner, it does get better though and does pass, but you do need time for you so you don’t lose yourself in there. Does he have no better no nature that you can appeal to?!

It is NOT slavery!!! Some posters are being ridiculous. Being a SAHP is work!!! Just like working full time is work!!!

"Some posters are being ridiculous"

Yes YOU!
You are 'some posters'.

You're advocating for the type of set up that has an extremely high failure rate and which much of society has rightfully moved on from.

The free weekly 15 hours nursery, if her 2nd DC is old enough, would give her some time to do an online study course.

Her partner looks after the family financially (and is highly unlikely to be poncing off the state). OP looks after the home and children.

That is the agreement they both made. If OP wanted the security of marriage she should have told him before having children with him. She is his children's mother, not an employee, so she doesn't need to be "reimbursed" for looking after her own family, nor does he need to provide her with a pension or annual leave FFS.

As long as he is supporting his family financially (and nothing she has said suggests he isn't) he is doing what is expected of him.

She is obviously finding being a SAHM harder work than she expected, but she would find it a lot harder with someone who didn't have a pot to piss in, or as a single parent.

Neither of them is taking anything from the other that wasn't agreed in advance.

How? At the moment she has no money and no assets?

I said all along, he should want to parent. But the household chores should fall on her. The stress of doing your job, and having the financial burden of supporting your family by yourself is HARD!!

What are you on about?

I don't know anyone who had a baby and became a SAHM who agreed in advance that they were going to do absolutely everything around the house and with the children. Of course they generally take on most of it, but there is no agreement that the mother does absolutely everything while the man just brings in the wage.

What YOU may expect of this random man who you don't know is very different than what the woman in the relationship with this man may expect.

Nope he does not get to sit there doing nothing at the weekends either while she does everything. Relationships like that do not work long term and the split is completely unfair.

And he doesn't parent either, yet you're still insisting she should do everything, a minute ago you said he shouldn't do anything on days he works but when i say he doesn't do anything on weekends you gloss over it also to just insist she has to do everything.

I see no matter what you intend to stay toxic to this random woman on the internet who you don't know.

Are you claiming child bemefit in your name ?

Because this psys your National Insurance contributions when you are not working.
This goes towards your state pension & other benefits.

Please check

@MagicMorning942 Is she entitled to CB with such a huge household income?

Yes. It is work. But she is providing that labour for free. He is not providing her with anything financially. She is a slave. That’s exactly what she is. If they were married so everything was theirs, then that’s different. The security comes from the knowledge that you are financially secure despite sacrificing your career to raise the children and support the main earner. In this case he hadn’t put her name in the deeds, he doesn’t govern her access to finances and he doesn’t give her any money. If they separate, he has furthered his career, at least in part, thanks to her taking care of THEIR kids and looking after the house keeping etc. She would have absolutely nothing. So she’s trapped. That’s slavery isn’t it?

Check here

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Why don't you get married before having kids and starting a family?

He is paying his bills. If she suddenly vanished in a puff of smoke, he’d still have to pay those bills. If you think the odd pair of jeans and a bit of pasta is a fair exchange for everything he gets in return then I can’t engage with you anymore. It’s pointless.

As far as her getting a job, I repeat my post of 16:38; Have you found a solution for her? So she’s got two under fives, outdated qualifications she describes as like reading a foreign language and no access to any cash. Nurseries and child minders only accept payment in advance, 30 free hours won’t cover her needs and any job she’d be able to find will only pay her a month in arrears. Partner refuses to do any parenting at all, let alone when he’s got to work, so no chance of her doing nights somewhere to get herself started. What’s the answer?

Suhgest keep an eye on this

https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

NO ONE knows anyone on this site!!! We only get on side of a story. At the weekend he should want to parent. He obviously doesn’t so the OP is going to leave him I presume. I do think the OP was being very unreasonable wanting him to do what is “essentially” part of her job as a SAHP (housework etc.)