How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Yes he is financially abusing her, and no it isn’t ridiculous.

He is using her full time labour for free. He has himself a slave. At no extra cost to himself.

Is that a free course? Because she’s already said that she wouldn’t be able to squirrel any money away.

OK - I am going to say it. Why did you allow this to happen? I know you are planning to leave but what is your plan?

You can't argue it both ways. If you're saying parenting and housework is a 'job' then you also have accept that she is getting paid. She doesn't earn a penny in the classic sense so her partner pays for the roof over her head, the food she eats, the clothes she wears etc. That is her 'salary'. If she's stupid enough to not have thought about pensions time off etc, more fool her. She's got a degree so certainly has the intelligence to be able to work out that she had backed herself into a corner entirely through her own fault.

And shes using him to pay her bills and feed herself. No?

Be realistic. You are thinking of leaving because your partner is not helping but you will then definitely be on your own doing everything with two little ones and you won't have anyone to pay the bills! Ask him if he would pay for a cleaner or a babysitter once a week and see how it goes.

Ahh yeah of course, I was assuming the second was under 3 without knowing, but you're right and that would be great as all the focus could be on training.
Also, please approach any education providers and ask what learner support funding/charitable funding is available. Explain your situation. There are sometimes pots of money for students in hardship that aren't advertised (normally because it's small amounts available).

Also, the guy earns 14K a month. He could pay a housekeeper and nanny to do her "work" easy. The reverse is not true. Thats where the power imbalance lies.

If the DP earns over the limit

She can still claim the child benefit National Insurance contrubutions, but not claim the money.

Please investigate this

And I think you are being extremely unreasonable in trying to make a young woman feel like she has nothing to complain about and she's in the wrong.

Yes she wants to leave, she's on here trying to work out how to make a plan, but for some reason you have been absolutely fixated on trying to make her feel like she's in the wrong here and should never have expected that a man might pull his weight

It's even worse considering the OP was so young when they got together, and he's 19 years older.
A young woman is in a tough situation and wants to make a plan to get out because she feels she deserves better, fair play to her, and you want to grind her down.

You live in a fantasy world. I bet you don't know any women who have married older men so that they don't have to work.

That’s a bit harsh BUT you seem to have made some very poor decisions and are now wringing your hands and wondering what to do. I am afraid you are going to have to make some better decisions to enable you to move on and get yourself out of this awful mess.

Check here

Your DP may need to fill out a tax form (unsure, check)

www.gov.uk/child-benefit

I know one! Younger pretty women marrying older rich men are as old as the hills. You can almost always swap looks for money.

This isn’t helpful, so I apologise for that, but this is why I would never ever recommend anybody becoming a SAHP if they don’t have a safety net.

If you have a degree in pharmacy, but don’t feel like you can reintegrate into the profession, could you perhaps dip your toe into a different pharmacy role? Technician training, counter assistant or dispensing assistant? That’d be a great way to earn your own money and build a savings fund (enough for a deposit on a rental property etc). It also helps you get your foot back in the door, and boost your confidence into progressing (or not, if you don’t want to!).

Blimey what a depressing existence. So you don't have access to money at all?

Any adult under state pension age, who is NOT working can pay up to a maximum of £2880 into a SIPP per year.
The Government adds free money on top, so that the total becomes £3600 per year.

Your DP should do this for you if you are not working.

The only downside is that you will not be able to access the money until you are 57 under current rules.

Threads like this make me realise why the birth rate is dropping around the world. All these posters (probably men) who think women should be slaves around the house because they have had a baby and that the poor menz should not have to lift a finger because they have a job.

Legally all you would be entitled to is a child maintenance based on his earning until the kids are 18
It's likely you'll have yo go back to work or else to support yourself as well.
i think it try and stick it out until you've sorted your qualification out enough

He has said he won't pay for it. So what exaxtly is going to work going to acheive?

Want some cash

Ironing
Pet sitting
Pet walking or visits
Gardening
Open simple a bank account in your name.
Some banks are offering money to "switch bank accounts"
Look on money saving expert website for more info

Rubbish.

She was 21, no experience of any full time job, saw an older man with a house and thought yippee!!! (if I get pregnant I get to live in a house, bills paid... Unlike 100% of my friends who are renting rooms or living with parents, have no chance of a 'home' in their 20s and are constantly worried about money...

Him being 40 with money and a house was a big pull for her. Let's not pretend otherwise!!!

He got youth, she got her life paid for.

Now they don't really like each other so she's looking for someone else to pay for her... Hello Council!!!! (benefits)

Why doesn't she just find another older, rich man with a house? Problem solved...

Women are letting this happen. There is no way I would ever have become a stay at home Mum. My DM refused to give up her job and although my DF didn’t like it he really didn’t have much choice. When they divorced she was SO glad she didn’t give up work.