How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Look it up.

Also if he paid for a daily cleaner, nanny, housekeeper, sent out his washing and ironing, a cook and a gardener, how much do think that would cost?

He is making use of the OPs labour without providing her with any financial security. She’s essentially a slave.

How do you know what OP has had time to do? And even if she has had time on a week day why should she do everything at the weekend too?

If he employed a nanny they wouldn't be doing all the housework.

He will pay himself maximum tax free amount so that if you do claim cms it will be around £100 per month. He’ll keep the rest in the business.

You are his slave. Sorry.

An element of laziness 😂😂

But yet you think that if a man has young kids and the mother stays at home that he should have to do absolutely zero housework whatsoever, because he's working, even though he'd be working anyway 😂

The OP chose this life!! She chose to date her partner and have children with him. She then chose to be a SAHP. Obviously this was what she wanted. She could have chosen a different path if she had been inclined.

Yes hopefully that won't get through

As often said on MN, it's no longer the 1950's.....

There's plenty of help...She leaves him, womans aid is her place to start.

Yes, he should have to do zero on the days he’s working full time (unless he wants to off course!!). Part of being a SAHP is doing the chores like washing, cooking, cleaning and shopping. What is so wrong with that?

A live in employee would get a salary too plus weekends off and annual lesve. Just providing food and shelter to someone works all hours of the day and probably some of the night would be considered slavery.

I assume from this that you have always escaped face-to-face childcare yourself?

It's always so obvious (although no doubt the poster will claim otherwise) 😂

Rubbish and a grave insult to those who still to this day being held as slaves.
She can walk out whenever she wants.
There's even a welfare state to assist her if she does.

She's not happy as it's dawning on her that she's backed herself into a corner.
Her trying to convincing herself she is this man's slave would be laughed out of court.

She has to accept that she is a grown woman, nobody's victim and leave if she's that unhappy.

I do when she has less rights than a lodger, no access to cash, no days off, no sick days and no pension, in return for a 24 hour nursemaid to two under fives, chief cook, housemaid and bottle washer, as well as fulfilling the role of partner.

And he isn’t paying her bills. If she has no access to cash I think it’s pretty clear that she isn’t taking herself off for spa days or shopping trips in Selfridges. He’s paying his bills and enough for her so that she continues to run his home and raise his children.

And she's refusing to work and make a financial contribution to her own and her children's upkeep. So yes, it does work both ways. They are both using each other.

He’s not withholding money from her as he has no legal obligation to give her anything. He’s a legally single adult and can spend his money he earns as he pleases. He is not required to house her, feed her, give her spending money.
I do think couples calling each other partner in cases like this lulls people into a false sense of security.

You are clearly bright. I think you should maintain the status quo and keep your head down at home. Don’t let on you are not happy.

Start a secret folder in your phone and password protect it. I don’t think this man has your best interests at heart and from now you have to look after yourself.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky and follow The Abby Eckle on SM. Start educating yourself about your position here. Research financial abuse. Research coercive control. See if it fits.

Look up pathways back into work - is there a way to do a top up and get back into pharmacy? If not how else can you use that learning? You have skills that are transferable. Research Assustant for example.

Go to Citizens advice and get some info on what you’d be entitled to. The fact that he is the children’s father is really his only responsibility to you (legally) I think, but they will have advice. Get benefits advice and housing advice. Also they will know of any grants or hardship funds to help with study.

It sounds like you have no access to money - how do you pay for your needs like clothes etc? How you pay for food? Try to start squirrelling cash away and hide it so you have some, then open your own bank account with it. If you get birthday money or Xmas money from relatives then save it. Sell stuff on vinted. Start secretly getting as much as you can saved.

Get as much information as you can about his business and assets etc. Bank accounts etc. get his NI number if you can - needed for a child maintenance claim.

When you have as much information as you can get, have a conversation with him. Let him know that you have realised that you are in a very vulnerable situation financially and that you either need him to fund childcare so that you can study/work, or start paying for your services. His response, if he loves you, will be to support you to feel more secure. If he won’t then that useful information for you.

If he won’t then you go on strike. Don’t leave the house unless you/the kids are unsafe. Anything you do outside of the same hours that he works should be paid for (or he needs to do half at those times). He is benefitting from your labour. Without you he’d have to clean, cook, etc for himself. If he won’t then go on strike - don’t wash his clothes, don’t cook for him. Just do what the kids need no more. Stop keeping the house to a high standard. Buy food that you and the kids like etc. With the time you save, study.

You might have to stay (if you are safe) until they are both in school.

For anyone who wants to dolly around using a man's money and making fuck all contribution to society. Where's the self respect?

All that work that women in the past have put into equality and we still have women throwing it back in their face by sponging off a man to fund their high-end gym subscription and general dollying around lifestyle.

What are you talking about?! RTFT. She says in her first post Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare She’s not refusing to work, she’s asking for ideas to help her get back into work while caring for two under five’s every minute of every day.

I disagree. Lots of young women actively pursue older successful men because they simply don’t want to work. They want the big house and car and to stay at home with their children lunching with friends etc . Then reality hits when it’s not as rosy as they first envisioned. I don’t think he’s abusive but he’s been very financially savvy. It really makes sense for a woman to get the ring on her finger before having children to avoid this situations.

Op needs to find work and move in with relatives if she wants to leave him. He can support his children if she cannot. UC shouldn’t be there for someone who has literally never had a job in her life!

She is working several unpaid jobs;

• laundry processing
• house keeper
• full time child care provision
• cleaner
• cook
• probably gardener too.

He had two children to take care of. He lives in a house that needs taking care of. He needs use of hygienic surroundings. He needs clothes to wear for work. He needs to eat and drink. He needs to sleep in an hygienic bed. ALL of that he outsources to his partner yet provides her with nothing other than board and lodgings. It’s slavery.

@Optionsneeded wowzers! that’s a huge salary! Can I ask what field? (Asking for my sons career options 😂 🙈)

Is she paying council tax, water, insurance, mortgage, electric, phone, food, clothes? No. He is literally paying every single bill.

As for her rights, she can get a job, she can leave him, she can do whatever she wants. He's paying her to be a wife, housekeeper and mother. If she doesn't want that job, the choice is hers to do something about it.

I do think couples calling each other partner in cases like this lulls people into a false sense of security.

I also agree with this, it's not and shouldn't be frowned upon to be unmarried parents, but the notion that common law wife is real is such a false belief.

Woman want equality, unfortunately men can't have babies, so it's down to them and by having them out of wedlock means that the father is only responsible for the DC not the mother.

Maybe this is something that should be taught in secondary school then women wouldn't be so blind to it.

That is misogyny and patriarchy at its best.

She IS working. Her labour is just invisible and unpaid. But she works hard.

Without people doing these roles - cleaning, cooking, house keeping, child care, etc so much else would fail.

It sounds to me like you’re being at minimum, financially abused. You can leave, it’ll be hard, but totally worth your freedom. Please seek help and advice from women’s aid or a DA charity local to you