How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

How do so many bright and intelligent women go to university but never seem to have a clue about real life such as having kids , getting married, divorce, mortgages

You could have a housekeeper and a nanny on what he brings home.

I'm not even answering your very disingenuous question.

It's 2026.

@Vanillaicelatte Perhaps they like the idea of never having to work?

If you scroll up to the OP’s very first post, you’ll see at the bottom of it that she says I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps. She’s already worked out for herself that she needs to get self reliant. She’s looking for advice on how to do that, not confirmation of what her problem is.

There's nothing to stop her seeking work herself....bar herself Have you found a solution for her? So she’s got two under fives, outdated qualifications she describes as like reading a foreign language and no access to any cash. Nurseries and child minders only accept payment in advance, 30 free hours won’t cover her needs and any job she’d be able to find will only pay her a month in arrears. Partner refuses to do any parenting at all, let alone when he’s got to work, so no chance of her doing nights somewhere to get herself started. What’s the answer?

It's 2026....yes, quite....

She's trapped, herself.

There is nothing stopping her leaving. Nothing. If she does, she goes on benefits or gets a job.

That's it. Hopefully he will pay CM.

To outsiders her life may seem envious for now, though I concede it won't be if they split up.
I admit this will be a wake up call for her but she put herself in this situation.

Best for her to go now while she's still young if she's that unhappy.

Nevertheless if anyone is to blame here, it's her.

If he won’t help with the housework , child care , gardening and if you are happy apart from that I would employ a cleaner, child care help and gardener and the bills can be sent to him. He is on a decent enough wage to cover that.
I don’t think there is any thing wrong with being a stay at home mum and doing most of the housework if you can cope and don’t mind it but unfair if he doesn’t help in anyway? What about cooking for you at the weekend ?
Ok to split up but you would still be doing everything on your own when you have the children so not sure that is the answer unless your marriage is over anyway.

Yeah did you miss the second part of my post where I said she was stupid to allow herself to get into that situation? Doesn’t mean he’s not financially abusing her though.

Superficially it looks like op has it all. But the powerless situation she’s in without the benefit of marriage makes her vulnerable. With his own business it’s very likely her partner will hide his income and assets to minimise support.
I’d look at getting back to training / upskilling - a pharmacy qualification can surely be used ?

Really?

I wonder if she leaves and he feels sad, angry or disappointed will he have brought it on himself through his actions, or will that be her fault too?

Sorry to be blunt but for anyone reading this who is considering having kids annd staying at home whilst not married - this is what you are risking. If you aren’t married or in a civil partnership, you really cannot be a SAHP without a solid financial agreement. By that I mean essentially your partner ‘paying’ you so that you can accumulate your own savings.
Otherwise you are completely stuck.

The issue here is that the OP's partner refuses to pay for childcare...how is the OP supposed to work/retrain if she doesn't have access to money to pay for childcare? The OP doesn't have access to money. She can't pay for a solicitor. She can't pay for childcare. If there's no childcare, she can't work to earn money for herself, to pay for anything!

Her partner deliberately holds the purse strings. It means she has to ask for money. If her partner feels the reason is justified, he'll hand money over, if he doesn't, then her request will be refused.

He's controlling, which is abusive. Sadly, the OP has got herself involved with a much older man, who has manipulated and groomed her. He deliberately picked a much younger woman, because she would have been easier to manipulate, and therefore control.

I doubt very much the OP's partner will marry her. He's not stupid, he won't want to make his finances/assets vulnerable. As it stands the OP has no assets/money of her own, and that's exactly what he wants, because it makes her dependant on him and trapped.

You would only been entitled to child maintenance from your partner. So, you'd have no choice but to claim UC. You would be entitled to 15 hours per week free childcare once your youngest reached 3. You could then work part-time. Your partner couldn't use the children as an excuse. However, it's likely he'd find another reason why you can't work.

If he is withholding money from you @Optionsneeded it is financial abuse.
Can you contact women’s aid? You need to find out what you’d be entitled to benefits wise if you could leave. Xo

He's paying for everything and he's financially abusing her?
That's just ridiculous. Sorry it just is.

It's not like she's working all the hours going and being forced to hand over her money to him.
Now THAT would be financial abuse.

💯 - I’ve read about so many similar situations on here that I’ve drummed it into my daughters not to have children unless they’re married and not give up work unless equal finances are agreed, pension contributions made etc.

I think the middle aged man who took advantage of a 20/21 year old's inexperience is the one to blame. She wouldn't be trapped if he ever lifted a finger at home so that she can get on with her career. He also should have encouraged her to finish training as a pharmacist.

Can she spend money on whatever she likes? Is he “allowing” her to work and earn her own money? No. That’s financial abuse.

It’s12.5% but he sounds like the type that would say 50/50 childcare so he doesn’t have to pay you, then he’ll pay for childcare or get his mum to do it. So don’t bank on him paying child support. Sadly, because you are not married I fear you are in a very difficult situation. In your shoes I’d get some legal advice ASAP. You can get free half hour calls with lots of firms. CAB also has legal advice available and will be able to advise on benefits. Good luck.

Even if you do marry it's not that much protection to be honest. Things may be split 50/50 at the time of separation but if the woman hasn't had much of a career due to she will probably be in a much lower income after divorce.

Again, you are completely missing the point.

Yes, I’m sure her partner does work very hard at his job. But he finishes at whatever time he finishes and then his evenings and weekends are completely free. Whereas she does 100% of the parenting from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep. She’s cooking and cleaning and tidying seven days a week. And she gets precisely nothing in return for that.

Surely when your eldest is 3 you’ll be entitled to the 30 free hours (or about 22 hours per week if all year) I would stay until then and then look to get a job, try and get a term time only (look for roles at your local council, they often have term time only roles, obviously look also on all your local schools websites)

How do you live atm? I mean, how do you manage to buy clothes and toiletries for yourself? Could you start squirrelling some of that money away?

If you want to leave right now, you’ll need to contact women’s aid as it sounds like he could be financially abusive. Also, register for housing with your local council/ housing association.

Do you have family that you could go and stay with, as technically then if they said they couldn’t house you and the children, you’d be ‘homeless’ and would get housed quicker with the council. You’d get benefits and would survive!

You DO have options, it’s which ones you want to take

Sounds very abusive and controlling.

You need to see a solicitor ASAP and get some legal advice. Then decide what to do from there.

And? Are you saying the OP’s partner should come home from work, and from the moment he walks through the door, start cooking, or cleaning or tidying up etc. The OP has plenty of time to do all these chores throughout the day. It’s NOT hard!!!! I think there’s an element of laziness. Perhaps too much time on the internet!!!

You call having a (probably very naice) roof over your head and all your bills paid NOTHING???!