How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Personally I dont think this is grounds for breaking up thd family and dramatically upsetting the kids lives.
Sounds like you want him to do his job and half of yours.
You realise if uou leave you would have to do all you do now plus work (unless you think the taxpayer should subsidise you)

It could be argued she's using him as a workhorse to pay the bills.

Only by misogynists and people being completely disingenuous.

I don’t have sny problem with it. Why didn’t he gestate and bear his own children instead of asking her to do it?

I’m not. Being a SAHP does include doing some work besides parenting like housework, cooking and shopping while the other person is working full time to financially support you all.

Unfortunately you are buggered as he owne his own complany so you the CSA cant take money off him,you just need to leave and get housed by the council, i doubt he will pay any money but you do need a job i dont know if universal credit pay for childcare fees anymore...or wait until both children are in school

I’m glad you re worded that after your first reply was deleted.

She says she had her first child right after finishing university. She never even had a full time job. Three years earlier, she was a teenager. If you believe that she was a fully formed adult and impervious to a power imbalance at such a young age then I don’t know what else to say to you.

‘Some’ being the operative word.

Why is it not sinking in for you that she’s doing everything? From morning to night, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

Do you always run around reporting people who disagree with you? Because all I said was that you were making it sound like she'd been married off underage. Which you still are.
You know most university educated women dont do this right? And you know most women end up having at least one relationship with a man older than them? And it doesnt mean most women say to themselves: "oh, thats quite good really isnt it, i just dont have tp work, someone else can do that for me".

I think what youre not getting here is that she never had to do that. She could have said to herself: "hmmm, I did a pharmacy degree. I think I'll use that and get a job".

Think about training to become a science teacher. Using a training scheme like Teach First you could be paid to train, you get student discount on council tax etc. and the starting salary is good.

Take as old as time on mumsnet.

Woman has kids with a man who she’s not married to, lives in a house she has no legal rights to and gives up work to look after his children and run his house for him. Only to eventually realise she’s trapped.

Having kids and giving up work without a marriage certificate or any rights was very foolish. Yes he’s in the wrong to not help out and to have a financial hold over you but you’ve given him all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities or consequences.

Only thing you can do is stay together for a few years, get proof of his income for CMS, try to get him to marry you and start working/retraining until you’re in a better position to leave.

This. If OP wants to leave, and isn’t working, it’s onto UC and child maintenance.

Then by reading these replies you'd hope that as the OP is still young enough she'll start at looking to get herself a bit more self sufficient and being less reliant on her DP so she won't end up in a bedsit in her 50's.

There's nothing to stop her seeking work herself....bar herself.

Fuck, OP. How on earth did you get here?

You’ll be entitled to child maintenance but nothing else as you are unmarried. Child maintenance would be substantial with those earnings, but if he has a ltd company it’s much easier for him to hide money to reduce that.

You need to make plans to support yourself and the kids alone. He’s going to make this incredibly difficult.

How on earth is this relevant or helpful to the OP? @6ate9

OP, start looking into doing your pre-reg. If you really don't want to do that, contact your uni careers service. Basically, start making moves to start a career. The sooner the better.

Yes some, not all.

Being the breadwinner of a young family does not mean you have a live in slave and you never have to lift a finger at home again.

But luckily most people in this day and age understand this, but unfortunately the minority who have a very toxic attitude to this seem to hang out on MN.

She’s already said he won’t pay towards a nursery, life with a controlling man isn’t as easy, he knows what he’s doing.

Not for her the juggling of kids and work

Not for her access to money. Not for her evenings and weekends off. Not for her secure housing that she can’t be turfed out of at 3am should he decide to evict her. Not for her a pension, not even a state one.

Malvados, I regularly disagree with your point of view on here, but before this I’d say that your opinion was generally well reasoned, even if it was wrong. But for you to say that the OP is in an enviable position is just beyond the pale.

It could massively change her position, length of marriage includes cohabiting beforehand and she’d probably have a claim on the property.

You’re making out she is “on the go” from dawn to dusk without a break. She can CHOOSE how busy each day is. Being a SAHM nowadays is not an incredibly arduous job. Yes, it’s stressful and exhausting at times, BUT so is working full time!!!!

I'm sorry but in many people's eyes the OP has a wonderful life.
No stress of work. No boss.
Unless they live in a palace the housework should only take an hour or two a day. Maximum.
She is able-bodied and young so no issues preventing her doing them.
Rest of time with her children.
Dream life.

She's not struggling as a single mum working AND raising children.

I'm sorry to say but this post makes us women look like brainless idiots.

She's not being abused. At all.
It's f*ing insulting to those women who are being literally held as slaves.

If she doesn't like it she can leave.

I am a SAHM. I do not expect my husband to work and do house stuff. Besides, if he earns that much it would be more economical for him to continue working and then pay for you to have help.
To be honest it sounds like you might have fallen out of love with him.
But regardless, ask him to pay for a mother's helper. Someone to do kid stuff, cooking, cleaning etc.

It’s relevant because the OP was complaining she “had to do it all.” I was pointing out that it’s a LOT easier nowadays.

Have you not heard of financial abuse?

He’s got her trapped. (I will say she should never have allowed herself to get into this situation and was stupid to not insist on equal access to finances if they agreed that she’d not work to look after their children, but it’s still financial abuse).

How is the OP “living as a slave?” She is a SAHP looking after children she obviously wanted, and doing the “daily tasks” for her family.