How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

He does that during his working day, which he finishes and then comes home to relax. He’ll have a pension. He has valuable assets. He can take a sick day if he needs to. He can take annual leave if he wants to. His time is completely his own. His money is his own. He controls the bills. He controls the money for the shopping. He has a younger woman to have sex with and to raise his children for him. He comes home to a clean and tidy house. She does everything but wipe his arse for him.

She works from the minute she wakes up, to the minute she goes to bed, and as she has two under five, I’m guessing there’s the odd occasion where she’s up in the night with them too. That’s seven days a week, 365 days a year. She has no pension. No contributions to her NI. She has no access to money to spend on whatever she wants. No sick days. No annual leave. No weekends. She has less rights than a lodger. He could throw her out at 3am and there’d be nothing she could do.

He’s not asking her to do her share, which would be entirely reasonable. He’s organised it so she’s in indentured servitude. And once the children no longer need caring for, and if he decides to trade her in for a younger model, she’ll be unemployable, homeless and won’t even qualify for a state pension.

Do you think that’s fair? Do you think each of them is contributing equally to the relationship?

I don't think they did. Children mostly played out in the streets from the age of about 4 in the 70s and earlier. Parents dud no where near as much childcare as today

Life isn’t fair - what’s really concerning about all this is that OP has willingly put herself in this precarious position. Partner could make her life really, really unfair very easily.
She needs to rectify this in whatever way she can - fast!

“WiltedLettuce · Today 13:40
OP, I'm surprised more posters don't understand this point.
^You are being financially abused by your much older partner. This website might help explain it: https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/^
Essentially, he is sabotaging your income and access to money by refusing to do his share of childcare or pay for childcare while you work/retrain. This can be considered a form of coercive and controlling behaviour.
In your situation, I'd seek advice before deciding on what steps you want to take. It's not necessarily the case that you would be entitled to nothing but CM - sch1 of the Children Act 1989 allows claims to be made against a high-earning parent, even when the parents are unmarried.”

This with bells on. @Optionsneeded - I think you have been groomed and abused; treated like a brood mare. He’s given you no security (no marriage; house solely in his name; no access to money) so he doesn’t see you as a team and you are extremely vulnerable.

Where were your parents when this guy was grooming you and stealing your youth by catapulting you into motherhood when you were on the cusp of your career?

It’s a mistake to refer to him “helping”. When he’s at home, it’s his job as much as yours to parent your shared children. These posters who seem to think that bringing money into the home absolves a parent of all other parenting obligations could not be more wrong. Proper working parents (male and female) parent when they get home and have always done. Being an SAHM is your day job. My mum was an SAHM when my sister and i were very young; when dad got home in the evening, he would play with us, bathe us, help put us to bed.

Women’s Aid has loads of information on how to leave an abusive relationship. https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Being a qualified pharmacist should definitely help you get a job, even if it’s not as a pharmacist!

Pointing out the unfairness and vulnerability of OPs position.

Her DP is a high earner. He will live a comfortable life whatever happens. OP doesn’t want to work at the moment but also doesn’t want to do 100% childcare.

Hard to square that conundrum whether she leaves or whether she stays which is up to OP.

Benefits are meant to be a hand up not a hammock or hand out and sorry but it does grate that the general tax payer will (and not OPs fault) have to potentially pay to support another high earner’s offspring whilst he pays only CMS… especially as issue seems to be he’s not stepping up as a partner or father.

Only one that ‘wins’ be DP in time and £ resource. Not fair on OP or DC either. Appreciate those are the rules but do think unmarried if they have children should have more rights/security.

Plus when she works, OP still be lions share carer and own breadwinner.

I’d agree that life isn’t fair, but this isn’t something that has just happened. A young woman just out of her teens, with no life experience, has entered into a relationship with a middle aged man with his own home and business. There’s a huge power imbalance here and while he didn’t force her into it at gunpoint, I’d say her age and inexperience has contributed greatly to the situation she’s now in.

Nobody forced that horrible life youre describing on her.

The other option was to work for her living

What did you think your job as a SAHM would be? What is your part of the bargain? He brings the bacon home, you run the household. Were you surprised? I often read about single mothers on here, living hand to mouth, their errant partners not paying maintenance and these women work at well. Some of them work full-time and bring up children on their own, and no domestic staff to take the bins out or will the dishwasher.

But you can always ask him to be a SAHP, and look after the house and the children and go out and earn - this is totally fair and your call.

That’s completely subjective, nothing would have made me more miserable than being a SAHM.

Do you have children? A daughter? Can you imagine in a few years, when your daughter is just out of her teens, someone almost twice her age comes along and sweeps her off her feet and she’s very quickly pregnant.

Would you be perfectly happy with the older man, believing that he was in no way responsible for the situation that your DD found herself in? Or would you be really angry with him because he’s older, experienced and doing everything from a position of power while your DD is being convinced that being a sahm is best for everyone?

@Optionsneeded are there cultural issues involved? Was this an arranged marriage?

@Optionsneeded - ignore these posters who seem to think earning the money means a person can opt out of all parenting. They are completely wrong. You being an SAHM saves on child care costs. Being an SAHM is your day job (and likely overnight job). When he is home (evenings/weekends), he should also parent. That is what decent working parents do.

“My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.”

I assume you have been together at least five years, and I expect it was always like this. If you want things to change, you will have to use your words - your DP isn’t magically going to wake up one morning and decide to clean the bathroom or empty the dishwasher! Some marriages work very well with the woman in charge of the home and DC, and the man earning the money to support everybody, but clearly in your case, you’re not happy. What do you want, OP? Do you want to get a job and be independent, or do you want to stay and for him to play more of a part round the house and with the DC? You seem to be in a fairly precarious position financially if you do decide to leave. You will have to think long and hard about what you want for yourself and your DC, and what it is reasonable to expect from your DP. I wouldn’t mind betting that he has no idea you feel so angry with him that you are in the point of leaving. You need to talk, and also to think about what you want your future to look like.

I would NEVER choose to be a SAHP either. I’ve always wanted financial independence. But the OP chose to be one.

I know Op is talking about leaving him but if he dies in a car crash tonight or has a heart attack do you know what provision is in place.
He may have left house to a sibling and he’s not updated will. Not nominated Op as recipient of his pension etc. No will the children will inherit.
Op could potentially not have access to bank accounts to buy the children food if he dies.

@Glowglowdancer Are you jealous? Do you see your life as more difficult than OPs so you need to be a dick about it? Otherwise what’s with the complete lack of empathy for someone who is trapped in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in a doesn’t have a penny to her name to leave?

I would be disappointed in her because I wouldn't see her has "just out of her teens", I'd see her as a 22 year old woman who had received a university education and yet still opted to hand her life over to a man

Doesn't mean she agreed to do every single little bit of housework or childcare so stop trying to force your beliefs on her.

This is just silly.
She was an adult who chose to get pregnant by him twice.
It could be argued she's using him as a workhorse to pay the bills.

Let's face it, she is in a really enviable position here.
Not for her the juggling of kids and work
She wants to leave it, then the downside is her life will be more difficult. That's life.

There is already provision for children where they can stay with main carer in the family home if unmarried.

No need to change the law just because some people have children outside of marriage and don't think it through.
This is not an insult to the cohabiting couples who keep everything in joint names. These people are being sensible.

I has this set up and did find it very easy to get all chores done during the week so weekends were for fun stuff. However I expected my DH to do around 50% of parenting (which he more than gladly did) during the weekend and tidy up after himself as in not leave wet towels laying around etc.
SAHP doesn’t mean slave.

MN is absolutely toxic for this.
Decent men do some of the housework and parenting of their own children, simple as that.

Apologies I haven’t read the full thread. If your degree was in pharmacy what about starting as a pharmacy tech in the NHS? They may support you back into working as a pharmacist. Where in the UK are you?

Enviable position, are you joking? The OP doesn’t have any assets, a pension, her own money, a career, he could turf her out at any time and she’d have nothing. I’ve known this to happen to women in their 50’s who end up struggling to rent a bedsit.