How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Him being a useless husband is shitty.

Whatever else he might be, he's hardly "useless" if he's bringing £14,000 into the household every month.

"Useless" would be failing to earn a penny to support his family while poncing off the state. OP would definitely have something to complain about then.

Out of curiosity, how long had you known each other before you started birthing for him?

If you had DC1 at 21, you just have got pregnant at close on 20 so either:
it was an unexpected child conceived early in your relationship, that you then kept (and I'd be curious how that discussion went)

Or:
It was planned and you'd been serious as a couple for some years.

Is there any kind of religious aspect to your arrangement? Or cultural? Whereby age gap relationships are common?

You are so vulnerable and don't really have a lot of options here unless you can stay with family? If not, now your DC are getting a little older they could go into afterschool club/nursery and you can pick up your studies again so you can look to get a job in the future.

DP is not going to like it, but I think you should be firm and say that is what you are going to do. It is not unreasonable. Then look to getting a job and getting yourself some financial independence.

Yes the taxpayer. How can you imply that a woman should stay in a relationship which sounds absolutely miserable and potentially abusive because she will have to claim benefits while she gets herself sorted: that’s exactly what they’re there for.

I'd suggest trying to look at his bank statements and any financial stuff , take pictures or print off . He will probably try to hide money when you apply for maintenance and give you as little as he can get away with . If he's a high earner you should be able to get a decent amount. I speak from experience ! You will manage on your own but will need a job and to arrange childcare so start making plans .

Really sorry to hear this OP, I’m SAHP to a toddler and a baby and while I can do some of the housework around them there’s no way I could do absolutely everything without my husband pitching in a bit. Everyone needs a break sometimes and it’s not surprising you’re finding it tough when the person who’s supposed to care the most about you won’t do anything to help you.

You said you’re in the UK, if you’re in England you should be able to get the universal fifteen hours term time only childcare from the term after your younger child turns three. If that’s not too far off it might be a useful first step to give you some time to have a break and think about what to do next. Do you have any family or friends nearby who might be able to help you? Do you have any access to family money? How do you get nappies, groceries etc? Do you go out to playgroups, toddler classes or similar? Will the oldest be going to school full-time in September? Do you socialise with the wives/ partners of DP’s friends? You don’t need to answer the questions I was just trying to think if there was anything else we could suggest to help

How utterly ridiculous. If you costed OPs work it would hugely dwarf the economic cost of food, sundries and half rent she receives...and that would be for 8 not 24 hours shifts without leave.

Amazed that this complete rubbish is still pedalled out. OP is hugely providing for her DP. Fact

My guess would be there’s no way he’ll marry Op even if she wanted to. Why would he. All assets are his. She’s been happy to live with him and have children without marriage. There’s no stigma on children of unmarried couples now so no societal pressure on him to marry.
She’s made the mistake of thinking having children makes him legally obligated to support her. He needs to support his children but not her. She’s an adult and expected to support herself.
On marriage v cohabitation threads on mumsnet some posters insist no women are this naive but time and time again posters pop up like this. Op isn’t alone.
If you have a teen daughter please speak to her to ensure she’s fully aware of legal
position and hasn’t been watching rubbish on tik tok etc - some girls think cohabitation gives rights because it happens in Australia etc.

We don't know whether he takes from the state ...we do know he takes enormously from OP and doesn't reimburse the cost of her labour (or presumably pay into a pension, savings, cover sick or annual leave and more)

So he works. Pays the bills. Provides a roof over your head, pays for the food as well. And then asks you to do your bit as well?

You’re comparing apples with oranges.

This. Stop having kids with men like this unless you’re ok to end up in this position

Read the original OP post 🤦‍♀️!!

Surely you can claim benefits ?

Sounds like a pretty abusive situation. If you don’t have access to money to even be able to squirrel some away.

you have never said if you have family you can stay with. You could tell him you’re leaving and ask that he give you some money to get yourself housed, and start claiming CMS. If he refuses, refuse to leave the house until you can start claiming benefits. If he physically kicks you out, declare yourself homeless and get temporarily housed. Life will be hard for a while but you will be free to start rebuilding your life

Is getting married an option to get more legal rights with a view to divorcing down the line? Sorry that is cynical but you have both really boxed you in.

Sorry love, you agreed to be a SAHM so can’t really go back on it now. I would have thought about it at the time before shacking up with someone nearly twice your age. All you can really do is get yourself down the council and hope they can get you into emergency accomodation and then you will have to go on Universal Credit. It’s going to be a bit of a step down from what you are used to but will be the only way to break free..

It is?

She has no ability to earn, no assets and 2 small children to think of.

Taking a few years to take stock, use the assets to make her life easier and retrain isn't embarrassing.

Her situation didnt arise unilaterally she made a series of not great decsions.

I have a 4 and 2 yr old... i wouldnt fancy dragging my kids to emergency accommodation/ one of those hostel type places... she isnt going to be handed a nice 3 bed council house.

He owns the business so chances are he'll draw it all as dividends and pay fuck all maintenance when push comes to shove.

I am probably in the minority, but I think it is ok if you are at home all day and don't work.

A lot of women work and still do all that especially if they are single parents.

Ignore the crap on here OP.

Decent men definitely do some housework etc along with some parenting and don't expect their partners to do ALL of it.

Don’t be daft! He was happy enough to look after himself at her expense for years. What’s good for the goose and all that.

Why can't she go back on it? He can pay for childcare etc so she can start a career. She has a useful degree.

I don’t, maybe Monday to Friday, but at the weekend it is perfectly fair that the household duties are shared.

This is my first thought too - he’s running his own business, how do we know his hours and how stressed he is?
Although I’m amazed people don’t marry as at least you’d be better off when splitting up - you’re obviously an intelligent woman, how come this hasn’t occurred to you??
Marry him if you can.
If you stay together make some decisions that make your life happier/better.

I think if she had the option to do those things she wouldn’t be looking to leave. She can’t even squirrel away a bit of money for a rainy day fund. She has no savings and no assets. My guess is that her basics are provided for but she’s unlikely to be able to start splashing the cash on a housekeeper as he will see it as her job