How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Yes, it's perfectly fair. If you want to be a SAHM, you look after the house and kids, that's your 'job'. Did you think you could dolly around at home whilst he works, funds your life and does* *the housework for you?

Go out and get a job. Don't ask him, tell him. Only you are in charge of whether you work or not. He clearly wanted a little wifey at home to cook, clean and bring up his kids. That makes him an outdated prick but you took the decision to go along with that. You now need to reverse that. You're a grown up, its not for him to sort, its for you.

Sigh…

I highly doubt he will marry OP as it would mean losing some of "his" money.

Urgh. How embarrassing.

Exactly

Plus she'd have to stick around in the marriage for a fair few years to be looking at getting 'half' of everything.

If he has his own company, you might struggle to see the kids get their fair share of maintenance. Often business owners will arrange to pay themselves a small salary and extract money in other ways. There are ways to remedy this with CMS but it can be slow and painful. Gather as much info as you can.

I still stand by what I say. Being a SAHP is A LOT easier than working full time, and it’s A LOT easier than in the past. The difference is mothers (as it mainly was then) just GOT ON WITH IT!!! No social media!!!!

Only 21? So old enough to legally get married, have kids, vote, get a job etc etc. She's a fully grown adult!

I don't agree with you. Why should a woman be forced to marry to obtain her fair share of a couple's assets?

Eh? A suggestion is not the same as a fetishisation. Why do so many people escalate language?

Maybe for you.

So would it be the end of the world if you did it again? You are young OP. I know people who retrained to be Drs / Accountants in their late 20s through mid 30s.
One of the men on an old firm’s graduate scheme was 42! You need to get access to your finances and if you cannot, you need to accept you will be poor for a while you get yourself set up as a single mother.

@Optionsneeded there's clearly a back story when a uni student has a child at 21 with a 40 year old man. You were not mature and he was.
Bottom line - you've made poor choices at a time when there is still a lot of growing up to do. Your DP sees his job as providing (presumably well) and yours to look after the children and home. At any point you could have opted for work and childcare in which case it would be fair to expect more help from your DP.
If this doesn't suit you now, why don't you find yourself a part time job, use childcare and save enough to move out?
Don't bank on shedloads of child maintenance, I'd bet that his salary according to HMRC is very modest. You are unlikely to be comfortable financially for years until you can re-establish a profession and work full time. And of course you will still be doing most/all of the childcare and all the domestic stuff. Just not for DP.

@Imdunfer whu is it fair that a man ( or high earner) loses their assets to a scrounger who hasn’t contributed to any of it? All
this op must marry so she can get half / she’s done nothing go assist in its creation!

It’s really not fair that he opt out of family life simply for having a job. It’s also not fair that she does weekends while he had them off.

I am constantly amazed at just how low some women’s standards are.

There is no fair share. They’re his.

I don’t see how it did. Having to do everything alone, being in a precarious financial position and having zero access to finances or support to enable myself to study or even have a break from childcare doesn’t sound like a sweet deal to me.

Posters are assuming that DP works 9-5

OP....As he runs his own business does he deligate or does he work all the hours God sends and even some he shouldn't.

She shouldn't be.

She should just think about the consequences of not doing so.

And of course make sure she's able to look after herself and her kids financially if she splits with the man.

Retrain as pharmacy technician? Just tell him you are putting both in nursery and apply for an accredited course.

Tell me chores need to be shared or he pays for a cleaner. If he refuses then stop doing his laundry and cooking. Just sort you and the kids.

If it is just about childcare and housework, then it'll be a lot easier once they both start school. If you have gone off him entirely then that is a different matter.

I'm not quite sure what you expected really. People who earn that much don't usually have much time or energy outside work which means their partner has to do more, but then they benefit from the money as well. Could you get a cleaner?

Don’t do it then. Plenty of us managed not to, to get jobs for ourselves then have kids when we were able to contribute.

We can only take OP's posts at face value but OP's partner is twice her age and she was only 21 when she had a baby. The power imbalance was and still is very stark. Because she isn't married, she has no access to any of his income and he leaves all the childcare up to her. It's like something out of the 1950s.

OP has made some very unwise decisions that have left her very vulnerable but he sounds like an old-fashioned misogynist and a really crappy father.

I would imagine that he would become extremely vindictive if/when OP tries to leave him and would use his vast wealth to employ solicitors to make OP's life even more of a misery than it is now.

It's a perfect opportunity while the OP is still young to get back to work even if only weekends until she builds up confidence to find other employment.

Except a full time nanny, a housekeeper and an assistant to organise all appointments will cost him considerably more than OP is. So I disagree her role is not pivotal.