AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Agreed. The idea that the only possible explanation for whatever issue there is in your relationship is that the man must be cheating. It’s an avoidance mechanism for all the women to avoid having to do some introspection and perhaps accept they have some part to play in the issues. Relationships take two people yet the MN default position is now it’s all down to the man. Most people with rational objective opinions have given up commenting on relationships threads now.

You don't have to.
Like you don't have to believe that 1 2 3 4 5 6 is as probable in the lottery as any other six numbers.
But there you are.

Over the course of a year, half of adult males will engage with sex workers.
Particularly if you include paying an OnlyFans account.

Your arithmetic breaks down there because it counts visits, not unique men.

Using your assumptions: 100,000 sex workers, 3 clients/day, 5 days/week, 52 weeks/year = gives 78 million client visits per year.

To infer that 20 million unique men can be ‘comfortably hit’, you must assume the average client visits only about 4 times per year.

Yet you also assume some clients come weekly, regulars come monthly, and most come monthly or every two months.
That means clients make 6–12+ visits per year, not just 4.

Regardless of any of that, the same research that finds the stats on cheating, finds that 11% of men say they have ever paid for sex, 3% within last 5yrs and 1% within last year. What’s more over 60% of those men say this was outside the UK.

Yes, these surveys often underestimate, but even so – that’s an implausible amount of underreporting.

Not this shite again. Does your circle generally sit about declaring its faith in the fidelity of your spouses or something? And you want to know if it’s ok to shout ‘Statistics say your faith is misplaced, Angela!’ periodically?

I agree @IceCream233

You only have to see the number of threads where a poster is asking should they tell the betrayed wife about the affair they know about and an overwhelming response of ‘no not your business to tell her’ blah blah blah to realise that many wives are oblivious and remain oblivious to their husbands actions.

I also find it so sad when posters laughingly point out that their husband is way too busy to cheat OR ‘he couldn’t manage it because I organise everything’… every betrayed wife thought that before they actually went and cheated.

I’ve learnt to trust myself, my judgement, my inner voice. I will never put a man on the ‘he won’t ever hurt me’ pedestal again.

Indeed

I think you are correct that nobody can 100% predict what someone might do. It’s impossible to predict the future based on someone else’s actions but I do think there are some men who 100% would not cheat.

Both me and my husband have jobs where we could easily have affairs/flings

Have we, no.

I was going to say this. I’ve done a lot of business travel in groups and a lot of the men cheat. Not a time consuming affair, but more one night things while away/out. And often it’s the men I would never expect.

I don’t think my partner would cheat, but I’d never say that with certainty, and things can always change.

I don’t agree that most men are like that at all. There’s a subset of jealous types of course, but for some it seems more a control mechanism than genuine belief that their partner is unfaithful.

It’s true. The study was conducted by OP at 620am this morning when she woke up bored and decided the stir the pot.

This is interesting, but I’d be interested to know if these men representative of the male population in general or are more likely to be a particular type because of the industry they work in. It does sound like an unusually high proportion actively looking to cheat, or willing to.

I don't include Onlyfans. We're talking about physical sexual activity with prostitutes. It's absolutely absurd to think that over half of all men in the UK are engaging in this. The logistics alone are mind-boggling.

Well a quick google shows the most cited reference is 20 percent of married men so a lot lower - American data though so may be cultural differences. Higher citations tend to be from surveys on dating websites etc so not surprising it’s higher! Maybe it’s higher when you include all relationships? But equally I’m surprised it is 20% - I don’t think 1 in 5 men I know would cheat but maybe I am naive! I definitely don’t think my DH would - I wouldn’t have married him if I thought he was that type of person. I’m aware I could be wrong…. But equally why would I spend years assuming something awful when I’ve no evidence to the contrary? I think if you’ve had a bad experience in a relationship it can be comforting to think all men are like that and similar groups tend to hang together - if your DH cheats, probably likely his group of friends are more likely to cheat also.

I genuinely don’t think my DH has cheated. I wouldn’t say that I know he never would, people change, circumstances change, we’re all human, but I frankly wouldn’t be with him now if I thought he had cheated. Being in a relationship means taking a leap of faith, there’s no point being in one if you don’t have trust.

You talk about ‘the statistics’ but you’ve made them up, you’ve decided you see 80-90% of posters saying this…but that’s not true is it? A) you’ve pulled it out of your arse B) it’s a self selecting audience.

It’s making me think of the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry David’s wife allows him to cheat for their ten year anniversary because she knows he won’t find anyone. He tries unsuccessfully with a couple of women so she’s right. I think it would be the same for my DH and many women’s to be frank, other women wouldn’t want them because they’re a pain in the arse.

To use your phrase, I'm surviving a 20+ years marriage OP.

I've no reason to suspect my husband of infidelity so its not something I think about. Could he have cheated at some point? Yes he could. He certainly has had the opportunity but I'm not going to waste my time thinking about something that might have happened or will maybe happen because what's the point.

He's generally a very good husband and father.

Conversely, he doesn't know if I've always been faithful or always will be.

I don’t agree with this at all. I don’t think there are any sex based differences as to whether you accept adultery could happen or not. This thread is focussed on thinking if cheating has already happened, not if it
could happen.

People can feel confident in believing their partner hasn’t cheated (surely most people otherwise why would you be in the relationship) while having a quiet acknowledgment it might not always be that way. I don’t think what sex you are determines how you think in this context, I actually think it’s just the healthiest way to be in a relationship.

From AI with supported research studies
Surveys historically show that men are more likely to admit to cheating than women, with about 20% of men and 13% of women reporting infidelity. However, the gender gap is narrowing. Among younger adults aged 18 to 29, recent data indicates that women are now slightly more likely to cheat than men (11% versus 10%). 1, 2]

Yeah, I’ve no idea about my husband - he’s lovely and dedicated to our family but who knows. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I know of one currently “loved up” married couple (both absolutely gorgeous) who are celebrating their newborn at the moment and he’s a complete menace. I’m sure she would say here that he’d never stray.

This, often the he is cheating is followed by the poster projecting their own issues on the OP. I think often the pile ons forget that there are real people and families behind the posts.

The replies to this are restoring my faith in the average sanity of others somewhat

Larry's wife wasn't right. Gina Gershon's character was very keen to sleep with Larry, and they were in bed, about to DTD, when Larry sabotaged it with his usual nonsense.

You can’t possibly know someone better than they know themselves. This is what OP is talking about.

I think it depends on past experiences and your way of thinking. Personally I feel a lot of people can easily lie and give off a persona that may not be true. I personally have never trusted a partner 100% even when I have felt secure. I think there are always opportunities to cheat even if you are busy if that’s what you want to do. Personally I wouldn’t cheat I would leave if I was unhappy. I think I have experienced that men can lie more easily than women. Women cheat too. I think men are more likely to cheat and stay women possibly cheat as they want to leave.