AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Room with a View was my favourite film for many years.
Then I read the book. And there is a one page addenda in the book which gives a brief outline of how things panned out for the characters in the future. And in the future George is unfaithful to Lucy.
It totally shocked me actually and has put me off the film. I'd rather not have known the future.

Two major social surveys suggest the number is between 20-23%, that 10% of this is between young persons in the 17-25 age range and female. Also mentioning that serial cheaters skew the data.
So chances are many men are faithful.

I agree with this.

i 100% trust my husband and he’s never given me any reason to doubt him.

but id rather be wrong about that than live my marriage fearful he’s cheating and looking for signs.

ive never cheated on him either so I know it’s possible not to!

I’d not be complacent but would be very surprised. Dh is adoring of me and our DDs. He does all he can to avoid travel with work and moans about it when he can’t get out of it.

His former girlfriend cheated on him and he was absolutely devastated. Actually my fear used to be that I would cheat on him in a moment of madness! He would definitely end it if I did.

There’s a massive disparity between study, culture and the definition of cheating (as evidenced on this forum). According to your own data, there are a huge number of “faithful” men but in any case, most people aren’t going to worry about statistical data, they’re going to look after their emotional wellbeing. I have no reason whatsoever to suspect my husband is cheating but I do know I wouldn’t be a doormat, which is the most important thing in my view. You mention men not getting caught out and their partner never finding out but what I see are women staying with men who cheat. Thats the e reality check as far as I’m concerned.

He might, I might, but it’s doubtful.

I have known a few serial shaggers around, male and female, and wondered did there other halves know? Some travelled for work, others were always out on work do’s and would be going home late if at all…. I think those people skew it.

I honestly believe I'd be more likely to cheat than my husband, and I'm not cheating or going to. Yes, I trust him completely, until given reason to think otherwise.

Does it matter if you don’t know and no harm is done? I mean the guilt is on the person doing the cheating. I’d much rather presume innocent until proven guilty - who wants to live a life with a partner whilst constantly being on guard for potential cheating??

I‘m not condoning cheating per se but why are you having a dig at all the women who are „none the wiser“??

Both sexes are actually pretty equal in terms of cheating % wise. Are you a woman who was cheated on and wishes to rub it into everyone’s face how their partners can’t possibly be loyal?

Of course my DH might cheat. There’s also a good chance he won’t. I can’t control it either way so there’s no point fretting over what may or may not happen, and I’ll trust him until he proves me otherwise!

That said, I do think people who say their husbands would NEVER cheat are very naive. Anyone can cheat and there’s been enough blindsided Mumsnetter to prove that. (The “he doesn’t have time” line is also baloney, where there is a will, there is always a way).

I’d be interested in how they get accurate data, I’d expect the figures to be higher given A LOT of people get away with cheating.

I agree the shaggers skew it. My team had two senior partners. I was sitting on my own in a cafe in Amsterdam on a conference.The nice partner walked past asked if he could join me (I was a gorgeous twenty something at the time). He spent the whole meal moaning about “bloody conferences”
he just wanted to be at home and talked about his wife and teens. As we sat there the other partner (who was on his third wife) headed out into Amsterdam on his own with a smirk. We both 🙄. Encapsulated the difference between the two types…

I know women who have cheated in the past, I genuinely don’t understand where they find the time.

Where are the studies which show 50% of married men cheat? Do you work in this field? Are these UK studies? My search pulled up varying statistics but most suggested around a third of married men, not half. The statistics also look to vary by country.

Also, what is being counted as cheating? A drunk kiss at an office party? Visiting a strip club? Flirty texts with a colleague? Obviously everybody would class an affair as cheating but some of the above would be shrugged off by some women and not considered cheating.

My mum says about her partner if he finds the time to cheat good luck to him

My DH may have cheated on me or he may cheat in the future as I don’t believe you can predict it. However he’s never given me any reason to suspect & I have never cheated so it’s not something I think about much.

YABU

While it's highly unlikely that they are all correct, mathematically it's perfectly possible

The responders are not a random sample. People who have doubts are far less likely to post. So there's plenty of space, mathematically, for the 80%-90% of posters who say there partners would never cheat to be from the part of the population whose partners have never cheated.

The first line of your post (so oft used by cheating men) is quite laughable.

My husband has many faults - but he’s not a cheater. He cannot lie for love nor money. Some men (and women of course) find such things much more difficult than others.

I’m not saying that there’s a 100% chance he categorically never would - but if he did I’d know about it.

I don’t think I can even trust myself 100% as you don’t know what circumstance or situation you may end ip in.

Yes I loved the film and read the book and was upset that George in the 1st World War ,I think, cheated, he loved her so much.
People not only men do cheat but not 50%.
But as the old saying says what you dont know dosnt hurt you.

100% this. I have known a few men in the past who have cheated and they are definitely the ones no one would think would. Not just their partners were shocked but everyone who knew them.

If someone asked me I would always agree that there is the possibility for sure and anyone insisting there is 100% no chance of it happening is definitely naive but how could you function normally constantly worrying about it.

The older I get the more I think the concept of marriage and faithfulness is ridiculous. Why must love between two people be exclusive? Who said? Hasn’t life moved on? I am married, I don’t know nor care whether my partner has cheated. I have no interest in cheating myself, just no interest in men at this point. Maybe it’s an age thing but the amount of time and angst wasted on relationships- is he cheating, has she strayed, is he thinking about someone - it just seems childish looking back on life. The women who want to police their partners thoughts is alarming - is he thinking about other women, does he find other women attractive - yes, he is and does. So do women. It’s unrealistic to not find others attractive. Marriage is a straitjacket for all, foisted on us centuries ago, but our more sophisticated way of life still clings onto the outdated concept of monogamy.

We are on Earth a short time but we have all been sold a pup when it comes to relationships. Women get shackled up with unsuitable men, thinking they can change them, because society has told them you have to be in a relationship- using up precious time on deadbeats, making being in a relationship the be all and end all of life. It isn’t.

In answer to the OPs question, I do think people are delusional about the thought of their partner cheating. But then I think most people are delusional about monogamous relationships in general. (edited for typo)

I agree actually ExBert. It seems quite dramatic and childish somehow. If dh cheated I actually would prefer not to know. Thats a choice he would have to live with.

I accept that one day I could be proven wrong, but I trust my DH.

Mainly because I have seen him pass up other opportunities to 'cheat' in life, without any hesitation. I've seen him stick to his principles when it would have been far easier, and even beneficial for him not to. He acts with integrity even when he thinks noone is watching.

I wouldn't have married or had children with a man I didn't trust. And I would rather be happily besotted with him, and crushed one day, then be constantly paranoid and always holding a bit of myself back.

@ExBert80I know women & men who have turned a blind eye & would rather not know. I think that’s a valid choice too.