AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

I also think it’s not that men who cheat.

“Studies show”. What studies?

I don't know how women who get cheated on can look themselves in the mirror and still stay in the relationship telling themselves they're happy, confident and life is great. It's basically the biggest degradation that a man thinks your time and presence is not worthy enough for him.

I feel it's very easy to spot cheating relationships on social media. Those are the ones where you feel the woman is posting for "a third person's gaze". You might see a super loved up holiday picture but there's something a tiny bit off, as if the content was intentionally aimed for one specific person to see. The updates are always a tiny bit too performative, the timings a bit too calculated and you get the feeling that it's not just a spur of the moment happy update.

Especially with influencers who have to create content as part of their job, you can easily spot the ones who post organic positive updates vs calculated positive updates. Many cannot leave the relationship due to financial or lifestyle reasons but you can tell that they're trying to get the upper hand over whatever mistress is stalking their account. Sad really.

The most accurate theory is that that the happiest couples are those who don't need to post anything for the public.

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Learn to think critically about studies and statistics, learn to cite your sources (this particular stat seems like some bullshit you half-saw on TikTok once), learn to take into account multiple variables (other than just gender).

Every time I see an MN post talking about "studies show that men are like this, women are like that" and treating it as an iron law, my brain hurts.

So, by your logic, you're saying that every single male aged 18-70 in the UK is using female sex workers?

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point.

Really? I find this difficult to believe.

As for the question of trust - trust is a decision you take, not a mathematical certainty.

There's no point being in a distrustful relationship. If you don't trust your partner for whatever reason then you're setting yourself up for a miserable existence. You have to be comfortable taking the risk of trusting them 100%. It's a risk you take in order to be happy, it's not running the numbers for ironclad certainty.

You may as well say people who assume their aeroplane won't crash are naive and delusional. I think we all know aeroplanes crash sometimes. And yet most of us are happy to trust that our particular one won't, because that leads to a better life for us.

I thought my husband of over 25 years wouldn't cheat in a million years . No way . Until he did .

I know of men who cheated on their pregnant wives , with their wife's friends , even with men . Nothing is impossible to happen and nothing shocks me anymore.

I completely agree.

Do I think DH has had a drunken snog with someone else at some point in our relationship? Maybe, particularly before we got married. Do I care? Not really. But I don’t know when he’d fit an affair in, I know where he is all the time. I also think that I would be extremely unlikely to cheat and afford him the same level of trust.

Reminds me of something I read probably here. What did the woman do when she found out her husband was sleeping with the nanny? Increased the nanny's wages!

I think it’s nice people feel that way. I used to - had a great relationship with a “safe and introverted” type who never did much except work and be with me and the kids and was very loving. He still managed to cheat at work when the opportunity arose (and I had no clue until stumbling on evidence years later).

I’d love to go back to that level of trust with anyone - i would never be that naive again but it’s a good naivety

No, but it is much more prevalent.

Man - wife, kids. Old and busted.
Shiny new thing in office/local bar.
To get anywhere near that he has to negotiate HR, social media, new haircut and clothes without arousing suspicion, plus the time.
A lot of admin, really.
But if he goes to, say, the gym a couple of times a week, there we have an opportunity.
Goes to the gym, as normal.
Phone in locker so 'find my phone' will show him at the gym.
Nips out from gym for half an hour with a pre-booked assignation.
Returns to gym, returns home freshly showered, wife none the wiser.
All he has to do is keep the financial side private/out of sight and he can do this as long as he wants.
The service provider is never going to call or message or hassle him in any way.

Most sex workers I have engaged with would put 50% as a starting figure.

I used to work in a very male area and yeah quite a few were cheating on their wives. For some reason they told me lots about their antics. There was one guy who preferred prostitutes as to him this wasn't really cheating. Go figure

I don’t think it’s one or the other.

It’s quite normal to fully believe your partner has been faithful while also understanding and accepting fully that we can never know another’s mind 💯. That’s just rationality.

I think a more useful question/exercise to do would be to try & put yourself in your OH's position, reflect on their existence, relationship, everything, and honestly think - are they 100% satisfied in this relationship? Most people are incapable of doing that though, or too scared IMO.

If my second husband says he's going to play golf then that's where he is. The car has a built in tracker which I could use to see where he is. I've never felt the need. He says he's at golf, therefore he's at golf. My first husband was a lying, cheating tosser.If he'd said he was going to golf he'd have been balls deep in the 17 year old from work Thankfully they are like chalk and cheese.

There isn’t a single thread on MN where “80-90% of posters” say their husband or partner is 100% faithful, so your opening premise is incorrect. On any thread there are only ever a handful of posters that make such claims, and that proportion is likely very closely matched with reality.

...50% of men in the UK are regularly using sex workers? That's insane lol, its definitely nowhere near that high.

Same as my situation.

After a 30 year relationship you think you know someone 100%.

But you really don't.

Back then I could well have been one the posters who said, not my husband. He would never. He wouldn't have the time as he is too busy etc etc.

He had three affairs prior to me finding out about the 4th one.

To say everyone, including me, was shocked was an understatement. I was blindsided. Because why...? He didn't seem the type.

So in my older and now wiser years, I'll just say never to put 100% trust in anyone.

I'm not implying you need to start monitoring movements and tracking your spouses every movement. I am saying that if you need that 1% of preparedness one day, it's going to help you if one is ever unfortunately placed in a situation.

And I am not just singling out men. This goes for everyone.

Nope, I can't accept that at least half of all adult males in the UK use sex workers.

I very much used to be in the "not my Dave" camp. Until he went off with someone 15 years younger than him.

Everyone is capable of it.

Men are as faithful as their options...

I think you’ve missed the point, Its not that only men cheat its that its women, not men, who seem to feel this compulsive need to go: “Oh no not mine. Mine is far too loyal/loving or I am too beautiful or clever or I did such a good job choosing him.” Etc etc.

Men don’t do this. They accept that fidelity in marriage is a game of roulette. You don’t know if your spouse is going to cheat or not.

All you can do is trust until your trust is broken. Its absurd to pretend there’s some magical formula for predicting or preventing cheating.

I thought that too. Genuinely.

Reality? Cheated on me throughout our entire relationship and marriage spanning almost 2 decades. Other people were even more shocked than me.

Some men are exceptional liars/actors.