AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

I was at a National Trust property the other day, waiting for my partner. I sat at a bench near two women in early 60s talking. One was updating the other on her divorce.

She said after the kids left home they had a great 18 years together and then retired. He had always been interested in learning an instrument and chose the ukulele and joined a group that met in the evening. One thing they always did together was take the dog for an evening walk and the walk was getting later and later, and she started to wonder what was going on. One day he sat her down and she thought he was going to tell her he had terminal cancer he was so grave - no, he told her he had been having an affair, not strumming a ukulele, and was leaving her. She said she was still in shock and that you can never truly know someone even after decades together. I wanted to listen more but my partner came and I had to move away.

So younger women are now more likely to cheat than men.Also, women are strongly encouraged on MN never to admit to cheating.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5544071-should-i-tell-my-husband-about-an-affair-that-ended-last-month?page=13&reply=153361811

Sure there are lots of controlling and abusive men but they don’t seem to feel the need to constantly do PR on their marriages the way women do.

Men are married and that’s a fact of life. If they don’t enjoy the marriage they cheat or leave. They don’t much care about what the rest of the world thinks of their marriages and you don’t see/hear them saying: “Ooh my Jenny would never look at another man. I chose well,” etc.

Thats definitely a female trait and I think it’s bound up with the fact that historically for women status came from the marriage so painting the marriage in the best possible light was really important.

Men don’t really give a shit about what other people think unless there’s blatant cheating. Their status comes from themselves not their wives.

Your "math" (I assume you’re American) seems odd to me. First, where does your 50% figure come from? Please give a link. Second, you’re basing your opinion on people who have posted here, saying they’re sure their husband hasn’t cheated / wouldn't cheat. Has it occurred to you that perhaps those who who know or think that their husband has cheated/would cheat simply haven’t posted about it?

Some posters make up stuff. There is so much anti men stuff on MN. Yet, younger women are more likely to be the cheating partner and MN is full of if you are a woman it is fine to have an affair, just don't tell your husband.
A lot of posters are annoyed if you give statistical information. They want to rabble rouse, however inaccurate.

Who said anything about an affair? Cheating and a full blown affair can be two very different things. A one off drunken kiss with a colleague at a Christmas party is cheating but not an affair. While we're on the subject of work though, that's where they often begin.

Yes but that’s my point, he sabotaged it so she was right. I suspect my DH would too because he drivels on.

@IceCream233
Is not coming back to respond. I think she made up the statistics.
I would like her to respond to the statistical fact that younger women are more likely to cheat than men.

Yes you are correct and people are stupid however its also stupid to think your partner wont be unfaithful, i think a one off one night stand where the partner felt guilty coz you werent getting on is different to a full blown affair, i have a friend and he works one month away and one month home, its beyond obvious hes seeing other women whilst he worke away and everyone knows it, shes not young but the constant messages she writes on facebook to him ie "youre my soulmate i love you so much, i cant breathe without you, i love you more than anything on this planet, you are mine,." My point being she KNOWS hes being unfaithfull which is why she puts it on the public arena, ..and actually men who work away are the worst because the mentality is well all the other guys are doing it so i may as well too

Well said.

It’s not as high as 50% - and anyway these studies are flawed because they rely on self reporting. In any case, I can’t be 100% sure of anything when it comes to other people, but I don’t generally go around assuming the absolute worst of my loved ones. DH knows if I discovered cheating his life would implode as I would leave and take the children, so I can’t seem him doing so- though I am well aware you never know. But the same works both ways. I certainly have more opportunity.

We’ll have to agree to disagree, @Thepeopleversuswork, I really don’t think those sweeping generalisations about ‘men’ are valid. Or women either nowadays come to that.

Isn’t there a timing thing that could make both sets of data add up?

because say you are married for 30years and the first 20 are great ? So it’s only in the later 10 that infidelity becomes likely ?

@Jollyhockeystickss But your evidence is anecdotal. The proper supported research shows that women cheat more than men and on MN women are encouraged to keep affairs secret.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5544071-should-i-tell-my-husband-about-an-affair-that-ended-last-month?page=13&reply=153361811

And it's the ones who say my husbands really against cheating. Well, that's no surprise is it?

@Dawnintheageofaquariams
But your assertion is not backed up by sociological research. And the MN thread I quoted above shows that it is women who are likely to cheat but keep it secret.

Given the opportunity they will. Slept with an ex last month, 2 days later pics of him and girlfriend on social media.

Me & friend out last week, meet a group of men working away from home in our home town, we went home with 2 both had partners at home.

This is only some of the recent stories I can tell, got a lifetime supply of cheating men stories…

This sort of thing does happen and does completely blindside some people. My colleague did with a younger PhD student a decade ago hence why other colleagues still don’t like him, he has a bad reputation. I get on with him and I can look past it.

He’s opened up to me about it and basically said he was adamant he didn’t want children and had made this clear, his wife agreed. Then she got suddenly desperate to have one so he reluctantly relented. Their child has severe autism which of course couldn’t have been predicted. Their lives revolved around him and his routines. The PhD student was young, fun and interesting and he fell in love with her. He waited till she graduated before anything happened and they’re still together now to be fair to him so it wasn’t a fling. I think there’s a 15ish year age gap so not massive.

The divorce was extremely acrimonious and his wife moved to the US with their son which colleague tried to fight in court. He now visits his son a couple of times a year but that’s it. Lives are messy.

If it’s makes you feel better, just keep reminding yourself that SOME women indeed live in blissful ignorance (nothing wrong with that, what you don’t know can’t hurt, sex is just one aspect of life, it’s one thing to cheat regret it never do it again and another to destroy your family - just my opinion).

Agree with this, surveys are unreliable because they are self reports and many people just lie. In really long marriages, alot of people cheat. Is that my business no. So yeah probably they are naive but maybe they like to be. Don't ask, don't tell kinda thing.

I’ve been cheated on numerous times.

My current DP of 20 years would never cheat on me. I know that for a fact.

We have a lot of other issues currently but that will never be one of them. He thinks cheating is abhorrent and his parents went though a bad divorce with new partners.

I would say I am more likely to cheat than him and I’ve never done that. Some of us are built in a way that we won’t cheat.

My DH was cheated on, and said it was the worse time of his life so he’d never do it to anyone.

Aside from that, I don’t know when he’d have time. He works from home, any visitor here would be recorded on the ring door bell. He’s either at the gym, with the kids or me. I know he’s physically at the gym as there’s an AirTag in the car.

Re, the AirTag, I lost the car in an event carpark recently following a bereavement which scared me. I told DH I’d put it in the car and was happy for him to remove it if he wanted to. In his words, ‘where do you think I’m going that I don’t want you to know about?’

I suppose he could be shagging someone at the gym, but I go to the same one and I’m friendlier with the staff than him so I’d soon know! He’s at parkrun at the moment and he’s not quick enough to get the time he does and stop for a quickie!

You can never be 100% but I’m fairly certain.

Well... I was 100% certain he wouldn't. He doesn't go anywhere and couldn't be bothered with the effort, lying, drama etc. He just wants an easy life. Plus he is rubbish at lying and saw first hand the destruction his dad's cheating caused.

However, I found some letters a few years ago from the time that we got together (coming up to 30 years ago) and it seems like he was seeing someone when we got together. The letters show that he very quickly split up with her but it was after he started seeing me.

It was 30 years ago so we were children and stupid. I've never had reason to think he's cheated on me since then but I'm very much of the opinion that once a cheater, always a cheater. So whilst I'm almost 100% certain he wouldn't cheat. If it turned out he did, sadly I wouldn't be completely surprised.

I completely trust him. Cheating is a line in the sand for me. I'm not going to split up over a few weeks 30 years ago but if it happened now then I would. He knows that.

I cannot say 100% he’s never cheated. There has been some opportunity in terms of time away for work but not much else.

I genuinely don’t believe he’s the type but I’m not naive.
There’s always a chance but I’m as sure as I can be.

That’s enough for me and being suspicious and territorial isn’t going to stop it happening so I choose to live with trust.

I don’t think you can be 100% sure your partner / husband would cheat. I think that you can know how he would cheat if he did.

With Dh he wouldn’t have a one night stand or a kiss at a party. If he was to have an affair it would be serious. He would think he was in love and he wanted to be with his affair partner. And that is the type of affair that is hard to hide.