AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Sadly it's a story we hear time and time again. We don't know them better than they know themselves, we know only what they want us to know and many people compartmentalise.

One bloke I used to work with used to go on and on about how he'd never cheat, how if his dw eft him he'd rather be single and once again it turned out he had been sexting someone and meeting for hook ups when he was supposed to be at work for years!

When I was younger and naive I had no idea, always thought it was the 'lady's man/sex pest types' but nope, its anyone!

Exactly!

I would say 20% of men are probably prolific cheaters whatever their age/life stage. They just don't grow up at all

i used to do it myself some time ago, but haven't with current partner. A lot of young people have done it which is perhaps where you get the 50% from. Be interesting to look at the numbers by age and life stage.

The only time I've been cheated on that I know of was a boyfriend many years ago, while we were young, in a very casual relationship that was absolutely moribund by that point. I do remember being surprised at how much it still hurt. I'm not in contact with him any more but he's now long married with children and while I don't know any details of his life now, I don't think what he did then at that point would be any indication of him now.

Apparently he’d been making excuses not to see her for a few weeks and she was livid. I suppose she was trying to force his hand.

And I'm sure he just loved her after that.

I'm sorry you went through all that. I hope you're happy now.

Lots of men are actually decent human beings.

Since this was framed as a math problem - can we look at the obvious?

Basically - we are 50% male and 50% female.
Every male cheat, needs a female partner.

The only situation which would make it more prevalent for males to cheat more that women, is if women were more gullible and stupid than conniving males. For the record, I don't believe this for a second. We are of equal intelligence and ability.

Women are just as liable to cheat as men. Because of Math.

But my point was, even after all that I still did trust him because my core belief was that he would never cheat, so there must have been another reason, ie it was just me being mad.

You had a serious mental health condition (generalised anxiety disorder)

I didn’t. I was miraculously cured once I kicked him out. It did present very similarly!

Lots of women are too. What's your point? No one is saying men are terrible human beings, rather you can never be 100% sure of anyone.

Oh that's absolutely awful to end up with mental health issues caused by constant gaslighting and dodgy behaviour.
Hope you're well and happy now

Lots of men are decent human beings who do not cheat on the throne partners.

Yes we know, many do though it's those we are talking about.

Yes, we know. Some of us are married to them and birthed them. Did you know that?

For me, it was how I viewed my husband. I wish I hadn’t placed him on the pedestal I had him on. I literally hero worshipped him. I’d been miserable prior to meeting him and pretty lonely, so I saw him as my saviour, my greatest ally, my protector. I idolised him. I truly believed with every ounce of my being that he would never hurt me. The gap between this idealisation and reality was particularly devastating and is well known in infidelity psychology. I was cognitively dissonant, I couldn’t marry the belief I had built and the truth in front of me. The betrayal trauma that followed was around my whole sense of safety and self.

I’m going to make one thing clear, I had been cheated on many times in long term relationships. It was horrible BUT was not even remotely on the level of infidelity in my safe secure marriage.

I am not bitter or mean. I am a woman who wouldn’t want my worst enemy to experience what I did. I believe there is a middle ground between blind faith/trust/belief and being a cynical untrusting damaged person.

I believe it comes from valuing yourself and believing that you will be ok if your spouse falls from grace. Having a plan b, just creating a sense of safety through your own actions and plans not relying on another. I don’t think that’s a bad thing either.

*maths.

To be fair though - that was your situation. That doesnt mean that every other woman who trusts her husband has that level of naivety. I trust fully until you give me the slightest reason NOT to trust and then I investigate further.

Also I have never put my husband on a pedestal - I have been put on one by exes and the relationships have never lasted so I am always very wary of anyone who puts you on a pedestal because thats a bit of a narc trait to do that in the beginning

You've answered your own question...why do you even need to ask? 🤔 And some people will know 100%...for everyone else, of course there will people in the dark. It's not called cheating if their partners know about it🤦 and those who've already found out assumedly have already left or will be in your 5-10% who say their partner has cheated. It's not rocket science!

I think it’s more a narc trait to hold yourself up as Mr Perfect, all charming and can’t do enough for everyone. Everyone fell for him, his nickname was “St Thomas”. He just had this way of making everyone believe he was wonderful and didn’t have a bad thought or deed in him.

And yes, it was lunacy to have so much trust in one person. That’s why when I read the posts on this thread that are saying all the things I used to say, it fills me with dread. Luckily the majority of these women won’t fall foul of their spouses, but some may. It doesn’t make men immune from cheating, just because you believe it does. I cringe myself inside out remembering the stupid beliefs I held. I thought that he’d never cheat because we had sex every day. I had this smug notion that only men who weren’t having sex at home cheated. I was a complete nobhead. But until you’ve been through it, you just don’t know!

I was very very firmly in the adamant my husband would never cheat. He was loyal, we were open and trusting, great with the kids and all our friends were joint friends and used to come over for gamss nights etc. Joint bank accounts.he was generous with money, liked my parents etc. He was the one that actually really wanted a kid.

Then one day he announced out of nowhere he was leaving. Making dinner and he just announced it as if he were telling me about a TV show he'd just watched.
He had never stayed away a night so not sure if he cheated in the literal sense, but was definately having an emotions affair with a colleague I liked and trusted and considered a friend. Within a week he had moved out and was dating her and he stopped seeing our child.
I would have bet my life on this man never ever even looking at another woman. That's how loyal he felt. Until he suddenly wasn't.
There were no 'signs', he didn't hide his phone, he didn't come home late. The only thing that ever happened was he went to a bbq night that I couldn't make because I was ill and left me home with kid after I'd asked him to stay home. That was 3 days before he told me he was leaving out of the blue.

At the time I obviously thought it was a bit twatty of him to go out, but as he was always the one watching child so I could go out to hobbies I thought maybe he just felt like he was owed the night regardless of if I was ill.
That was it.

So yanbu. I would have bet my child's life on him being faithful and loyal. And he wasn't.
It totally shattered my trust in any man and I will never again put my all into anyone after how shocking that betrayal felt!!

Men who walk away from their child when they leave the relationship are actually evil.

If they are capable of doing this, then the child is very likely better off without them in their life

Yes but it's also a narc trait to love bomb someone and act like they are perfect/put them on a pedestal they can never live up to because when you inevitably find out they arent perfect, thats when devaluation begins which is the classic narc routine. Its textbook narc