AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Yes. I am not interestrd in putting him on a leash.

I’m not sure it’s as high as 50% but sadly I agree that a lot of people who are confident their partner has never or would never cheat are wrong. Very wrong.

I was on dating apps a lot in my 30s and it was truly shocking to me how many men were in relationships. I’m not even talking about the ones who were brazen about it.

Apps and social media have given men who would previously not have had the opportunity to cheat, to do so without very much effort.

Of the ones I encountered the vast majority were cheating due to sulking that they were no longer the centre of attention once kids came along and/or lack of sex. Not one seemed to take any responsibility for being lazy partners, unengaged dads or having any empathy or understanding for the pressure their partners might be under.

One guy in particular, who was the reason I stopped dating in general, was chilling in his cheating. We went on a few dates before I found out he was very much married and not separated as he’d said. To the outside world and his wife he was the ultimate family man, caring, kind, faithful. His social media profiles were full of family pics and wholesome activities and all the comments were full of ‘the perfect family ‘ comments from
people who knew them. The reality he confessed to me - and I have no idea why he chose to be so honest with me in the end - was being on every app there was, seeking sex and validation from anyone who would have him. He was having sex with strangers, men, women, couples, groups. Long term affairs. He never cheated locally or within the family social circle.

It is the single most horrifying experience I have had with a man on a dating app and I would never trust a man I met online again.

I can trust myself 100% as regardless of circumstance, I know what I would and wouldn’t do and absolutely nothing would change that.

As for 100% trusting anyone else? I did, but never again will I do that.

Pretty much this.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single person say they were 100% sure? I’ve seen many say they’re as sure as they can be……that’s quite different.

Genuinely wondering where these threads are in which the overwhelming majority of posters are completely sure their partner would never cheat?

DH wouldn't have the opportunity to cheat. He WFH and never goes anywhere! Plus, he's not a twat, which helps.

Look at the number of sex workers in the UK, work out how much work they have to do to make it viable, look at the number of men aged 18 to 70.
I don't think 50% is an unrealistic figure over a year.

The Mumsnet obsession with cheating is so weird. You sound like a very negative unhappy person OP.

I believe there are three types of men. Ones who will never ever cheat ones who will always cheat and ones who would like to cheat but cannot take that leap.

I think the majority of married men are capable of cheating if they were 100% sure they wouldn’t get caught. My husband although I would like to say he would never cheat, I certainly wouldn’t stake my life on it.

The MN view of life is skewed by people who's partners are cheating posting on here for advice. In reality I can only think of one marriage I know of which broke up due to someone cheating (in that case it was the wife).

I don't believe my DH has cheated and I don't think he would. He really just isn't the type. He'd regard it as degenerate behaviour and he knows he's got a good deal with me. I've been very ill recently and he's been an absolute rock.

I’m of the opinion that a significant amount of men who have not cheated just haven’t had the opportunity to.

I worked in a very male industry and saw everything that went on. Often the ones you would least expect so yes you are naive as are the women who are 100% certain.

What about the "100% sure she’s never cheated" crowd?" Or is this yet another man-bashing thread?

You’re wrong on that for applying it to a sample size on any given Mumsnet thread. It’s not an unbiased sample drawn fairly and randomised. You don’t know age, demographic, how long they’ve been married/together, living conditions etc.

Apply that same research to a specific group and the 50% statistic may well fall apart – you wouldn’t know.

Huh? There are approx 73,000 sex workers in the UK and 20,000,000 men aged 18-70. Not to mention one man will cycle through many sex workers and sex workers will also have many regulars.

Oh joy yet another rage bait post to which I doubt the OP will ever return

these seem to be getting more regular by the day

anyway, I believe my DH has never and would never cheat. Can I be 100% sure? Not without thumbscrews no but I love him and believe the best of him not the worst

And how many women have an inkling their partner has cheated but never had black and white evidence. The threads with emotional affairs or messages that cross lines but ‘nothing happened physically’ I think it’s likely rife in both men and women.

It is nearer 100,000 realistically.
Let's say 3 clients per day over a 5 day week as an average.
Independents maybe less, parlour girls up to a dozen.
So that is 1.5m per week.
Some regulars weekly, most can't afford that so will be monthly or bi-monthly.
Over a year you hit that 20m men pretty comfortably.

Men don't pay for sex, they pay for discretion.

i doubt my DH has. He’s insanely busy w work, comes home straight after work unless he’s playing football w the (old) lads or going to a networking meeting, he’s done that for 30+ years. Used to travel for work a long time ago but it’s highly unlikely he did anything untoward, worked in a male dominated industry.

I did once snog someone in a club once but that was before we were engaged, never told DH. Was a one-off act of pissed idiocy!

All the people I know who've cheated are women so maybe men are the ones who should be suspicious based on this logic.

This is a classic of the genre. “Know him better than he knows himself” is such a delusional and arrogant statement. Of course you can’t know someone else better than they do.

I agree OP. Its just impossible to predict how another person who is not you will behave.

I find the desire to insist that you know something which is basically unknowable bizarre.

Just accept that you don’t know and that the whole point of trust is that you accept that you dont know.

I’d never say “he 100% will never cheat” because tbh I wouldn’t even say that about myself (not because I think I’m going to cheat, but because I assume a fair number of women who’ve cheated never thought they would either at one point). But I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone where I wouldn’t be genuinely shocked if they cheated.

Yet another post assuming men are the only ones that cheat. Do are men who believe their wives would never cheat also naive - because '50%' of them are going to be shagging behind their back?

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