AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

My husband isn't the type to do that..naive as it sounds I know him better than he knows himself

Honestly most of the married men I know are so busy I can’t really see where they’d fit an affair in.

And most of them if left alone for any period of time just want to go to the gym or a run. Maybe have a pint with a mate.

I don’t know where everyone is getting all this time and energy to have affairs.

You are right. Anyone might cheat given the right circumstances but we all very poor at predicting our own and others' behaviour in such circumstances.

im more irritated with the ‘he must be cheating’ brigades- men can be assholes or have midlife crises, be beyond stressed or sadly fall out of love, check out etc etc, the fact that on mn people have problems or the dh is working non stop or he decides to start working out etc and the go to is he’s having an affair makes me roll my eyes, chances are more he’s fed up of women and wants to be single.

Due to my DH’s job he had every opportunity to cheat. Do I think he did, no. Do I know that he could have and got away with it, yes.

I think it’s much better to be sure your partner wouldn’t cheat and perhaps be wrong on one day out of an entire marriage, than to live your life in a ferment of jealous surveillance and negative thinking.

Think well of people and they are much more likely to behave well as a rule. As for perfection, that’s for smartphones not people.

Are you unhappily single OP? Do you tell yourself that even if you were in a relationship he would probably be cheating on you anyway?

I have no evidence he has cheated so why would i assume he has? I have never had one feeling or thought he has so if he has cheated what can I do about it? Use Chinese water torture to find out?

So you want people to think their partners has cheated this works better for you? Its weird

Do this work for females do their male or female partners need to think their parent has cheated?

Do you need others to be cheated on to make yourself feel better?

You’re missing the difference between has never cheated and would never cheat.

It is entirely possible that lots of people are sure their partner has never cheated. What they can’t predict is that nothing will change. This is where people sound naive, nobody can predict the future.

It is true that you can never know anything in life with 100% certainty. Certainly there are women whose husbands cheat who are genuinely shocked when they find out. But, you have to trust your partner if they’re a good person and have given you no reason to doubt them otherwise you’d drive yourself mad.

Where did you get this 50% stat from? I’ve been looking and it puts it around 30% for both men and women.

My DH has never and would never cheat. Ever. Maybe start looking for better men. There are loads out there despite what Mumsnet say

I just googled and I'm getting answers of between 1 in 5 and 1 in 3 people admitting to cheating (roughly equal numbers between men and women) so I don't think it's as high as 50%.

There must be a lot of people whose partners are cheating on them who think 'my partner would never do that', because most people wouldn't get together with someone who they thought was the cheating type in the first place. But equally I'm sure there are lots of people who think 'my partner would never do that' and are right. No way to know for certain without being a mind reader, I suppose. But at some point you just have to trust the other person, because otherwise what's the point?

Perhaps see it as optimism rather then delusion.

I've worked 40 years in a male dominated industry, much of it spent organising events and conferences. About 50% of delegates are on the lookout as soon as they arrive from the airport. They know they are a long way from home. Maybe 10% of men absolutely would not, and the other 40% are in the "don't set out to stray but it happens after four beers, a few shots and some encouragement from their mates" category. To be fair this group probably do regret it.

In my current office there is one man who is completely besotted with his wife and definitely wouldn't. All of the eight others would, given a discreet opportunity.

It’s not naivety it’s trust. If you enter a relationship assuming your partner is going to cheat then you’re with the wrong person to start off with. I find the attitude that every man would cheat when given the chance more annoying if I’m being honest

I find the MN obsession with cheating so strange. People do not go on about it anywhere near this much in real life.

Get a hobby, maybe?

Lots of people say things just to convince themselves or because the truth is hard to accept. Many many women are in relationships with arsehole men that don't respect them. The classic "he's a great husband but... He raped/beats/bullies/financially abused me etc." "he's a great dad but doesn't change nappies/know what size clothes our kids are in/ acknowledge their existence/stop screaming at them" etc.

"He jokes about me not being good enough for him, that I'm old/fat/ugly/boring/lazy, goes out all the time and refuses to spend any time with me, slags me off to his family but no he's never cheat on me because I could never face it."

When I accepted my ex wasn't a good man that just did horrible things and was actually just a horrible man and you realise that yes, those nights he didn't come home till the middle of the next day he was obviously cheating, because what would stop a lying abusive man who didn't love or respect me from cheating?

That said, my H has absolutely not and never will, he loves me through and through, he respects me, he cares for me, he brags about me to his mates and the mum's at school. He can't lie for shit to me. He would never throw our life away and he knows I would never take it. I know him to the depth of his soul and I believe in him because he is genuinely a one in a billion actually good man.

I absolutely knew he would never cheat. He wasn't the type. We'd been together 30 years - become the people we were together. And we loved each other. Life was good. Plus, when would he fit it in?? I was 100% sure.

Until he left me for a woman he'd been seeing for 4 years.

I don't regret trusting the man I loved. I was wrong, but as a poster said, the alternative would have been to live in a state of distrust.

I don't regret my beautiful children.

I won't ever trust anyone ever again - I think he permanently broke that. But I had a good run.

I do now believe that every man can cheat, but I don't think that should change how you live your life.

I think its lovely that they feel that way and personally I wouldn't want to try to strip them of that. They are happy. They feel secure. I hope they never lose that.

I dont trust anyone 100%. People are not trustworthy ime. I dont think its important that other people feel that way. I wish I didnt feel that way!

I work with a lot of men. Some of them have cheated at conferences, it’s fairly rampant in the academic community to be honest. One of them left his wife for a PhD student which still makes people look down on him now a decade on. I don’t judge, not my monkeys after all and they’re nice enough guys.

I don’t think my DH would but good luck to any woman bothering if he did! She can listen to his 15 minute rants about work and people I’ve never met, give me a break.

When I worked in the city I think 25% was more realistic. A minority of men are incorrigible shaggers and would always cheat. Most werent though.

The red flag was overseas travel. As they got more senior the decent men did all they could to avoid it - sending juniors (ie me at the time) to overseas client work. The shaggers did all the international travel themselves as a good opportunity to play away.

This is exactly how I feel. My DH knows that I know him better than he knows himself 😂

A friend, who is a relationship counsellor, said that in the 20 years she has been a counsellor she has met a handful of men who leave to be alone. Usually he leaves ibecause he has someone ‘in his head or in his bed ‘ .

I suppose mine might - it’s not impossible - but it feels quite unlikely. He shows great integrity in all other areas of life and shows me he loves me every day in some way or other.

I will trust him 100% unless I have any reason not too because life is exhausting enough without adding imagined problems to the real ones.

I feel that anyone putting 100% trust into other person, is slightly naive.