AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

That’s not how it works though. Technically 50% of men could be single, as could 50% of women. If all the married men cheated with all the single women, 100% of married men would be cheats, and 0% of the married women.

Obviously highly unlikely, but it shows that it’s possible for men to cheat more than women.

So yeah, the actual figures are that 20% of married men and 13% of married women cheat, OP was wildly exaggerating. Unfortunately however, if he's already cheated studies show he will almost certainly do so again.

And of course nobody is really saying they are 100% absolutely definitively sure their husband isn't cheating - and equally of course there is no point at all in worrying about something which can't be proven and which has not raised its head at all.

It's neither naive, nor delusional to think your life partner is not an abusive liar. It's simply the normal, healthy way to think and act.

Some, including OP, are bitterly hoping that every woman is cheated on because that will comfort them. Some are never happy unless others are dragged into the gutter with them.

I've been cheated on and of course there are always signs. I mean always. Unless he has incorporated cheating into your relationship from day 1 and normalised any signs you might see or he is a psychopath who has set out to lie to you specifically everyone - abslolutely everyone - notices something is amiss.

Of course that's not victim blaming, in any way. You may not realise what the signs were pointing to until later. Those who have been cheated on and dumped their ex (as I did) for cheating are particularly attuned to it.

So, always trust your gut, but don't spend any time at all worrying about it if you have not sensed anything to worry about. Borrowing misery from the future is a stupid pursuit.

So don't ignore the signs (unless you plan to ignore them forever and hope he stays, which is your choice of course) and don't ever fret about things that will probably never happen if everything seems ok.

And by the way, one of the signs is he's hiding access to his devices. That's not normal, despite what those who are in favour of cheating will tell you 😉 Normal, healthy relationships mean that you can both access one another's devices at any time - and you generally don't bother to but occasionally it's convenient or useful.

What we can factually say though is that those who smirk "You just never know and can definitely not tell and all or most men cheat" are bitter, unhappy and wish that misery on other women.

Glad we got that cleared up :)

I trust DH, he’s never done anything to make me lose that trust. Maybe he will one day, who knows? Until he does, I’ll trust him implicitly because I’m not going to spend my life believing he is or is about to have sex with someone behind my back.

Same for me.

I don't think my husband would cheat, we've been together 20 years and have 2 kids but it's not about naivety at all. I just know he'd drive himself mad with regret and he's a very sincere chap and I do t think he'd be able to live with himself so he'd tell me.

Yes, but according to you, his sincerity isn’t going to stop him having an affair, only keeping schtum about it!

No it's both, I just don't pretend that life is perfect, people develop feelings for other people, people do stupid things, people blow their lives up all the time. I don't put impulsive stupidity past anyone but hiding it is different

Fair enough! A friend of mine was equally upfront, as it happens. He fell head over heels for someone he literally bumped into on a fortnight’s consultancy overseas, told his wife of 22 years as soon as he got home and immediately moved out. They divorced with a lot of distress, neither of his YA children spoke to him for years, and he married the OW as soon as possible.

I suppose what I’m saying is that his inability/unwillingness to keep schtum didn’t materially change things in this case.

😂😂😂

It does change things though, or maybe it's a very specific values thing, if my husband cheated and left I'd get over it, don't want me I don't want you either kind of outlook. I'd grieve, I love him to high heaven but if move on and there would have to be as little animosity as possible for the kids.

We all only live once and I don't necessarily think you should stay with someone forever if they change etc. if my husband cheated he wouldn't be the man I met, married and loved all these years anymore. I'd have to readjust and move on. Similarly if the best way to spend the rest of his life was with someone else, well fine, I'm not here to keep him hostage till he dies.

We make an effort to love each other, enjoy each other and still want to be together. You can't assume the future though.

That said I'm fortunate to have my own career, friends, interests and life that goes beyond my relationship and family. Is just realign all of that I guess.

Gor sidetracked and forgot to say I could move on and forgive and break up and realign as long as I know. The humiliation yof a long affair, hidden and deceived and finding I'd been living a lie? That is struggle to recover from

'Some, including OP, are bitterly hoping that every woman is cheated on because that will comfort them. Some are never happy unless others are dragged into the gutter with them'

This is just not true. Most are saying they've witnessed others go through through the devastation and don't want others to suffer.

You then go on to say 'So, always trust your gut, but don't spend any time at all worrying about it if you have not sensed anything to worry about'' which is true. Obviously don't spend your time worrying about it but also don't think it will never happen, none of us know I cannot believe the deluded posters who think their dh could never lie or live with the guilt. Men are very good at compartmentalising and enabling their own behaviour.

Anyway, if both make an effort to have a happy healthy relationship it lessens the chances. Just don't get complacent! <that word again, sorry >

Most are saying they've witnessed others go through through the devastation and don't want others to suffer.

this doesn’t make sense. So are you saying that by not being 100% trusting, you are saving yourself from being devastated if your husband and cheats?

I'm saying live a full and happy life but keep your eye on the ball. It should be obvious tbh.

This is just not true. Most are saying they've witnessed others go through through the devastation and don't want others to suffer.

This makes no sense. Random people online cannot control what other women's husbands do and as Ive asked in this thread- practically what does this even mean??? being suspicious? going through their phone? checking up on them? putting a gps tracker in their car? how exactly do you prevent other women being cheated on WITHOUT them acting like Hercule Poirot - a behaviour that IS going to damage their relationship anyway because lack of trust always does.

but keep your eye on the ball. It should be obvious tbh.

No- this isnt obvious - how exactly do you do this without becoming controlling and weird

No you’re implying that by not being 100% trusting, you are “saving yourself from the devastation” of discovering your husband has cheated

Added to which… how does not trusting someone 100% save yourself from the devastation of your husband cheating??

it makes so sense!

What would "keep your eye on the ball" involve practically?

Police his friendships? Get territorial whenever another woman hoves into view? Snoop on his phone? Track his movements? Doesn't sound like a happy life to me.

I'm not sure what you aren't getting here. Yes of course trust your dp, just be aware cheats don't wear badges saying I'm a lying cheat. They are often the dullest, most reliable people that you'd never suspect of it. I knew someone whose dh works away and was using sex workers, they found out purely by chance with a tech sync issue revealing messages.

So if something doesn't add up do not presume he'd 'never do it' that's all.

You @Gloriia ??? Not sure what a poster is getting at?? Never!!

@Gloriia doesn’t went to divulge how she does this in her very happy marriage. Suggests we get a marriage counsellor for advice 😆

You said that you just want to save women from devastation

How does not being 100% trusting save someone from the devastation of being cheated on?

Ok. I'll try again. An example, Do you have kids, and do you trust them? If you do of course you trust them but I'm sure you are also aware of warning signs if there are issues. Being unpleasant at home, being secretive, not being where they said they were going to be etc. If your kids displayed odd behaviour you'd worry, yes? Same with dps.

Don't presume if they are distracted at home they are just tired and busy. Things like that. Very basic life skills tbh, to be aware of what's going on around you.

Just don't presume they 'would never do that'.