AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

Well in 100% sure and also aware I could be completely wrong. But I wouldn't stay in a marriage where I thought it was likely he was cheating. So it's a tough one.

Why would I accuse DH of infidelity against no evidence other than population level statistics?

I get being financially prepared, that's sensible, but I'm just not convinced you can 'head off' the emotional impact without also emotionally detaching yourself from your marriage, which doesn't seem ideal. It reminds me a bit of when I was going through recurrent miscarriage and people helpfully told me not to let myself get attached so I wouldn't get upset. Easier said than done, and trying robbed me of any joy in the early stages of my first successful pregnancy. I'm not sure you can avoid grief by not letting yourself care too much, at best you spread it out over a longer period.

He’s the least sly person I have ever met. I’m not, I can be incredibly sly. I can spot a sly person a mile off and he doesn’t have the sort of intellect necessary to be so.

Great, if you are sorted for the future that's good to hear.

Sounds like you won't need it though, your marriage sounds happy & secure. As I say, I don't believe everyone cheats like some on here do.

It’s not about accusing anyone, that would be batshit.

It’s about recognising that it could happen.

Exactly that, I know my husband wouldn't anyway, he had it done to him in a previous relationship and it broke him, I know he wouldn't do that to someone else. Plus we have a 5yo and a 2yo and both work full time, there just isn't enough hours in the day to cheat in all honesty for either of us.

I will admit I found trust hard at first due to lies from previous partners but I do trust my husband 100%, been together nearly 20 years now.

We have even spoke of if something happens to one of us, I told him if I die I would be fine with him moving on (in time) with someone else, to be happy. His reply was he doesn't think he would be bothered with the hassle, well if he can't be bothered with the hassle when I'm dead I don't think he'd want the even bigger agg of doing it when I'm still here.

Just because they can cheat doesn't mean they will.

Multiple friends
work colleagues
school gate mums
people who have met doing activities
people you have met doing courses

They have all confided on you that their partners cheated

as I say… not surprised that not being complacent in a relationship is so important to you in your “very happy marriage”

@Gloriia not willing to divulge how she guards against complacency in her “very happy marriage”

If you read my post I said a surprising number. Not everyone I've ever met, obviously .

Are you ok, is this thread triggering for you? Best way to think about is not everyone cheats but many do so just don't presume it'll never happen.

To be fair to @Gloriia it’s often something you hear on the grapevine rather than always being confided in. I know plenty of women whose marriages have ended in infidelity from close friends and relatives to casual acquaintances.

Why would I?! As I say maybe try relationship counselling for tips and advice.

No you said that know that multiple friends, colleagues, people at school, people on courses you’ve been on and activities you have done - have been cheated on.

I mean that is what you said! and my point is… if I had all these people telling me they’d been cheated on… well I would probably be like you and very careful to guard against complacency in my marriage.

As it happens, one close friend was cheated on and told me. And one colleague. And a teacher with another teacher at my child’s school I heard about. Aside from that.. I’m not aware of anyone being cheated on. Of course there will be more… I just haven’t been told.

ps I always have a smile when I see poster ask whether thread is triggering for another poster 😊

'No you said that know that multiple friends, colleagues, people at school, people on courses you’ve been on and activities you have done - have been cheated on'

You had said had all my fiends and family been cheated on so I helpfully listed other ways I know people. Colleagues, acquaintances etc. We should come across a large cross section of people in our lifetime.

You know my previous posts are visible yes? I said a surprising number. Not multiple.

'Of course there will be more… I just haven’t been told'

So we agree! A surprising number .

Not surprising guarding against complacency is something important to you in your marriage.

But I don’t know
so… doesn’t build up a picture of lots of people i know or aware of being cheated on
hence not feeling like ensuring I’m not complacent to the risk my husband cheats on me is something that I have even considered

So a “surprising number” but not “multiple”

ok. Got it. Kind of.

I think men do like to keep their options open. It's the reason why so many men don't have a vaesectomy despite definitely being done with having children with their wife/partner.
Inherently selfish IMO.

Edit wrong thread! Meant to be in Holidays sorry

'ok. Got it. Kind of'

At last. Well done!

For 'the complacent' as they've been labelled, what would the cheated on say are red flags?
Mobiles were only just getting popular when I was cheated on, we didn't have a PC or anything.. I think I had just one or two examples of mentionitis, compliments stopped, I got snapped at for going in the car's glove compartment (he had the car, I think there was evidence of late night fast food in there, plastic knives & forks etc.. )
As time went on, there was lipstick on his collar.. yep, cliche..
So, not much.

Haha no it was parents' friends. If it is the same he left the wife for a younger woman in his ukulele group, after deliberating between the two for a while. The children were hers from a previous relationship but they had been married 30 odd years.

And if it's not the same couple, who would have thought ukelele was such a rich scene for shaggers?!

No such thing as a poor scene for adultery! I’ve seen it in such unlikely scenarios as an all-female choir (choirmaster was male, married and got together with an alto and a soprano in quick succession), a weekend course for new widows and widowers (but my friend’s father went on one while his wife was still alive and pulled on the first night), a community beach litter pick (couple married to other people emerged from a cave adjusting their clothes), and the biggest serial shagger I know got all of his action as a night manager at an American beach hotel. Parkrun. The local tennis club here is rife with illicit sex.

I'm a man, and I'm going to throw in something here. Its simple maths. If 50% of men allegedly cheat, who do they cheat with? Women presumably. Which means that unless all blokes are cheating with the same small cohort of women, the same proportion, roughly, of women must also cheat. I'm not defending any cheats, I'm merely pointing out that, if the numbers are correct, t can't be just a 'men' problem - which seems to be the tone of many of the responses!

But the men could be cheating with single women couldn't they?
Who thus aren't cheating on anyone themselves.