AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

But your life experience…. Never been cheated on?

I'm not remotely 'suspicious or cynical'. I've been happily married to DH for aeons. But, regardless of whether you are 'career-focused'. no one should rely on anyone else financially past childhood. It improves any relationship, whether friendship/romantic/marital/sexual for it to not be complicated by one-way financial dependence.

I do not for a moment judge anyone who isn't 'career-focused' -- some people just want a job they leave at the door and that doesn't occupy much of their mental energy. Society needs people to do those jobs as well as split the atom, build bridges, cure cancer, write symphonies.

But I think women who have no capacity to earn a living in order to support themselves and their children are making a grave mistake. Being 'fiercely self-supporting' is one of the best things you can do for your marriage, for your children, and for your own MH. And I think it's deeply tragic that you view a woman being financially self-supporting as some kind of radical act, redolent of suspicion and cynicism. You must have had very poor female role models.

Anyone will cheat given the opportunity and the right circumstances. In my 20s I worked a job that was very much a once in a lifetime opportunity with people you might never see again.. I don’t know any married men that didn’t cheat given those circumstances

I don't hold with the idea that everyone has it in them to cheat which is often stated on here & I am sure your relationship is fine & your instincts correct.

However, all I would say is that these days access to the internet is all that is needed to start something so wfh makes no difference.
If you are at SAHM I hope you have future plans to gain more independence. Just in case.

Woolen bagpipe.

None of us know do we unless our dps are caught red-handed. My point, again, is I have friends who have been absolutely shocked by being cheated on, they didn't think their dp was like that, they are never apart etc etc.

Many people given the opportunity are like that unfortunately so none of should become complacent.

I am happily married and dh is a good man, but I cannot say hand on heart that he has not or would never cheat .
I would never vouch for any man tbh
In fact, I can’t even vouch for myself
Yes, it is naive to think that your dh would never cheat .
Men with the most beautiful, intelligent , sexually liberated wife still cheat

I don’t have plans to “gain more independence,” and neither does my husband. We both depend on each other for different things because we’re a team. Also, having me at home is what works best for our family, both immediate and wider. I have ADHD and it’s about all I can do to keep the house running; both our kids have ADHD and benefit from being taken care of by someone (me) who understands that so well; and my mother is the full-time caregiver for my father, who has Parkinson’s disease, and needs me to stay with him on occasion so she can get time for herself.

If it makes you less worried, I’m a licensed attorney, and I’m set to inherit several lots of highly covetable land when my parents die. (My parents get at least an offer a year for them even though none are on the market.) I should end up with around $1 million USD in liquid assets and a couple more million in property.

@YankSplaining What would your plan be if you ever found out he was cheating on you?

I’m quite intrigued by all these women saying by husband/partner would never cheat because he’s so socially awkward/doesn’t know how to flirt/lacks confidence around women etc etc. And yet, somehow you got together with him. That must make you the only woman in the entire world who has managed to capture your husband’s interest and desire. What an achievement.

This to me seems a) very naive (and somewhat arrogant) and b) makes you husband sound almost asexual as if he has no interest in flirting or thinking about any other women because he only has eyes for the sole woman in the world who rescued him from his social ineptitude. How lucky and reassuring for you.

What does not becoming complacent look like?

Sadly in your experience it would seem (or at least in your friends).

Many people given the opportunity are like that

how have you come to this conclusion? From mumsnet threads? Or are you surrounded by friends and family who have been cheated on?

Good question

Well, saying 'it would never happen to me' suggests complacency. We just don't know.

So what do you do in your marriage to avoid complacency?

I think you probably spend an inordinate amount of time on the mumsnet Relationships forum @Gloriia

Like most people I dont live in a cave. I have met a variety of people over the years via courses, workplaces, school runs, activities and yes long term friends. This is normal, yes?

No not all have been cheated on but a surprising amount have and it's always the ones you'd least expect. Anecdotally of course, I haven't undertaken a national audit or anything.

Wow…. Sounds like dozens of people in your life have shared with you that their partner cheated on them. No wonder you have this view

I didn't say dozens? I said a surprising number, it's right there in my post.

'So what do you do in your marriage to avoid complacency?'

If you don't know what it means just Google it. Sorry I thought everyone knew what it meant.

you listed people off courses; multiple friends; colleagues; school gate mums; people who have met on activities

If I had encountered this number of people confiding in me that they’ve been cheated on… I think I might too have your view @Gloriia . Totally understandable to be very keen on the importance of “not being complacent” (wherever that means in practise)

But what do you do in reality? Be alert to your husband going on more than usual? Smell perfume on him? Have sneaky looks at his phone?

You said 'Or are you surrounded by friends and family who have been cheated on?' so I said where I know people from. It's normal friendships over the years. Well normal for me you perhaps don't know many people.

'But what do you do in reality?'

I'm hardly going to describe my very happy marriage to you but if you do know what complacency means you'll have your own ideas on how to avoid it, or maybe try relationship counselling they'll give you some tips?

My marriage is also very happy, but I guess I am complacent about cheating, in that I can't remember the last time before this thread that I thought about the possibility DH would cheat on me. Is that a bad thing? If so, what should I do differently?

In my case, not at all. The opposite of complacency isn’t suspicion, it’s preparation!

I’m no longer complacent, but I don’t suspect DH or check up on him. I just know that there’s a small chance it might happen after my previous experience in my last marriage, so it won’t shock me so much. I’m financially prepared and I know if it did happen (God forbid) I’d be okay.