AIBU to think the "100% sure he’s never cheated" crowd are naive and delusional?

[IceCream233]

I’m looking for a bit of a reality check on relationship statistics.

I often see threads on here where 80% to 90% of posters insist they are absolutely, 100% certain their husband has never cheated.

Trust is great, obviously, but looking at actual statistics, it's just mathematically impossible for everyone to be right.

General studies on infidelity show that around 50% of married men will stray at some point. Plus, we all know that a massive chunk of people who cheat are just careful enough that they never get caught.

The math completely falls apart here. It means a huge portion of women who feel totally secure right now are actually being lied to, they just don't know it yet.

Are people just telling themselves "not my husband" as a coping mechanism to keep themselves happy? Is a bit of delusion just a basic requirement to survive a 20-year marriage?

AIBU for looking at the cold numbers instead of just relying on a gut feeling?

You asked how do I keep my marriage happy, how am I not complacent. I said obviously I'm not going to tell you about my relationship and if you want tips try relationship counselling?

I break the question down

You said that you are trying to save people from the devastation

How does not trusting someone completely save you from devastation

simple question based exactly on your post

I didn’t ask how you kept your marriage happy 🤢

We ALL know that though! OMG do you really think women who trust their husbands are completely stupid and brainless? Do you think a trusting woman is going to walk in on her husband banging his secretary and think "oh no! he must have slipped and fell on her - its totes not his fault" 🙄

Women who trust their husbands are fully aware that people cheat - we see it everywhere we look- in films, on TV, in people we know, online, on social media etc etc. We know it happens.

Knowing it "can" happen is not remotely going to cushion you from the devastation of it actually happening.

For example- you have seen people on TV who have lost their houses in a fire-it happened in LA not too long ago to a lot of people so you know it happens. Do you think that knowledge that it can and does happen is going to make you feel any less devastated if your house burns down?

Knowing it "can" happen is not remotely going to cushion you form the devastation of it actually happening.

YES!! This

So @Gloriia because you are “not complacent” - if you discovered your husband was cheating you would 🤷‍♀️ and say “yep, I always thought it was possible” and carry on doing whatever you were doing?

I explained it earlier in the thread. It doesn’t save you from being devastated, but the effect isn’t as severe as it would be if you had truly believed your DH would 100% never ever cheat.

”Shattered Assumption Theory” explains it well. If you accept that your husband may cheat (probably won’t but it’s a possibility) if it happens then that one area of your life is destroyed. But the other areas of your life remain intact. You’ve still got your parents and siblings, you can trust them. You’ve still got your job and your friends. They remain largely consistent.

When your world view has been shattered and you realise you were completely wrong about what you believed, every area of your life is suddenly unsafe. “I really strongly believed that he couldn’t lie, and I’d definitely be able to tell. I thought I could read him like a book and knew him better than he knows himself. But he’s been living a double life for years and I never spotted it. Now everyone in my life could be lying to me and I won’t know. I can’t tell if people are lying. I’m not safe”. The psychological impact of this is far worse than the infidelity itself.

That’s just one example. It destroys your whole life and all your relationships. But if you were already aware that it was possible, as much as you feel betrayed, devastated and grief, your core beliefs remain intact.

I don’t believe that not being complacent will protect you from infidelity, but I do think that it will hugely lessen the psychological impact if it does happen.

'not willing to divulge how she guards against complacency in her “very happy marriage'

You kind of did.

'I don’t believe that not being complacent will protect you from infidelity, but I do think that it will hugely lessen the psychological impact if it does happen'

Exactly. How many times do we see 'blindsided' 'never believe this could happen to me' on here?

Still no answer?

Guards against complacency… yes

what makes your marriage very happy? No thank you

i explained it earlier in the thread. It doesn’t save you from being devastated, but the effect isn’t as severe as it would be if you had truly believed your DH would 100% never ever cheat.

Possibly. But surely negligible. 30 years of marriage upended, trust decimated, sickening images and detail but lessened by fact you always thought it was possible? Doubt it

Well fingers crossed you’ll never have to find out. x

My marriage is happy because neither of us are complacent . Google it for tips on further info regarding how one does this.

which means you’d be “saved from devastation” if you find out that your happy marriage is all a facade as your husband has been having g an affair. Awesome stuff!

How would you know that one would feel more or less devastated had you “not been complacent” ?

Interesting discussion. I think for me, it wouldn’t be going through his phone etc or monitoring him. But not shutting it off in my mind that it could be a possibility. I trust him. 100%? No. I don’t even trust myself that much. But probably 97-98%.

For me, I think I get what some of the posters are saying about complacency. I have my own career and money and friends, I’d be okay if he cheated (obviously devastated, but not that level of dependence which would make an awful situation so much more stressful. I have pre school age children though and our relationship isn’t always exciting as a result 🤣 so maybe I need to make some more time to watch less Netflix and spend quality childfree time together

I’ll be candid, although I must admit you seem to be following me around threads and pulling everything I say to pieces so I am a bit wary. And it’s still quite triggering for me to discuss but I’ll do my best and just hope that you don’t use it as a stick to beat me with.

I believed 10000000% that my exDH wouldn’t cheat. So when he started an affair my amygdala was going haywire, and I didn’t know why. Add to that the years of gaslighting and lying and I really believed I was going mad. I developed generalised anxiety disorder. There were no obvious signs of an affair but I was still picking up subtle changes in his attitude towards me. I didn’t even countenance another woman because I KNEW he wouldn’t do that. He was the very last person who would cheat. He wasn’t the type, etc, etc.

After 4 years of hell, his OW contacted me and told me what had been going on.

If I had not held the belief that he was a saint, I would have recognised it sooner and booted him out. But I trusted him more than I trusted myself. It is a very dangerous belief. My instincts were spot on to the very day it started, but I was so convinced that I was correct in my belief that I wouldn’t see it until I was presented with proof.

I had three years of therapy to put myself back together and my relationships with my family have never recovered. I couldn’t trust anyone, and they initially took my ex’s side because they didn’t believe he’d do it either.

Following you around? Oh don’t be daft. I was on the other thread before you bowled in either your depressing views on “people” and society”!!

I'm so sorry you went through that. If you don't mind my asking, why did the OW tell you? Was she hoping he'd choose her?

The posters saying they do trust their partners 100% presumably haven’t had years of lying, gaslighting, “hell” and a generalised anxiety disorder.

I agree with your sentiment, the stats don’t quite add up!! However my view is that many women have high trust and judge others on their own values so yes, I think you are right that many ‘are away’ with it.

I was 100% sure my ex h had never and would never cheat, until I found out he'd been cheating for three years

I also had a boyfriend of two years, years ago. I was on a night out with my friends telling them how I know he would never cheat on me, only to look out of the pub window and see him kissing another girl in the street 😂

No, you are right, we havent.

Which explains why the trust is there surely? Its completely understandable that if you've been gaslit and abused then you wouldnt trust your partner and thats entirely sensible not to in that case.

But if someone gives you zero reason not to trust them then you would

I used to see couples break up because of cheating and think how I’m so lucky I never have to worry about that. I know him. I know him better than he knows himself. He was the man you’d want your daughter to bring home.
Anyway, he’d been cheating and getting away with it for 8 bloody years!
With my current partner I think he would never cheat, based off how I know him. But I also acknowledge that I don’t have the best track record of judgement, and with my logical head on I don’t think I’ll ever put it past anyone, but I’m glad my heart didn’t harden from what happened and I can still have that full trust in somebody.