Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

I suspect it's a generational thing - fragility and entitlement. Everything needs to be centred on them / to be nice.

No way should you be hosting visitors when you've so much else going on. Just text her and move on, and try to arrange some respite care at nights.

You are the adult, act like it.

There are two adults in this story.

Edit.

The more we infantilise people, I think the more they act like children. The niece is not without fault and a bit of reflection will do them good.

You'd make pleasant chat when you knew you'd inconvenienced your host and made them stay up until 1.30am when you knew they were already exhausted? You wouldn't a) not do it in the first place and b) say sorry as soon as the door opened?
When she text me at 11.30pm amd said I won't be home until 1am, what was I supposed to say? If I'd said, would you mind coming back now as I'm knackered, she'd have had a strop about having her night curtailed and still would have come back until after midnight.

Honestly I think its a bit more your fault, shes 20 absolutely no reason you would wait up for her, it seems like your not sleeping properly anyway due to burnout and you took out your frustration (in your tone) at her.

It seems she knew you were annoyed at her so she got very upset when you were again passive aggressive the next day.
I think maybe you think your hiding your attitude and feelings a bit better than you are, and shes probably quite sensitive to small shifts in people's demeanors....I think a call would be best, and sooner so as not to drag it out, your probably both very tired and emotionally drained

The crisis phase is over. I don't need respite care now. Plus, it's not really a host situation. She stays whenever she wants. Typically, we get on just fine, enjoy spending time together and there's no conflict between us. My home is her home and I've always said that to her.

She's 20, of course she wasn't going to be back at 11, though.

Couldn't you have left the door on the latch or a key hidden somewhere at that point?

Which wouldn't have mattered since you were up to 12.30 anyway.

I do think she should have said sorry, but she probably didn't understand how inconvenienced you were. She probably thought you would go to sleep and just get up to let her in and then back to bed. That's what I would have done had either of my young adult kids gone out without a key.

I agree.

Maybe you do need space right now.

Don't worry about this, it will blow over.

She's 20, of course she wasn't going to be back at 11, though.

Then she shouldn't have said she would be.

I've already admitted that I was curt in my attitude. I wouldn't normally be with her but the strain I'm under made me short tempered. I'm not saying I'm blameless. Being under duress is no excuse for being bad tempered but I didn't rant and rave at her. I literally said, I'm exhausted. I was in no mood for small talk at 1.30am and to avoid conflict, I said I'm exhausted and went to bed and left her to it. She came upstairs not long afterwards and I heard her mutter, night then, in a snarky tone before going in her room. I didn't reply.

Some really good points here so I'll add that at her age she probably doesn't know how to cope with you feeling like this. You probably also don't realise how hard you've been to live with.

Well yes, I could but unless I travel back in time, I can't do it now. I'm not leaving the door on the latch either though, past, present or future.

She probably said it in all good intentions.

And she let OP know she was going to be later.

The waiting up for a 20 yr old on the lash was ill-conceived from the get-go.

She's not living with me. She was staying for 3 nights. Up until this, everything was fine. There was no tension between us.

If your home is her home she should have a key, she should be able to come and go as she needs when she is staying. Also you said you were up until 12:30am with care responsibilities, so would've been up anyway. It's also very strange to have someone stay so regularly who you don't give a key to

No, you can't travel back in time.

But you can stop letting it create a wedge between you and someone you love who has been inconsiderate but is young and loves you too.

You staying up to 12.30 was out of her control as was you having to wake at 6. She’s inconvenienced you by 1 hour - hardly worth falling out over or declaring to her that you’re exhausted as if it’s her fault.

I think there’s more to the flouncing than just this incident.

Hope your life gets easier and you make up very soon and put it behind you.

Plus, it's not really a host situation. She stays whenever she wants.

Then why hasn't she got a key? it sounds like she just stays whenever she feels like it so why did you not give her a key and instead, insisted on waiting up for her? so weird

I feel like this issue is being exacerbated because you are treating her like a child when she is a fully grown adult.

Thank you to whoever said earlier that they too would be murderous with sleep deprivation. I've never been a good sleeper and have had lots of periods where I've survived on just a few hours sleep. This has nearly sent me under though. A combination of being older, extreme lack of sleep, physical and emotional strain (plus the bloody weather) has honestly sent me to the darkest place. How old does she have to be before she cuts me a bit of slack? She could clearly see how bad I was. It was discussed and she was empathetic.

I’m guessing that she has gone out with friends while staying with you in the past. Was she ever later than she thought she’d be? I suspect that she thought half an hour isn’t a big deal and that your level is tiredness is akin to her staying up until 2 but making it into school or work the next day sort of tiredness because she’s not experienced what you have.

You mention that you are “patient with her” Does she tend towards unreasonable/immature/annoying behaviour normally? Does this manifest as you overlooking stuff she normally says and does because her home life or other life circumstances aren’t great? You aren’t unreasonable not to have any patience when so sleep deprived but if your relationship norm involves you overlooking stuff then she’s not unreasonable to be thrown by a different dynamic from you. I’m not saying that you were unreasonable but she’s not totally wrong to be shocked that you weren’t your “usual self” We also weren’t there so can’t comment on your tone or body language.

You keep saying you are in a dark place and yet when people suggest talking to her and putting boundaries in place you have loads of excuses like "well I didnt invite her" etc This is your home. You arent without agency here.

You cant have it both ways. If you are struggling then bloody tell her she cant stay. Good grief.

You’ve asked which one of you was in the wrong, but you’re not listening to anyone who tells you it was you. So you obviously think you’re right and that’s that.

Your exhaustion and lack of ability to say no is not your nieces responsibility or fault. If you weren’t so exhausted you wouldn’t have reacted in the way you did, to what is a very minor thing. It’s incredibly hurtful when your loved one takes their issues out on you and thinks it’s absolutely fine because they’re struggling so you should just have to suck it up.

You’re the experienced adult in this situation, you should have been able to have a calm conversation in the morning.

Your sister is also in the wrong for not helping with your relative. Why isn’t she helping? Is this a permanent arrangement, or will relative be going home?

What was the day trip planned?