Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

But now it has, why havent you told her how upset you are?

You keep saying you hide it- why??

The reason it didn't work this time was because you were (understandably!) really tired. Which made you pissed off and that on top of not thinking allot giving her a key led to you being snappy with her, twice

Maybe that was in her head, I don't know. Possibly. She has friends local to me, so she's stayed here many times and gone out to see friends before.

OP I mean this kindly but you’re going through a super stressful time at the moment so should be declining/postponing visitors. I know you love your niece and we’re happy to see her but you need to be kind to yourself and make your life easier in order to survive this time. 💐

I think you were both unreasonable. She should have overlooked your grumpiness because she knows what normal you is like and you should have given her your house keys so that you could have gone to bed earlier. I know it’s easy for me to say that because I have the luxury of sleeping uninterrupted every night. I think you’re both unreasonable not to apologise to each other. You clearly love each other and want things back to the way things were.

Quite.

She’s 20 not 12.

Life might be a disappointment if the tears and flounces happen every time she has been inconsiderate/can’t see that she may also be at fault.

Sure. I wouldn't have snapped though if she'd come back at the time she said/hadn't been snarky/hadn't flounced off crying/hadn't said she was leaving.

I keep saying I hide what?

You were short with her when you did she got in, cheerfully, after being out though. The day before she "flounced off". When she texted and said she was coming back at 1.30, did you say "no sorry I need to go to bed", or did you say it was OK? I can sort of see why she was taken aback by you being cold twice

That said, I do feel for you, and I hope things get easier soon. No one is perfect, and I don't think it's worth falling out with your niece, who you obviously really love, over it.

I think you’ve never been as tired as the OP currently is.

When you reach the state where you could cry out of exhaustion, I can tell you, NO ONE is in the right state to have a calm conversation exp,ai ing the ins and outs and smoothing over things because a 20yo can’t cope with a ‘no I’m tired’ answer.
She wasn’t to,d off. She wasn’t shouted at. She was just told ‘I’m tired’.

I suspect the niece didn’t take to remark well because she understood (even though it was never said) ‘It’s your fault. I hardly slept last night, had to get up early all because you came home Kate’.
Thats her interpretation though. Not what the OP said. Nor what the OP meant.

Agree with this but the OP says “deranged with exhaustion” which is surely rather OTT.
Perhaps the action of the niece was a last straw,

So do it

Does she have a job?

Oh how dare someone be cold twice!!! <huge sarcasm>

Come on. She was staying at the OP. She asked for a favour - the OP staying up.
She then went on her words TWICE. And somehow she shouldn’t have expected the OP to be annoyed?
I don’t know, in my world, she should have profusely apologised first and foremost. Not waltzed in smiling.

As for the morning after, again as a 20yo,nshe is an adult and should be able to cope with someone saying ‘No im not well. I’m tired’. ESPECIALLY as she knows and will have the witness of the caring responsibilities the OP has (because said caring happens her in her house…). Not bursting into tears and then avoiding the OP.

Yeah unfortunately this. Passive aggressiveness always escalates things.

Why didn’t she take a key? Did she ask for one and you declined, or did she not ask? Expecting anyone to leave keys under mats etc. is just not on - it’s the first place burglars look.

I had endless trouble with a dd invariably forgetting to take a key - it’s maddening! She had to learn the hard way - coming home unexpectedly mid afternoon, expecting me to be in, desperate for a poo…..

I mean sure, I probably haven't been that tired, but it's on OP then to say no, I don't want to have visitors right now. No, I don't want to get up early to go on an outing with you. No, I don't want to wait up for you. No, you can't come home that late. The whole issue is that OP keeps saying yes to everything and then gets pissed off when the niece does the things she has said she is fine with.

You get along with your niece, but she doesn’t seem to understand the stress you’re under or do anything to alleviate any of it. Does she cook your breakfast dinner clear up do the washing if she doesn’t do any of that I won’t bother having herto stay. you’ve got too much on.

So basically she acted like an irresponsible 20y old.
You are deranged with exhaustion and close to a mental breakdown yet thought it would be a good time to host family and are now being pissy that things have gone wrong. A 20y old cannot comprehend nor are they responsible for your level of exhaustion so it was up to you to admit this wasnt a good time. You cant assume everything will go well because it has on previous visits.
Tbh youve both acted poorly, however id say you are both embarrassed and should just get over it.

I don't think either of you is the AH exactly, but why on earth did you say you'd wait up for your 20 year old niece? I can get doing this for an older teen like 16/17, but your niece has been an adult for 2 whole years! Just give her a key and get to bed. I find it hard to call you an AH because you obviously weren't trying to make her miserable, but it's fine for a 20 year old to come in when she wants with her own key, it was your choice to design a situation where you had to stay up!

You literally asked: “Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?”

No! You apparently sounded pissy with her but you haven’t actually expressed in a face to face conversation with her why you are upset with her. That’s why. Instead of being arsey with her via your tone why don’t you explain to her like you’ve explained to us exactly why you are upset?

You are an adult, she is an adult- why don’t you have an adult conversation with her express your honest feelings about what happened? This all sounds very juvenile- you being arsey and her flouncing out but neither of you have actually talked like grown ups

She can be cold twice if she wants. But if you do that, people might be upset and feel unwelcome and leave.

I don't know where you got the idea that the niece asked OP to stay up for her? I think OP has repeatedly accepted that she should have just given her a key. Also OP didn't say she told her it wasn't OK to stay out later than planned or that it would mean she was staying up. I really feel for the OP but it's not normal to be "deranged with fatigue" and to get 4 hours sleep then snap at a guest about it. I would also have left (having tried twice to make pleasant chat) and let her calm down.

@Whyohwhy1974 I think you are under too much pressure to look at things clearly. You wouldn't have reacted so strongly towards your niece if you hadn't been under so much strain.

Good points.

Except the niece didn’t say they were planning to go out on the lash. For all OP knew, it may have been a bit of welcome company and a bit of support.

The niece also came home hours later than she said she would, despite knowing that OP was likely waiting up - as discussed. If she knew she was going to be late or there was a chance of it? Say so.

Being 20 doesn’t automatically make you inconsiderate enough not to tell your host why you really want to stay nor unable to tell the time or ask for a key.

I would wager the tears were a ploy to make the OP feel guilty for having the cheek to be even more tired partly because of niece’s behaviour.

They know the score. Just as OP has the right to say no, niece should have the grace not to foist herself on a struggling relative just because it is more convenient for their social life.

@Whyohwhy1974: She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.

But reading your later comments, she was only going home to her parents as she was only staying with you for a couple of days.

You were not being unreasoable at all, but it sounds like her reaction, while childish, was not so OTT if she was only staying with you for a day or two anyway.

I think you both need a few days apart and then you as the older adult reach out to break the ice. You don't need to apologise because you did nothing wrong but you both need to move on. But for goodness sake get her a key cut for next time.

I don't think either of you were particularly wrong. 20 year old in a night or get carried away leading to selfish behaviour but also a 20 year old is not going to know how to deal with their auntie being in crisis. Give yourself and her a break and make the first move towards reconciliation