Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

No, I said before that she has a family home and her own accommodation. It's out of character gor her to behave like that with me. Nothing happened on her night out.

rather than deciding who is right/wrong - what is the outcome you’d like?

is it to get an apology and move on? Is it to have help with your caring responsibilities?

personally I have always found sleep deprivation has made me murderous. I would have reacted terribly to the flounce in the morning.

but now come time has passed is it worth messaging to say that you’re exhausted and you’d like to move on?

It would have been better to cancel the trip and try to rest up throughout the day as much as possible.

Good advice. I will.

How on earth do you know nothing happened on her night out? You’ve not had a civil conversation since she returned

and you say she’s not usually like this… with you. So she usually erupts and stomps with the person/l she usually lives with?

Whether it’s due to stress, immaturity, generational differences or what it may be, it does feel like younger people are a lot less able to handle momentary stress/fallout/a minor spat.

I can’t decide if that’s good because it means they didn’t grow up with it so it hasn’t been normalised, or bad because everyone has a bit of tension every now and then and it’s not the end of the world.

I know, I know. That is exactly how she feels. How can one bit of grumpiness and disagreement erase years of support and care though? How can she spiral to such a degree that she thinks because I snapped at her that it means I don't love her for goodness sake. I snapped because of her selfish actions (coupled with my current situation). It's called consequences.

Quite.

I think because you did it when she came home and then again the same thing when she tried to speak to you the day after. I would have left too because you were not open to talk about it and I would have much rather been at home than staying in someones home who was clearly pissed off with me.

I agree.

She will be well aware of the caring responsibilities and if she has eyes, she’ll know OP is knackered.

If she can’t ask for a key or come home when she said, then she’s a bloody inconsiderate houseguest.

The flounce is all on her and I would be waiting for an apology when OP has been gracious enough to open their home to her. Especially when she didn’t even bother to tell OP she was using their home as a pit stop and not as a pleasant (or supportive) visit.

She is old enough to go out partying? Then she is old enough to know better than to inconvenience a host and a host who is likely terribly tired. And old enough to say sorry.

Enjoy the peace meantime OP. If she apologises, work out a better solution for next time with no hard feelings.

To anyone who says why were you waiting up - if you're anything like me, you don't actually get much sleep before you hear them come in and know they're safely home, whether you're lying in bed or sitting on the sofa! You aren't her parent but as she is staying with you, you're bound to feel some sort of responsibility for checking she is home safely. I also know from experience that lack of sleep can shred your nerves like nothing else - I hope that improves for you.

Ok you say I already am burnt out. I've been screaming for help but no one is listening. I told her mum that I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. No one gives a shit. They're not close to death, just critically ill.

Then why are you inviting people to stay with you and waiting up for them to come in? I get you are at the end of your tether so stop the house guests until you are feeling better OR give them a key and dont wait up for them. This person is a grown adult, she is responsible for getting herself home after a night out. If you cant help but stay up then dont have people staying. I am sorry but this is on you- you need to put in boundaries if you cant cope with it all

Well, if you will never say that she can't stay even if you are exhausted, then things like this are inevitable.

I would never allow anyone to visit if I was exhausted. I will always put myself first.

She's tried to chat to you twice though and you were dismissive and obviously pissed off both times, so she's not going to be aware that the third time will be the charm. I agree with PP, tell her you were exhausted, she was late and in hindsight should have taken a key, but you love each other and don't want to fall out

Exactly. I am getting a bit fed up of this "I cant say no" stuff- fine, then dont say no but then you dont have the right to complain its affecting your mental and physical health 🤷‍♀️

This has been said many times on the thread.

We all get it.

Why keep going on and on at someone who has already answered this question, someone who is nursing a critically ill person and is tired and worn out.

Because it's not really about you and your love for her it's about her total lack of self esteem and feeling unlovable.

If you can turn this around quickly to show her that it is possible to have a little spat and still be loved, that your love is unconditional, that she is loveable then she can start to learn resilience and build her self esteem. If you only surface patch it she will walk on eggshells every time she sees you, waiting for you to reject her again or maybe preempt it by pushing you away.

I didn't invite her to say. She asked. She stays on and off with me and has done for years.

But presumably she stays with your consent? she obviously doesnt have a key so why not tell her you need some space at the moment, are super stressed and its not convenient?

That IS saying no

It's not that I can't say no. Of course I can but she's very special to me and I've always been there for her. It's never been an issue before. We usually rub along just fine.

I just think it's all got out of hand and worth just letting go.

I mean, it was never going to work, her going out and being back by 11 - she's 20 and out with mates.

Silly of her to say she would be, and silly of you to wait up when you're on your knees with stress & exhaustion.

Then you should have said ‘no, I am
really stressed at the moment.’

Did she stay with you to make it easier logistically for her to go out on the lash?

Someone can still be very special to you and not stay at your home. Its not an indicator of love

Because it's not really about you and your love for her it's about her total lack of self esteem and feeling unlovable.

I missed that about her.

I thought it was about her being young & thoughtless.

Because I didn't have a crystal ball and had no way of knowing this situation would arise.