Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

Why not? This way if she decides to stay out later or you decide you want to go to bed earlier, which you might if you're badly sleep deprived, it's no problem.

Hmm having read all your posts it does rather sound like your niece might be taking advantage of your hospitality a little. Is she staying over because your house is handy for nights out in a city compared to her actual home? And you have caring responsibilities that include doing caring activities at all hours of the day and night? Elderly parents? Or a disabled spouse or child? No matter. It might be worth a chat with your sibling who is her parent to smooth things over. I doubt things are irreparable but she likely has no idea how exhausting your life is and is not helping with coming back to your house at all hours. Also her own key would be handy if she's regularly stopping over.

Because as I put if I was usually still up there is no need.

If she thought she might be out later then I think she should have said & asked for a key.

I think if you're staying with someone it's generally good manners to stick to doing what you said you would.

There are things here that are outside of your niece's control. The fact that you had already stayed up for 48 hours but still offered to stay up and wait for her to come home wasn't here fault. Also, that you had to do your caring job until 12.30am that night is not her fault. Yes, she came home later than she thought she would and that is annoying, but most of the tiredness is caused by things that she had nothing to do with.

So actually none of your tiredness is down to her?

Outside of Mumsnet I have never heard of people going out for the night without their door keys.

This was a guest
so not her door key

You're knackered, she has overreacted. I don't think you were being unreasonable but this probably needs to be the impetus to cry as loudly as you can for help with your caring responsibilities.

That might be to your sibling if it's your parents, or even if it's not it might be to them to help you try and get support from the council, it might be the council, or if it's a young baby it might be someone else. Sometimes something has to happen to highlight that all our reserves have been consumed and we need to change how life is. To be clear, this would have pissed me right off as well and I don't have significant caring responsibilities, but it also sounds like you're exhausted and totally maxed out. No one shouldn't be sleeping for 48 hours.

I understand you are tired but you are an adult and you need to prioritise your sleep.

If you don’t prioritise your sleep and cop on to yourself, you won’t be able to care for anyone.

There's no "need" to stay up if she has a key. She's 20 and on a night out, of course it's likely she might want to stay out longer than originally planned.

I don't know, given the two choices I really don't understand why you wouldn't go with the one that lets everyone do whatever they want without impacting on the other person. Needing to be home or stay up is so restrictive and unnecessary, and when OP is stressed, sleep deprived and all over with caring duties, I can't understand why she wouldn't just give niece a key so she can come and go without restricting OP or being restricted herself. Makes no sense.

Rather than ruminate over who is right and who is wrong, I would just be upfront with her and say sorry we've fallen out, I'm exhausted, neither of us meant to upset the other and can we forget about it and move on

There's no "need" to stay up if she has a key. She's 20 and on a night out, of course it's likely she might want to stay out longer than originally planned.

Then she should have made sure that she took a key.

I've been trying to prioritise my sleep but the last few weeks have been literal life and death and caring responsibilities through the night. There's literally only me, so there's been no one else to help carry the load. I did sleep last night though and feel somewhat better for it.

Exactly. So I've asked OP why she didn't.

It’s not clear to me why:
You didn’t give her a key when she was staying
you agreed to wait up to 11
you didn’t hide a key when you realised she was going to be late
you got up at 6am
So yes the correct response was “sorry” but really I don’t understand why you waited up for a 20 year old

Could your niece help? That’s not sustainable and you know that.

I don't think you need houseguests at the moment. Unclear why she came to stay with you for a few days only and then went on a night out? That's a bit strange

There is a lot missing, if you are caring for someone who is close to death could your niece be upset about this? What is actually going on?

Can anyone here help you? You are going to get burned out you need help.

No and I never said it was but she knew I was struggling and coming back 2 hours later than she said made me want to sob. So instead of having a go at her when she came through the door all smiles and hellos, I said I was exhausted and went to bed. My tone made it clear I was pissed off but she had a nuclear meltdown because I wasn't all, hi, did you have a nice time, don't worry about being late, it's fine.

Why didn't she take a key? I think this is important.

You say this is out of character for her

Does it occur to you that something happened on her night out that has upset her?

How would you be all chirpy if you are caring for someone who has nearly died?

you need a counsellor and someone to come and give you daily respite, not a teenage houseguest.

How did you end up in this situation?

It’s not clear to me why:
......you didn’t hide a key when you realised she was going to be late

Not everyone has somewhere they can easily hide a key. Some people's front doors open directly onto the pavement, for example.

I never understand why grown adults don't just take a key.

Just take a key.

I already am burnt out. I've been screaming for help but no one is listening. I told her mum that I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. No one gives a shit. They're not close to death, just critically ill.