Boyfriend.. entitlement behaviours.

[ShudderIck]

AIBU?? To be irked that the guy I'm seeing helps himself to stuff in my house.

It started with things like teabags, or he'll just take an apple from the fruit bowl and start eating it. I have started commenting saying "oh don't mind that was for my kids, you just help yourself!!"
I don't mean making a cup of tea, I mean stuffing a handful of teabags into his pocket whilst declaring he needs to get himself some more peppermint tea. In a rheotorical "it's alright for me to take these, isn't it" kind of way.
Lately he has used something from my first aid cupboard, but to excess and as a result theres now not the supply of it that I'd normally keep. He wasn't freshly injured, he had a mild ailment that he has used this ointment on..but poured it excessively and without consideration that it costs me hard-earned money. I'm trying not to be too outing, but it is something that's now hard to get hold of and going for £20 a bottle online.

I am feeling a bit taken for granted, in many aspects of my life.... and it's something I'm working on in therapy.

But I am really struggling with whether I am being dramatic to be pissed off with this behaviour?
I was very much brought up with the manners that you don't help yourself to things in people's homes. Even with my best friend of a decade, I wouldn't just start eating her food without asking first or waiting to be offered.

But yet boyfriend just takes and takes without consideration.
I can't do the same at his, I wouldn't anyway, but his place is such a bachelor pad that he doesn't have things I could use to excess/take anyway.

My fear is that I'm dating a cocklodger, but I'm worried I'm being OTT.

So..would this annoy you?

Has he ever been generous, OP?

The apple, I thought, was pretty forgivable but shoving tea bags into his pockets to take home is jaw dropping. I think that and the ointment incidents are forgivable if it's a reflection of his attitude to his own stuff too and he's just as generous in giving you stuff as he is with taking it. But even if that's the case, forgivable isn't the same as something you ought to put up with even if you don't like it.

If he isn't also generous, I think you need to dump him fast. Because there is nothing about a partner who is all take that screams "he's a keeper". It's a red flag.

Would I be right in assuming he normally comes to yours, does no housework, brings nothing with him, and doesn't host you at his or take you out to reciprocate?

And the fact that you have spoken to him about it, he has said he will replace and then is making excuses not to. Disrespectful. Dump him.

It’s bc of some (most) men’s strong association with their mums. They could help themselves. They didn’t care how the cupboards magically restocked themselves. Or depressingly just a lack of respect compared with their ‘bros’ who they regard as more equal. They also know their male friends wouldn’t stand for it, and neither would they!

👆👆 This
Use your voice and confront him the next time he tries freeloading. Also, consider your options, why are you in a relationship, do you really need this person in your life?

I think if he replaced the ointment he would used it again because he payed for it. The same with any replacement.
I would get rid, its not going to get better.

He's a grifter. People who are so dismissive on here "oh, but it's only a bit of ....." Imagine living with a selfish gut like that, going to the cupboard / fridge and finding they've used the last of the cereal, milk, bread etc and somehow think it will magically be replenished by the fairies.

OP ditch the grifter, he will only get worse, or you'll have to read the riot act and be the bad person all the time. Why should you?!!

This would give me the ick.

This is how he's behaving in the relatively early stages when he should be trying to impress you.

I think you should break up with him

Are you another piss taker? Complaining about someone stuffing their pockets with teabags doesn’t make you right.

Wow, I would not have done that ever, not even as a student going home for the weekend - it’s really rude!

Go to his place and take loads of his stuff. See how he reacts to that.

Honestly...reading this, it sounds like he's given you the 'ick' which is valid. Fast forward this relationship (if it continues) to a year or two down the line and he wants to move in together: it's obvious he's going to be one of those selfish partners who drives you to distraction by eating all the kids' lunch box items and you only discover it when you go to pack them or the ointment stalemate will still be ongoing. It would make me angry and stressed, plus if you had moved in together it would then also be seen as his home too, so he'd feel more entitled to do it.

If he's already winding you up and is this inconsiderate and thoughtless then I think the relationship has run its course. You don't need a 'man teenager' to parent. (Which is what it feels like!)

Sneakily using something precious to the point it's all gone is really grim. Given how difficult it is to replace, it would give me the ick. I would try and get him to replace it before breaking up with him tho, as once you've broken up, there's no chance

He can rrplace the ointment & tea bags.
If he hangs around taking or for meals he can contribute.
I would be pissed.
Tell him to put the tea bags back and dont be letting thr oh its ok go...No it is not.
I used to buy xheaper teabags when someone came and drunk my $5 nz box of 50 teabags...dont touch my one item thats only bought for me!.

Trust your gut and end it.
Stuffing teabags into his pocket??! Er no thank you.

When I was in my 20s I lived in a flat share with a man who was like this. Some sort of subconscious expectation that women were organised and responsible for domestic stuff so he’d help himself to my stuff a lot as he didn’t have it and wasn’t organised enough to sort himself out. It wasn’t even so much money for him as he would say he’d pay for stuff if I went to the shop. Just incompetence and an expectation of being mothered.

He went to stay at his sister’s for a week. Before he left I asked what he was taking as a gift for hosting him. He said no need as she always had loads of everything. Interesting.

I couldn't get worked up about someone eating from the fruit bowl. As far as im concerned thats why it sits on the table for all to reach.

It sounds like his behaviour in general annoys you though. Just leave him. If you feel like he's acting like a cocklodger he probably is.

What's it like when you go to his house? Is he particularly generous?

Not that that matters really as he has already given me the ick, as the teens say 😀

Ditch the freeloading skip rat.

They could literally restart this business and charge £100 a tube and people would pay it.

YANBU, OP - the dynamic here is an unhealthy parent-child. He sounds like a little boy who wants a mummy, and you need a man who wants a woman. I think you can do better 💖

Time to say goodbye. He wont change.

And in my humble opinion, this is exactly as it should be. The normal give and take of a relationship with the respect of each others things and the care to notice their needs.
OP's partner could have been cut some slack if he had been a bit unconsciously enthusiastic with the ointment, hadn't realised it wasn't cheap bog standard savlon or whatever, and sourced and replaced as soon as it was pointed out to him. He didn't and hasn't. Tells you everything.

This would be a red flag for me. It's the lack of respect and the selfishness behind it that would concern me.

He sounds really immature and lacking in manners. Not long term BF material and as you have children, not worth investing in further.