Boyfriend.. entitlement behaviours.

[ShudderIck]

AIBU?? To be irked that the guy I'm seeing helps himself to stuff in my house.

It started with things like teabags, or he'll just take an apple from the fruit bowl and start eating it. I have started commenting saying "oh don't mind that was for my kids, you just help yourself!!"
I don't mean making a cup of tea, I mean stuffing a handful of teabags into his pocket whilst declaring he needs to get himself some more peppermint tea. In a rheotorical "it's alright for me to take these, isn't it" kind of way.
Lately he has used something from my first aid cupboard, but to excess and as a result theres now not the supply of it that I'd normally keep. He wasn't freshly injured, he had a mild ailment that he has used this ointment on..but poured it excessively and without consideration that it costs me hard-earned money. I'm trying not to be too outing, but it is something that's now hard to get hold of and going for £20 a bottle online.

I am feeling a bit taken for granted, in many aspects of my life.... and it's something I'm working on in therapy.

But I am really struggling with whether I am being dramatic to be pissed off with this behaviour?
I was very much brought up with the manners that you don't help yourself to things in people's homes. Even with my best friend of a decade, I wouldn't just start eating her food without asking first or waiting to be offered.

But yet boyfriend just takes and takes without consideration.
I can't do the same at his, I wouldn't anyway, but his place is such a bachelor pad that he doesn't have things I could use to excess/take anyway.

My fear is that I'm dating a cocklodger, but I'm worried I'm being OTT.

So..would this annoy you?

this guy is an arse, get rid, he won't change and you don't need this stress in your life. bin him.

Ditch the freeloader! Stealing a handful of teabags is the sort of thing you'd expect from students, not a grown man who presumably has a job and can afford to buy his own. You've brought to his attention that you don't like him helping himself, yet he still does it 🚩

Laughed out loud at this.
Would any of us put up with this behaviour from a friend or family member ? Politeness dictates we ask if it's ok to use or eat anything in someone else's home.

We certainly wouldn't expect someone to help themselves and stuff tea bags in their pockets to save them from buying their own.

So because he brings his prize dick round he's entitled to help himself to anything?

This man is a user who's taking the piss.

I hate people like this. They rely on you feeling too awkward to mention it as its 'just a few teabags, or just a bit of ointment'. Be awkward. Ask him why he feels entitled to help himself to your stuff and not offer to replace.

My ex was like this. Would add items onto my shopping at the till, take my cigarettes (long time ago), or ask for lifts and not offer money for fuel. He helped me in the end as I'm now happy to argue with entitled people over pennies if I feel they're taking the piss. Make him feel uncomfortable. Once you get used to the awkwardness its fun to watch them tantrum when they realise they're not getting away with it.

I dumped someone like this. Casually dating but we kind of fell into a pattern where he would come after work on Friday and stay until Sunday night. I was feeding him three evening meals, two breakfasts and two lunches, plus he was using utilities. Eg: he only had a shower at his and he liked a good hot soak in the bath when he was here.

Then he started putting in requests for stuff - can you get some steaks for Saturday night and some beers when you do your shopping.

I did bring up perhaps he could contribute towards the food etc., but he said I was a gold digger and it didn't sit right with him charging guests who come into your home. That was the red flag moment that made me realise I was being a mug!

I'm trying not to be too outing, but it is something that's now hard to get hold of and going for £20 a bottle online.

How is naming the ointment outing?

Dump him. He's stealing from you repeatedly. What sort of man openly stuffs handfuls of teabags into his pocket, saying he really should buy some for himself, but steals them from his single mother girlfriend instead? To top it all off, he refuses to replace the things he's taken/used.

He sounds like an entitled child at home OP.
Doesn't bode well.

Nailed it

Why should the OP even be put in the position to have to constantly monitor his behaviour, check what he's stuffing in his pockets, get wound up by his selfishness. It all takes time and effort, this man is creating hassle when the OP is after a simple life. When someone adds no value they haven't earned their place at the table, so it's time to tell him to FO.

I agree. Every action requires a boundary, consequence and deadline. Can you replace x by 6pm/before you leave / only come over if you have brought x with you.

But it is tedious to have to manage a grown arsed adult this way. It takes from the finite headspace, energy and time you have for yourself and your DCs.

You know in your gut this is wrong and I suspect there are or will be other instances of a not equal and respectful relationship.

I would use him for some person growth tho - have a practice setting an expectation, consequence and boundary. And once I was proficient I would dump him if he required regular monitoring / management.

I think you have already answered your own question here - just get rid !

I would send one last message and ask for the money today and say it has to be today and that if he doesnt then he doesnt respect you and you will have no choice but to end it...then you will see where you stand as he has no intention of paying you, my ex would eat my bananas but always turned up with a load of bananas,

I wouldn’t have minded the apple or using the ointment but not the taking handfuls of tea bags?! That part was weird! How did he use up an entire tube of ointment?

I haven’t read the full thread op but he shouldn’t be taking stuff from the home of a single mum and not replacing it, no.

I was brought up to believe you ask before helping yourself in other peoples houses. Even on the few occasions I visited my parents after I left home I would always ask before taking something from the fridge or making a cup of tea.

OP, yes you are with another mean arsehole.
They often target single parents because they tend to be set up comfortably.

This is not someone who gives a shit about you or your children.

He is stealing from you taking that ointment "sneakily".
He doesn't have your permission.

This is not someone to have around your children.
Get the money for it and dump his ass.

I shared a flat with three people and one guy used to leave a single teaspoon by the sink. It takes seconds to rinse it.

I kicked up a massive fuss about entitlement. I said it stank of him assuming that someone else was always going to clean up his mess. He argued it was only a teaspoon and I said in that case why was it so hard for him to clean it.

I clamped down immediately and hard because within weeks it would have been leaving all his washing up for the next person to do.

You have to nip it in the bud immediately or you get taken for granted.

I have a certain type of tea bag just for my boyfriend who doesn’t live with me. Sometimes I’ll replace the box if I’m at the shop or sometimes he’ll bring a new box round when he knows it’s nearly running out. He’d never take some from mine if he was running out at home.

It’s fine for him to use things when he’s at your house that aren’t in short supply to a reasonable level but otherwise he’s taking advantage.

Who on earth takes handfuls of other people's tea bags?! That's mad!! Unbelievably rude. I'd be gobsmacked if a total stranger did this let alone my boyfriend!!!

Some people's relationships are so tragic. Imagine being such a tight arse, selfish individual that you would constantly help yourself to whatever you fancied at someone else's house without asking. Not only that, but to take in excess, not caring you're leaving that person (and their kids) without. Not to mention using all of a discontinued product, now difficult to source, and as a result, ridiculously expensive...to only make excuses about replacing it. If you want to be a doormat and accept this kind of behaviour, crack on. Either that, or you're a scatty freeloader yourself. Yes, imagine those type of relationships! Poor you.

you can’t ask that, it’s outing 😆

I checked out after the teabags being stuffed into pockets. This is wild. End it

Stop inviting him round! If he is the sort to invite himself when he turns up don’t open the door to let him in, step out ! Maybe go to his house and take some of his stuff! Oh you’ve taken all of my teabags - it’s okay if I take some of yours right?

this would piss me off and I would feel very used I think

He’s certainly training you up. He knows you don’t want him to do it but does anyway, and it’s likely the thin end of the wedge.

If you’ve not done the Freedom Programme, look at it online. If you’ve have look again!