AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

I’m so sorry how appalling you and your brothers were treated. I’m disgusted on your behalf and I hope you and your siblings have a close relationship.

I really feel for you OP, even with the update it’s shoddy behaviour.

Perhaps take your mum away for a pamper night away the day of their wedding. Do something you will all enjoy.

I hope you have a lovely wedding ❤

I'm giving your cousin's marriage a year! Her future wife sounds very unpleasant. As for you, OP, I wish you every happiness in your marriage, and the arrival of baby no 2, a year after a wonderful happy wedding.

It's not maturity, it's not having the balls to do anything when she's disrespected.

She daren't even ask her cousin what's going on, FFS!

I agree! She has no right to give OP grief for this. If she had her way, apparently OP would have to either get married in the bad-weather seasons or wait another year! 🤣🤣🤣

A month is fine. A week or ten days, I could understand a little more. But not really, because a wedding is meant to be about the couple and celebrating their love and new commitment! It's not a competition about whose day is best or who looked nicest!

I can't quite grasp why you haven't been invited to your cousin's hen party? Surely there aren't space restrictions there too? I understand the impulse behind those advising you to rescind your invitation and I think the poster who asked you to think how would your dad, if he were here, feel about the callous behaviour of your cousin made very good, kind observations.

I agree with your instinct not to disinvite them, though, even if the relationship is now tainted. You sound like a gentle and decent person and that kind of response (not extending an invitation) can feel good in the moment but tarnish over time. Let them come but dont give them much of your time or consideration going forward.

Absolutely this!!!

I disagree with this. There is a time for holding head high and there is a time to cut your losses and run. There is no way in this earth I’d let those selfish people come to my wedding. I almost don’t believe it because it’s so rude, except I do.

op, this is no time for rising above it. Take steps to show how much you respect yourself.

It is horrendous that she hasn’t invited you but it is unforgivable that she has not invited your mother. For that reason you need to not invite her. If it was me I would never bother with her again but you sound a very kind person. Do what you feel is best.

OMG the update from her brother is outrageous. Their behaviour towards you and your mother is dismissive and disrespectful. Even more, it is so disrespectful to your Dad's memory and so hurtful. I cannot believe that your Dad's siblings will be happy with the callousness of her reasoning. Your Mum deserves better than to be treated as dispensable, someone who can be slotted in if someone else drops out. Her partner may be the driving force but where is her backbone and why has she not insisted your family bring included from the start.

This is what I can't understand.
If your cousin's parents and siblings all know, why on earth aren't they telling her how unreasonable it is ?

I don't agree with the posters who have said you should always invite people who invited you. People have different sized families, different numbers of friends, are happy with smaller weddings, have different budgets etc., but to invite ALL cousins except you and all Aunts / Uncles except your Mum is outrageous when this is a cousin you see regularly and get on with.

I don't understand why the rest of the family aren't pointing this out to her.

People can be weak cowards.

Please do not invite them to uour wedding. See how they like that. Whats good for you is good for them.

Are you sure it’s not because your weddings are close together she doesn’t want to share any details /activities/dresses /hen night incase you do similar as some woman are bridezillers ? Maybe she presumes you know your invited , does she think you will compare her wedding to yours , do you have a bigger budget , she sounds a bit strange tbh !

I think Id probably ask them directly tbh. Not a fun activity obviously but Id feel very uncomfortable having them at mine and not being invited to theirs. Its odd that they are apparently unaware of the unfairness of the situation and how you'll be feeling.

That’s a good point. In the family you describe where they are close I wouldn’t go if my sil had been left out. I’d decline my seat publicly.

Why would invites go out 1 year before.. isn't it far too early, so far too early also to assume you aren't invited? If you aren't invited then the only
thing is to simply ask her if there is any reason.

I disagree. I would certainly have the balls and ask etc....because I care too much and would want to know and would be hurt...but the bigger/more mature person would be wise enough to rise above it all and not let it affect them because they know deep down that their treatment says more about the cousin's shortcomings than anything to do with themselves personally.

"Ill mannered" is very restrained...she's an arse!

😂(love your directness!)

You're coming across as weak. It's not mature or reasonable or anything positive to be a doormat.

It's fine if you prefer to continue to be timid, but don't make the mistake of equating that with any kind of moral high ground. And do know that the excuses you're making to try to justify your lack of courage are just that - excuses.

Obviously you can't possibly accept the begrudging and disrespectful evening invite, and it's a shame you won't stick up for your own mum by simply walking away from people who are treating her so badly.

It's mature, sensible and reasonable to remove rude people from your life.

You're choosing to hide behind the pretence of being the bigger person, when in reality simply removing people who disrespect your mother from your wedding and social sphere is uncontroversial and completely justified and normal.

As you're too frightened to even ask a question, you can look forward to a lifetime of such treatment by multifarious CFs.

Hope your wedding goes well anyway and it's a good day despite your cousin's calculated rudeness.

Rising above should not require a person to spend 80 quid per head on people who don't value you or to invite negativity in on a day that should be special to you.

It is perfectly possible for Op to not let the actions of her cousin bother her AND not invite her to her wedding.

Agree. It's actually the only reasonable, mature course to simply leave these people behind. It's not as though they'll care, and it's just not controversial to move on from people who disrespect you and your mum.

Imagine choosing to be forced to be welcoming to people who openly disrespect your own mother on your wedding day?

Bizarre, honestly.

I agree with you that it would be graceless to uninvite her now. But, I do think you should get to the bottom of your lack of invite to her wedding. Good to know for future reference, so you can adapt your behaviour to mirror hers in future (even if not for your wedding). Otherwise it will rankle long term.

OP you don’t want to hear it but they are indirectly insulting your dad and their relationship with him and in turn with you and your mum! He’s dead so him and his family don’t matter.
reply and say I understand, in view of this information pls relay to cousin she is no longer invited to my wedding. Please don’t be a doormat, the rest of the family may see this as a way to treat you and your poor mum whose only “crime” is being a widow.
And the fact that their whole family hid it from you shows they know they are wrong.

There are ways of standing up for yourself without treating your own wedding as a battleground.