AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

I get the reality that your mom and you will be less included from his side of the family. Those family ties are unraveling and that is your cousin's doing, or not doing. I do think you should match that dropping off and not invite them. Don't reward their snubbing your mom and you when she's lost her husband so recently and you your dad. This is where you make it plain you stand with your mom.

And I get someone's mad that you're getting married the same summer and they won't be Queen of the whole fucking summer. That's where your cousin should be stepping in and standing up for her family being included too. I would send cousin a message about how you feel about that and you and your mom not being invited after your dad's death. You know the cousin would have invited you if he was still alive.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry your cousin has allowed your mother and yourself to be treated like this so soon after losing your father.She doesn’t sound worthy of your love.

Oh for goodness sake just ask your cousin whether you are invited or not. It's quite simple

I'm sad on your behalf, you sound like a lovely person to still want your cousin at yours, I don't think I could be so forgiving

Have you not read the thread? She confirmed I’m not invited except for the evening.

If one of her friends cancels and a few places become free, would you and you mum want to go?

Of course you should go to the evening bit. Wedding planning absolutely brings out the worst in people, but if you want to continue as part of their lives, which it sounds like you do, you suck that up, smile and enjoy it.

Petty as hell and I love it

So sorry about your Dad.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you and your family are not that important to your Cousin. If you were, surely she would have invited you and prioritised your family rather than work/uni friends. It’s crap, even if you do get an invite now it’s meaningless as you now know that they didn’t really want you there in the first place.

I do think a lot of it boils down to the timing of your own wedding. Petty or not, they would not be getting an official invite to my wedding.

I think that is the treatment of your mother that would tip me over the edge. What a dreadful way to treat a recently widowed aunt.

If you get in touch with your cousin at all, @worryingday I would do it from the perspective of a daughter distressed by the way your mother has been treated, rather than for yourself. Make it clear that it seems that she's no longer seen as family now that her DH is dead.

Love this too

But the thing is my mum is choosing not to take it that way.. which I guess is her choice. I’m not going to start calling her weak and pathetic and a doormat like some people on here!

She’s already struggling. I tried gently to explain how this seems to me and she’s said she doesn’t think that’s the case (that we’re excluded because my dad isn’t here). I don’t want to put this on her really. She’s closer to her in-laws than her own family. She was with my dad since they were teenagers. It’s just awful.

so yes my mum not being invited and all my dad’s living siblings and their wives / husbands being there is the part I’m most angry about. I half expect at least one of my dad’s brothers’ wives to refuse to go because of this tbh. Not sure what will happen.

Sounds like you might have dodged a bullet not being invited!

Oh for goodness sake, just click on 'See all' next to OP posts. It's quite simple.

Then you can avoid looking like an idiot by writing stupid comments that are completely irrelevant.

Meant to copy this post in my petty as hell and I love it post.

OMG the update from her brother is outrageous. Their behaviour towards you and your mother is dismissive and disrespectful. Even more, it is so disrespectful to your Dad's memory and so hurtful. I cannot believe that your Dad's siblings will be happy with the callousness of her reasoning. Your Mum deserves better than to be treated as dispensable, someone who can be slotted in if someone else drops out. Her partner may be the driving force but where is her backbone and why has she not insisted your family bring included from the start.

Whatever happens from now on you need to be firm in relation to any invitation to her wedding. Make it clear now, so there is no confusion or chance to change the narrative later, that you will not be the alternative if someone drops out. Likewise you will not be accepting any evening invitation. You and your Mum, as her uncles family, deserve better. You need to get tough.
What she chooses to do in relation to your wedding is entirely up to her.

Christ she sounds like an evil cow.

I’d be making a group chat and laying out exactly how your recently widowed mum is being treated, and how because of this she’s uninvited from your wedding. Everyone should know.

Go high. It will be the most effective way to embarass them and make the rest of your family call out their behaviour.

I agree you should invite them both to your wedding and all events surrounding the wedding. Make sure you regularly tell your cousin how important she is to you and how much you appreciated her support when your Dad was dying. If you recind your invite she will be able to justify not inviting you and it will cause a family split.

If you get an evening invite to their wedding accept it with good grace. It will embarrass them much more to have you there as an evening guest than it will to have you not there at all. All the family will see how you've been treated and will have opinions. THIS IS NOT YOUR SHAME IT IS THEIRS. Hold your head up high and tell people how happy you are for them and if people ask why you weren't invited to the whole thing say you understand that difficult decisions have to be made when planning a wedding and obviously you were disappointed but you still wanted to be part of her important day because she was so good to you when your father was dying.

This is all of course assuming you don't get upgraded in the meantime because bridezilla's friends get a better offer.

You can reassess your relationship after the wedding based on how apologetic your cousiin is for her fuck up.

Jesus, this would a hill i would die on tbh. And if the family is as close as you say they are, I am surprised the other aunty/uncles have not called bridezilla out on her shitty behaviour. It will cause friction in the future.

If your invites have not been sent out I would only include the cousin, citing space as an issue. It sounds like your cousin has been bullied into giving up their allocated list to accommodate her.....you do your approx guest list before you do venues imo.

Awful awful behaviour and I feel really sorry for your mum too.

I would send a card, but no present.

Well, you sound really lovely and the other bride sounds awful.

You are doing the right thing and inviting them to your own wedding so that there isn't any drama.

And it is good that the other bride is unhappy that theirs isn't the only wedding that summer. It serves her right.

OP, I don't have anything helpful to add but just wanted to say I think it's awful how you and your mum being treated by your cousin and her fiance and can imagine it's extremely hurtful. Weddings always cause issues but if they were struggling for space then they shouldn't be inviting any cousins - full stop. At least then everyone is being treated equally. But to exclude you and your mum (which is the absolute worst!) when your dad has recently passed and without any reason other than numbers, that's inexcusable. I'd really struggle to continue a relationship with them tbh.

I think inviting her regardless make her look very mature and strong actually.... strong enough not to care.
Having said that .. I'd be upset and would care so would have to know why.....and potentially uninvite

You could be onto something with your theory about the allocation of numbers, OP. Years ago I was bumped to the evening guest list by a good friend. Official invites hadn’t gone out yet, but we’d had lots of conversations about the wedding where it was clear I was going to be invited to the main event. When the written invitation came through the post and it was for the evening only, I must admit that I felt a twinge of disappointment (and confusion), but when I saw her she explained that they’d scaled the numbers right back due to cost. Completely fair enough. However when we were at the evening party (and being shown some photos of the day) it became apparent quickly that the scaled back numbers still included ALL of the groom’s friends, and it was the bride’s friends that had all been bumped to the evening (apart from a couple of her friends, who happened to be in relationships with his mates!). I then actually felt sad for her.
DH and I got married a couple of years later, and I still invited her to the day of our wedding. I think you’re doing the right thing by still inviting your cousin to your wedding OP, if that’s what you want.

Did you ask why?