AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

Well im not. I’ve basically wrote that last update almost quoting exactly how her brother has described the rationale to me. I haven’t said whether I think it’s reasonable or not. Clearly I don’t!

Sorry OP.. I'm getting Bridezilla vibes from the other bride...

Isn’t it unfortunate that your venue can no longer accommodate all the guests you wish could attend? Sadly you will no longer be able to host them but hope they have a lovely day and you can all catch up after your weddings. Start your married live with some self-respect and uninvite them. That’s the consequences of their actions and not on you. Reality doesn’t match your vision and you have to come to terms with that. Your poor poor mum.

‘I completely understand guest limits to your wedding day, I will be disappointed not to see you get married given how close we are, however we really do wish you every happiness in your married life together, and hope you have a great day.

I am delighted to invite you both to our evening reception from 8pm, however we can’t accommodate a day time invite, due to our own logistics.

Next year will be a very happy year for our families, and I look forward to see you at the next family gathering

Best wishes

Op 👰🏼’

If you advertise you are a human doormat, don’t be surprised when people walk all over you. Always loved that saying because it’s so true. Start your married life as you mean to go on, or you will have a life time of being excluded. Stop relying on these awful people.

It’s fucking laughable that her fiance is upset that your wedding is the same summer as hers. So fucking what? She doesn’t OWN the summer! Is this even a thing that normal people think? Honestly I’d be excited that one of my friends was getting married in the same month!
Let her know her invite has been rescinded and wish her the best of luck in tying herself to such a pathetic petty little arshole for the rest of her life. What a bunch of twats!

The other bride sounds a tad controlling to me. Only you would know? Also wanting to be the only wedding that summer. Tad unrealistic. All her side invited. Mutual friends added to your cousin’s side. I’d be hurt, especially for your mum. Thing is if they’d given you dates, you may have been able to avoid it a clash. They didn’t. Their mistake.

In your shoes, I’d think about what I’d want to do and not make any rash decisions.

And stand up for your poor mother at least. She has lost her husband and now such piss poor behaviour.

Well I still think that you should send your family members formal invites and not formally invite your cousin and her fiancé so they can’t officially go because the invite is rescinded. They really don’t deserve to come to your wedding. I hope you don’t let them go. The rest of your family will be on your side and will completely understand if you don’t officially invite them.

Come on. That final paragraph is the only reason you weren’t invited. Surely you must be able to see she’s pissed off at you taking all the attention away from her by having a wedding the same summer? There’s your real reason. That’s why she didn’t invite you. The rest is just excuses.

Oh definitely! They’re getting married just for her basically, my cousin isn’t bothered about weddings or getting married. Whereas the fiancée has banged on about her wedding vision in minute detail for their entire relationship.

I am sorry to be arranging my wedding for the same year but it just can’t be helped. I am getting on a bit (8 years older than cousin) and really need to start trying for baby no.2 immediately after our wedding, so I don’t want to leave it any later than summer next year. And I don’t want to leave it for another few years, I want to have the financial and legal protections of marriage, and for us all to have the same name. The fiancée should be able to understand that.

Im not completely changing my plans or getting married in the winter to appease someone who’s leaving me out anyway!

The babies will be next - christenings, first birthdays. You have a long road ahead of you unless you can adjust your expectations.

I do think you had good advice from a PP who said don't rush into finalising details and invitations for your wedding. Wait and see how this whole thing plays out. You may find yourself having different feelings about friends/family, who you will be closest to in life, and who you want to invite to your wedding, and feel differently about the plan you have already made. All the best to you, OP. This reflects so badly on your cousin - you and your mum on the other hand can hold your heads high.

I think I would be most upset on behalf of my mum tbh. And would be telling my cousin why it was so wrong not to include her.

My sister and I got married in the same summer. I booked mine first. I liked the coincidence and certainly didn't feel upstaged or cross in any way, that's just ridiculous.

As an aside I wouldn’t delay trying for a baby for a wedding if you are ‘getting on a bit’? A year is a long time. I’d crack on and arrange the wedding around any baby..

Though depends how old you are.

Oh bless you. The fiance is punishing you for taking the spotlight off her for a moment. And your mum.. Guilty by association. Your cousin is permitting it. So think carefully about inviting her... Invite alone or evening do maybe or not at all.. And do not keep quiet.. Why aren't you going... "me and mum aren't invited, " on repeat.

You haven´t invited them, the invitations haven´t gone out yet, or have I missunderstood you? And the ones who whould feel awkward are them. Going to your wedding and not inviting you to theirs? Really poor form, especially as one month apart. My husband´s cousin married a week after us and in the end they didn´t attend ours as across the country and only a week apart, but we were invited to theirs, as is normal.

It's clear from your posts that not being invited has upset you, understandably. They've told you that they see you lower than their work colleagues.

But you do need to grow a pair and take control of the aspects that you can do. By simply going along with it you're accepting your status as a 2nd class family member. Stop being a doormat.

There is no way I'd have either of them at my wedding. It's clear they their presence at your wedding is going to affect you emotionally, it's going to be a stain on your big day. At best it'll be an elephant in the room all day, but when the alcohol starts flowing it's almost certainly going to end in an argument or fight.

If you really want your cousin to come to your wedding, then invite them alone, leave fiancee off the invite. If they ask why she's not invited tell them that there's not enough room for her because you've invited your neighbour's dog.

Useful update. But I would seriously reply to brother saying in light of your Dad's death, not inviting your Mum is unforgivably rude and he needs to tell her this if she doesn't realise.

Make sure your wedding is the happiest, most relaxed and inclusive wedding you can. I totally agree with your stance. Make sure they sit at the back and do a speech saying in the absence of your father you feel very blessed to have your nearest and dearest celebrating with you. Your wedding is all about love.
Make a huge fuss of your mum.

Fuck them both.
Not to invite you and your mum is callous and horrible.

DO NOT SEND THEM A CARD OR PRESENT!

I'd be having a quiet word with your cousin and the rest of the family about how controlling the bride is - by the sound of it your cousin isn't even that bothered about getting married but is being railroaded into it to keep the bride happy.
If you and your cousin really do get on well is this the bride deliberately forcing a rift between you?

I think this is worth a message to the cousin. ‘I have been told I’m uninvited from your wedding because it was easier to cut me than someone with siblings. So congratulations, you’ve taken the only child whose dad has died and the mum whose husband died recently and cut them out of the family event. Do you also walk over and kick a child if they have fallen over? That would be about the same. I never would have believed you could be this person but it’s very clear you are.

I feel for you, it must make you feel so sad and upset. I would be tempted to speak to your cousin to explain how you feel.

Confused old person here. How have they accepted an invitation which hasn't been sent yet?

I think it’s shocking that your cousin is allowing her fiancée to prioritise her friends over her own family, including a recently bereaved aunt and her only child, and allowing a situation where she has to choose between family members subsist. It’s totally immature, emotionally unintelligent and smacks of wedding > marriage. I would expect an elder in your cousin’s life to tell her as much.