AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

I think that if you are not going to uninvite her to your wedding (you could just invite your cousin for the whole day and her for the evening part)then you are setting a precedent of what you will accept from her and you will always be left out in favour of everyone else.

Why has cousin been told who they can or cannot invite.
Why have all mutual friends been put on your cousins list. Surely it would be 50/50
They both should have had equal number of invites
If anything what her sibling said just raised more questions than they answered
and raised more red flags

I am going to hazard a guess that your family are very accepting of bad behaviour from others. You accept dreadful treatment from people who know they can walk all over you all without any consequences.

This woman is with your cousin because she knows she can do and say anything and get her own way with no comeback

I actually think your cousin should think very carefully about her relationship.
I would ask your cousin to think about how many times they wanted something and it never happened and how many times bridezilla wanted something and they went along with it

This lack of consequences is why she picked your cousin to marry

Bridezilla has taken over the wedding and your cousin has let her dump supposed favourite cousin and her recently widowed mother out of the wedding and your cousin has gone along with it.

This behaviour hasn’t come out of nowhere This is normal behaviour your cousin has got used to.

Where is your cousins line in the sand

Either your cousin will be divorced very quickly or they are going to lead a horrible life with this woman.

It’s very sad that they’ve done this to you and your mum, especially after losing your dad recently. I say go and have a wonderful, sparkling wedding. You have been very mature in keeping them on your guest list. Let Bridezilla sit there comparing and contrasting if she likes. Just enjoy your day. And tell them you’re glad they came and how important family is to you since your dad died. Show them you’re the bigger, classier person…

Read the OP’s posts. The brother gave the reason.

Why on earth did the bride put up with this shoddy behaviour?

What RockinCara said, pretty much.

Families really can suck sometimes with the hurtful things they do. I would be livid if someone had done this to my mum, it's very unkind.

I think you have to a) concentrate on making your own wedding a lovely and memorable day and b) be guided by your mum's feelings on whether you attend your cousin's evening do or not, given how close she is to your dad's family.

I suspect your cousin is going to catch some serious flak from other relatives when it becomes clear that a couple of family members have been excluded. She really should spoken to you direct at the outset rather than let this situation develop.

I wouldn't be petty with your cousin or uninvite her and partner from your wedding (yes I do think it's the fiancee who is the prime reason behind the guest list chaos), but if you end up discussing all this with your cousin I would be honest and tell her how hurt and disappointed you are, particularly for your mum.

I think you should uninvite cousin and bridezilla from your wedding, citing a ‘reduction to numbers’ and let the fallout commence. They are both horrible bastards

She’s closer to her in-laws than her own family. She was with my dad since they were teenagers.

This is where you act for her. You know they would have invited you if your dad was alive. She and you are being excluded because her very long time husband died. That's not right and you know it and cousin knows it. You need to react to being excluded, not just accept it. If you accept it and roll over and invite cousin to yours, you're telling them you're ok with your mom and you being considered lesser family and there will be more exclusion. There have to be some consequences for the exclusion. She really needs to be included right now, especially if she's struggling and so do you.

What a nasty post, especially given that the OP explained about her dad passing away recently.

"And sadly some of my friends didn’t make the cut as a result. But I suspect they’ve prioritised all their friends and didn’t have quite enough space left to invite their whole family."

Then that is exactly what you should be doing. Add friends and don't have your cousin and her bride. No matter what your vision was, I can't see any way that her attending your wedding in this situation wouldn't make me you feel worse or sour your vision. I'd have to ask myself why I'm making her an important part of my day (vision?) and yet I wasn't even invited to the hen do. If other family members have been questioning, then it's obvious they expected you to be invited as well.

You only asked AIBU, but of course posters want to give advice as well. Not my circus, etc. but I'm offended for you. But it's your guest list, your wedding, and your day. I hope it's a happy one.💐

My only advice is to have a wonderful joyous wedding day. I hope it is everything you envisaged and blessings to you and yours.

I think it likely that your cousin has blighted her day already and will have to deal with the consequences of her choices. Whether you or your DM help mitigate these consequences is something for you to decide.

I am sorry your cousin is doing this to you and your mum OP. If your dad were still alive you both would have been invited to the entire wedding. It is at best thoughtless and at worse downright mean of your cousin to do this. You sound lovely OP, your cousin not so much.

It is weak OP.

Ah, okay. That's fair enough. Your mother is a better person then her niece deserves.

I do hope that one of her siblings or siblings-in-law demonstrated their disapproval though. The siblings' spouses have just had a demonstration of how they're likely to be treated in the future, if they're widowed.

Unfortunately this type of behaviour of excluding close family members can cause a rift that continues for years. It's very nasty and thoughtless.

Very true, and it's clear that's not what OP wants. Which is one reason why she's quite right not to rescind her cousin's invitation.

But please, OP, do see she finds out how hurtful this has been. For one thing, that gives her a chance to apologise. I think you'll need that, for your long-term relationship.

I do not agree with the nastiness on this thread and I can see why you want to be the bigger person OP.

However, your vision surely has to change? The vision you had was based in a different reality to what you're now confronted with.

I think your cousin really needs to grow a pair and tell his GF that his family comes before her work mates (who lets be honest she probably won't even talk to in a few years time). She sounds horrible but he sounds like a coward.

If it were me I'd make sure my vision only included people who gave a shit about me, sadly I dont think that's the case. I know you're trying to convince yourself otherwise, it's really sad accepting you arent as important to someone else as you thought.

Tldr; uninvite the pair of them

So sorry op xx

I'm so sorry they've done this to you. It doesn't actually matter whether they do a U-turn and invite you, or whether you keep them on your guest list or not. She's going to be reminded of what she did regardless.

At the end of the day, she's made a decision that has changed her relationship with you forever, and has likely ruined any memories of her own wedding.

Also, I personally wouldn't attend if you make the B-list. It won't feel the same because you'll know you weren't meant to be there.

All you can do now, is take the high road, welcome her and her fiancée to your wedding, and make sure you have the drama free, love filled day you deserve xxx

I’ve read all your updates and frankly, you And DM, DP and DC) have been treated appallingly.
Basically they can’t afford a venue to accommodate the amount of guests they would ideally have and you’re the ones that don’t make the cut.
if other than feeling ‘awkward’ it’s not going to cause any problems then fine but I would imagine there will be a festering resentment - especially due to the callous timing after losing your DF.
Obviously it’s their wedding so they can invite who they want but they have to understand that not everyone will feel this is fair.
sad for you that you have viewed them as close in your life yet you are right down the pecking order in terms of your relevance in their lives.

@worryingday is in between a rock and a hard place.

First, she's grieving the pretty recent loss of her father. She's also worried about family pulling away from she and her mom and this is starting to happen. And the downgrade is significant. She's not even invited to the hen. She's less than a close friend now. Her mom is excluded from a significant family event she would have been part of prior to her husband's death and that is a huge hurt.

She's afraid to rock the boat. She doesn't know what the fallout will be.

It will be worse if she doesn't address their exclusion. This will become the norm because it was ok for cousin's wedding. Her mom will slowly lose contact to a family she's been close to and a part of since her teens.

Dad's family is already starting to leave she and her mom out. If she brings it up and puts that out into the open, I think it lets the family know she doesn't see this third tier treatment as acceptable for she and her mom and maybe it will make the family a bit more conscious about including her mom and her.

This is what happened to me and my brothers, we were 21, 18, 16 and 5 when mum died, immediately after the funeral her whole family basically disappeared never to be heard of again. Then 7 years later dad died and his family fucked off too and stopped contacting or responding, it was like we never existed. My Grandma on Dads side died this year and I discovered that she’d rewritten her will after dad died to exclude any mention of our existence.

The whole “blood is thicker than water” thing is bollocks, I have much more faith in my chosen family than the ones I was born into.

Gosh @worryingday I'm really shocked at your cousin's behaviour. Unbelievably cruel to your poor mother (and to you, of course), and so disrespectful to your dad. My guest list was overseen by my mum, to make sure I didn't forget about the numerous great aunties and uncles who had to be there. I really can't understand the whole "their wedding, their choice" line - as if the relationship could ever have come about, or would have any hope of lasting, without the support of the other people who love the bride and groom.

Edit to add: I'd definitely not "uninvite" your cousin though. You absolutely don't want to participate in/ normalise the idea that weddings are an opportunity for oneupmanship, or that a fancy venue and a designer dress matters more than the people you love. The venue and everything else is dictated by the guest list, not the other way around.

Does your cousin realise just how controlling her fiancee is?

I don’t think she really saw any issue with it. I guess because she saw his friends as her friends also. Which was true to a point, but ultimately they were all his old school mates, and all her old mates got bumped.

OP I'm really sorry this happened, but am pleased you've had mostly supportive responses. My advice - play the long game. Be supportive, kind but frankly you know where you stand with them now.

When my sister had her wedding (overseas) on a date I 100% couldn't do (was a teacher at the time) I was pulled to shreds on Mumsnet for being upset.