To feel that I can’t get married…

[weddingembarrassment]

…because it will be embarrassing to not have many guests to invite?

Long story ss short as possible. DP & I have been engaged for 2 years now. I desperately want to plan our wedding but I’ve been putting it off because (this may sound silly), between us we don’t have many people to invite, and I feel embarrassed about this.

I have the following people to invite: my Dad & his partner, sister and BIL & her 3 kids, my other sister (single, no kids), 2 half siblings (both single), adult daughter & her boyfriend, daughter’s best friend, and 4 friends at most (plus their partners). That is the extent of the guest list on my side. Anyone else would be an acquaintance at best and I’d likely invite around 10-15 extra to the night do, but these would fall under the category of acquaintance rather than close friends to invite to the ceremony and the meal.

My fiancé has his parents, and two close friends (one of whom would be his best man). He does have a slightly wider friendship circle than I do - he has hobbies etc and knows more people through his job, so I imagine he could generate a list of approximately 15-20 night time guests.

Can we have a wedding with these small numbers, or would that be totally embarrassing?!

I really want to be able to call him my husband, but I’m so worried about how ridiculous it will look to not be able to fill more than 2-3 tables 😢

Has anyone had a small wedding like this? Was it OK?

Smaller wedding are fashionable these days. I went to one recently with about 40 people at Leeds Castle in Kent. It was the nicest wedding I've been to in a while.

I think your terms of reference for weddings seem quite old-fashioned, OP.

Obviously people should do what they want for their own weddings, but if you're looking at 'trends' - more and more people are having smaller, intimate weddings. I would now see having a 200 guest wedding with all the traditions as unusual. All this 'evening guest' stuff is outdated too imho - and it was never nice, having two tiers of guest.

It sounds like you have about the right number of guests for a really lovely wedding, with the people you really care about and who really care about you, and marrying the man you love. That's what matters. I hope you have a lovely day, whatever you decide.

I had my parents, siblings, one aunt and uncle and 2 cousins. 10 people as family and maybe 10 friends. No night do. It was perfect. It’s about celebrating your love!

People wont equate small numbers = no friends. They will think it's a conscious choice to keep costs down/keep it intimate.

I only bad about 10 adults at my wedding. Married at the registry office then a sit down meal at a nice tea room with beautiful gardens. No first dance, no speeches or fuss, just how i wanted it. People said to me it was the best wedding they've been too, it was so relaxed without having to think about if everybody else was having a good time! Just say to this closest to you that you wanted a small wedding.

I got married in Italy and had 24 guests in total. It was very relaxed and great fun.. I would highly recommend a small wedding.

My parents had 9 people at their wedding. All my Mum’s side. Dad’s Mum created about the marriage as she didn’t like Mum (wouldn’t have liked anyone my Dad married, I suspect). Dad promptly insisted he was marrying Mum and told his family not to come if they couldn’t be happy for them. So there were 9 guests, all on one side only, and they loved him. They didn’t care.

They were married for nearly 50 years which only ended with my Mum’s death. That strength and single-mindedness carried my Dad through 9 years of widowhood until he too died, much missed by my Mum’s family. I never really knew my Dad’s family. The number of guests doesn’t matter, the love does, and Dad didn’t care and held fast to marrying Mum.

DH and I got married 2 years ago at a golf club and I wore a beautiful Monsoon wedding dress. Weddings are about you and your beloved saying your vows in front of your nearest and dearest. I still recall saying my vows and not being aware of anyone else in the room just me DH and the registrar! The wedding is just one day in a whole lifetime together. You don’t need hundreds of people just those closest to you. Enjoy the planning and enjoy the day however big or small.

It's not about numbers, it's about celebrating with the people who care about you. Unless you are Donald Trump, obviously.

Just say you're only having a small wedding and leave it at that - this sounds a lovely number and you could upgrade to somewhere really special maybe and have a nice lunch with the people that matter to you both.

My actual wedding ceremony, in a chapel followed by private dining: me, my husband, my mum and dad, 2 friends of mine, 3 friends of my husband.

Party the next day in my parents' back garden, maybe about 50 people total? Probably less? Aunts, uncles, some cousins, some more mates, my brother and his family, and some work mates from a job I'd not been long at.

I had a lot of disruption with job changes and the pandemic and international friends, which meant I was at a period in my life without that many people to invite.

We had a really good time, and still somehow managed to spend about £18,000, even with my mum making my dress 😅

Then don't have a traditional wedding.

We married abroad with just family, 6 guests only.

I’d personally recommend:

https://www.lakedistrictcountryhotels.co.uk/elopements-and-micro-weddings-in-the-lake-district/

or

https://www.millbrookestate.co.uk/

This sounds like the perfect number, it would only look like you had no guests if you hired a huge hall and filled a corner, hire the right sized room.

l spent most of the evening dancing with my husband and having a great time l didn’t speak to all of my guests and l do feel rude about that when l think of it. Also my friend got married in March and had a day wedding no evening part and she left and went on Honeymoon as her flight was 9pm. She didn’t want work people at her wedding and her family are elderly so spent the evening budget on a better location for the honeymoon, it was a great day .

Good luck

That sounds like lots of guests. People you are close to will make it very special. Don’t worry about it.

That sounds like a perfect number of guests to me!

You've listed around 60 people in your post! That's not small is it?

I only had 30 at my wedding (due to COVID mind you) but it was WONDERFUL! I'm so glad I didn't have a bigger wedding. A smaller wedding gives you more time to spend with your guests, makes it less stressed, and not feel like you're constantly working around people to make sure you've spoken to everyone. Also means you don't spend an absolute fortune on feeding/hosting huge numbers of people.

FWIW I do think smaller weddings are becoming a lot more popular and your numbers don't sound too small at all!

When people have huge weddings - a lot of those may well be friends of their parents, distant cousins, large sports groups, duty-invites etc. They probably have a similar number to you of real friends they choose to spend time with, it’s just that circumstances are different.

and if you do go ahead with a small wedding, people will not think ‘they don’t have many friends’. They’ll probably think you kept it small for cost or hassle reasons , and feel glad to be one of the ‘chosen few’

Lucky you that you can have an affordable wedding and don't feel the pressure that you have to invite lots of people, I'd say. We had a big wedding but I had quite a lot fewer people to invite than DH as I have little extended family and fewer friends than him but it didn't occur to me to feel embarrassed about it.

That’s absolutely everyone though. And of course the acquaintances might not all turn up etc. If we’re going off guaranteed numbers (the ones I know for sure would turn up and share our special day) we’re sitting at around 20 my side and no more than 10 on DP’s side. The rest are wider acquaintances (hobbies, work, etc) who we can extend invitations to but may not come.

I have quite a large team at work, and maybe 3 people I could say I’m “closer” to at work but I don’t see them or socialise with them outside of work. And a handful of school mums (3 at most) who I’d say I’m friendly with (not close but we chat a few times maybe in passing). I could make it around 15-20 more by inviting work colleagues and the school mums, but I don’t want my work colleagues at my actual ceremony as I’m not close enough to them for that. I’d only want them at the evening do if anything. But then that means a separate evening do 😬 I’m honestly just not sure what I want tbh. Partner is very laid back, none of this bothers him as much as it does me, so he doesn’t feel strongly either way. He’d prefer to invite more people but doesn’t mind if we can’t or don’t.

We had 40 at our wedding and that felt a bit too much. I definately wouldn't want anything bigger which was good because we didn't know anyone else! I think 30ish would have been good.

It meant lots of people knew each other so no one was sat by themselves and we could talk to everyone without feeling overwhelmed.

I don't like the idea of "evening guests".

I think as long as you get an appropriately sized venue you'll be fine. In our case we had a venue that could sleep exactly the number we needed and we significantly subsidised it so everyone stayed and we made a whole weekend of it.

We wouldn't have been able to afford that with a bigger guest list.

YABU. Get married because you love each other and want to make that commitment to each other.

DH and I had about 30 people at our wedding and reception. It was plenty of people. Still married 26 years later.

The size of your guest list doesn’t indicate how happy or long your marriage will be.

How many people did you want to invite?! Weddings are expensive! I had 12 guests at mine (by choice!). It meant we could choose a lovely intimate venue.