AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

Just shout up and say Uncle's leaving come and say goodbye, before he starts to go upstairs, if they don't want him in their rooms they will come out. I wasn't even welcome in my teenage DD's room, it doesn't mean they find him creepy just teenage, my room no one comes in. I assume he knocks and doesn't just barge in, if he doesn't knock tell him to.

I don't with my niece and nephews (I'm female)...I just shout bye from the bottom of the stairs and they shout back or stick their head out if convenient.
Everyone is different though and it doesn't necessarily mean he has creepy intentions but you wouldn't be unreasonable to say they like to keep their bedrooms private and can you just shout up?

Agree

Next time he arrives, say ‘the girls are going to come down to say goodbye when you go today. So let me know when you’re ready to leave, and I’ll call them down’

Shouldn't need any further explanation than that.

I can't imagine having any concerns about my brother going to say goodbye to my children in their rooms. I'd you are uncomfortable about this you need to ask yourself why this is ?

Why on earth would YOUR guests need to see your children's bedrooms? That's weird and unnecessary.

Surely it completely contradicts the meaning of private space if they dobt actually have control of who can go in their room and whym

how is enabling one's daughters to make choices and supporting them in those choices going to cause issues?

no. tell him he is not welcome upstairs FFS

I think from what you have said yes you are right to listen to your instincts and your girl's feelings.

Do the girls have locks on their bedroom doors? I'd get some. He shouldn't be just walking into a teenage girl's bedroom!

Any visiting relatives here we just shout up, "X is leaving now come and say goodbye". None of them would think to go into their bedrooms. But your brother is actively going up the stairs and telling you he's going into their rooms without asking you or them. Does he knock??

You need to tell him no. Maybe do it before the next visit. By text if you'd prefer that to face to face. If he takes the hump and doesn't visit anymore that doesn't sound like the worst thing to be honest.

OP as you didn't mention your brother enjoys bullying women and girls in your original post, most of the replies are irrelevant because they're relating it to their own normal brothers.

Advocate for yourself and your kids.

Yeah wow what a weirdo. Imagine going upstairs in your house. Call police to log.

You think the OP should shift the responsibility for holding boundaries with an adult male relative who is an inappropriate bully, from herself to her teenage daughters? Sometimes I wonder about this place.

I don’t recall any of my mother’s siblings ever coming to my room.

If a 14 year-old girl can’t say no thank you or don’t come in in her own home she’s not gonna be very safe on the street is she.

Recent stats say: 93% of sexual abuse victims knew their perpetrator. 34% were family members, 59% acquaintances, and only 7% were strangers.

You must have led a very sheltered life to imagine all uncles are nice men.

You didn’t answer my question though, did you? You did a reverse.

In my family, no, we wouldn't go into anyone's bedroom unless invited (or if they were very young and we were babysitting them or something, obviously). I think it's normal to want privacy. They could be changing or something, for all he knows. I'd tell him that they're older now and want to keep their bedrooms private. That's normal for teenagers. It doesn't mean you're implying he's a pervert or something!

Teaching teens to hold boundaries with men is always a good idea no matter how nice their uncles may be.

Why don't you look up the actual statistics rather than pull a random (and frankly completely stupid) figure out of nowhere. Given that 90% of CSA perpetrators are someone the child knows then it's reasonable to assume that any family member would rank highly, given it's mainly family members who will have unsupervised access to children. It's actually very worrying how little some people know about safeguarding on here.

Because he bullied her terribly when she was young.

Would you want your childhood and beyond bully going into your daughters' private spaces when they don't want him there?

This isn't your bro. This is a adult bully who's entering the private spaces of teen girls when he's not wanted there.

I wouldn't expect the girls to speak up for themselves in this case. We were brought up to be polite to our elders, including aunts and uncles. Probably not as common these days, but this was only the 80s, and it would have been considered disrespectful and rude to tell an aunt or uncle not to come into your room if there wasn't a very good reason for it. But on the other hand, it was never necessary, because they just didn't try it.

Personally, I don't think many adult males should be going into a teen girl's bedroom, besides her father, and even that should be done with respect (knocking and waiting, for example).

They don’t like it, you don’t like it- so it doesn’t happen- advocate for them OP. Say when he arrives ‘when you leave I’ll call the girls down, they don’t like people going into their rooms now’ Don’t overthink it or stress that it makes things awkward- if he’s a good guy he really should immediately say ‘oh god, yes sorry, I forget they’re not little any more, that’s fine’ - any other response and I’d be very wary of his motives.

The girls are entitled to their privacy in their bedrooms in their own home. They don't want their bully uncle coming in their bedrooms.

They're too old for their uncle to be barging them in their private space. They're allowed to have boundaries and their mom and dad are going to have to make those clear to bully uncle.

When he says right then, I'll go upstairs, you just say no, you're not going up any more. Bedrooms are private space.

@Unconvinced8768 , are they trying to avoid spending some time with him by going up to their rooms?

OP, yanbu.
The girls don't like it.

Is there a reason a horrendous bully is still in your life?
Do you want him to visit?
It is not normal for family to wander upstairs just because they want to.

This is your home.
I would be telling him when the girls leave the table to go upstairs that you will call them to say goodbye and that he is NOT to go upstairs to their room.

If he argues the point, it would be the last time he visited.

I admit that may bd harsh or extreme to some, but I have zero tolerance for anyone, particularly men not respecting my boundaries in my home.

But then anyone who bullied me horrendously a child, wouldn't be still in my life.

Don't doubt yourself.

Why do you still speak to your brother if he was so vile to you growing up?

And you sound dangerous and like someone who enjoys trampling over other people's boundaries. What is it about OP's brother who is a bully and persists in breaching his teenage nieces' privacy by walking into their bedrooms uninvited that makes you take his side?

Teaching her daughters that they don't have to pander to unpleasant men is the opposite of causing them issues.

Your pandering to entitled men like OP's brother is the massive red flag.