AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

Do you actually invite him, OP, or does he perchance invite himself?

Yes, it’s a weird thing for him to do. I can’t think of any time I’ve ever gone upstairs in someone else’s house (okay, maybe besides my mum) to say goodbye to them. Upstairs/bedrooms are a private space.

My BIL is a perfectly lovely guy, not some perv. I’d be freaked out if he appeared at my bedroom door to hug me goodbye. Your dd’s could be getting changed or having a private conversation.

You simply tell him next time that you’re trying to reinforce that upstairs is a private space now that they are teens and you’ll call them down to say goodbye. It’s not at all a weird thing to ask. It’s kinda weird he’s just assumed it’s fine.

I think it’s perfectly normal as long as he knocks BUT you and the girls don’f like it so you and the girls can come up with a plan.

• they could tell him they don’t like him knocking and would prefer he calls up
• they could ask you for help with a white lie “as they’re getting older I want them in the habit of coming down to say goodbye to people and you’re a test case. Let me shout up when you’re ready to go” or “god knows why but the girls are kicking off about anyone being allowed up so I’ll shout up”
• You could take the fall completely and say it makes you uncomfortable
• If you have a partner he can handle it since your brother was a bully

My friend said something to me.. Historucal sex abuse.
And this is what happened.
My brother's and brothers in laws don't go near the kids bedrooms.

But are your daughter saying they don’t like it? If not, just leave it.

It's in the OP:

the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

Yes. Did you forget? Or did you just ignore it?

I would not have a problem at all if my brother did this. Not weird at all. But, if the door is closed, I would expect him to knock which he would do. Does your brother just walk straight in to your DCs rooms? That would be unacceptable.

two options:

1. shout upstairs when he gets up "HEY GIRLS, COME DOWN UNCLE JACK WANTS TO SAY BYE"
2. go up with him

Just tell him before he is going that the girls have reached an age where they don’t like anyone in their bedrooms and to just shout goodbye from the foot of the stairs. It’s not rocket science and you know what he does so ought to be able to preempt it as soon as he looks like getting up doesn’t matter if he’s not actually going just get it said and don’t let him argue just say that’s how it is. Respect it. Stand up for your daughters even if you couldn’t for yourself

I'm actually stunned at just how many of these posts read as if they've been written by entitled males who think it's perfectly fine to trample over the rights and feelings of females.

@Unconvinced8768 please please stick up for your girls here; bedrooms are private spaces and nobody gets to just enter them! DD15's own father - who lives in the same house - probably hasn't set foot in her room for a year now. It is her private space. She doesn't want ANYONE in there unless she's invited them in. And please consider whether you really need to have your brother in your home at all - it doesn't sound like he's a safe person that you actually want to have in your life. You are allowed to make the decision that he does NOT come into your house AT ALL, if that's what you want. Especially if he's not going to respect your boundaries, or those of your daughters.

It is not normal, in a house with stairs, for visitors to just head up there uninvited. Especially if there is a downstairs toilet for them to use. In SOME houses it might be expected of SOME visitors, but I would say that's the exception rather than the rule.

I used to visit a friend's house for dinner once a week; as her eldest got into his teenage years he would generally be with us for dinner but in his room after that. Playing on his phone, playing on his games console, watching TV, chatting to a friend online, or doing any number of things that he deserved complete privacy for e.g. changing, napping. I just shouted up the stairs to say goodbye, or got my friend to say goodbye for me. I wouldn't have wanted to put him in the position of either having to answer the door in a state of undress or having to tell me I couldn't come in. If nothing else, his room was generally quite messy and he probably didn't want me to see that!

And obviously I'm female, the friend's son was male, and I had absolutely no ill intent towards him at all. STILL not OK for me to just head upstairs uninvited to knock on his door. It is even worse for an adult male with a history of inappropriate behaviour and bullying to be expecting to go anywhere near his teenage nieces' bedrooms.

I have gone upstairs at my sisters house to say goodbye to my teenage nephews. Normal in our family.

I think the important point here was that he bullied you when you were kids.

Have you spoken about it as adults? Has he apologised? Do you want to see him?

I’m with the OP in this instance. The uncle shouldn’t be going upstairs, they’re not little kids any more.

Does he knock and wait for your girls to answer, OP? I hope he doesn’t just walk in!

I’d also ask your daughters what they think and be led by that.

You should model for your DDs that it's okay for them (and you) to have boundaries. They've expressed to you that they would prefer for him not to do that. That's the only reason you need to give him. If he's such a regular guest, it's not even necessary that they come back downstairs to say goodbye to him. I'd only do that if someone was a rare visitor.

It isn’t inappropriate. It’s perfectly normal.

YABVU and you’re going cause them a lot of issues with this kind of attitude.

Please do talk to your teens once your decision is made. Thank them for telling you they were not comfortable, and encourage them to make similar safe decisions for themselves going forward. I would even tell uncle when they can hear it, so they can see how it’s done.

‘Going forward please say goodbye to x and z in the kitchen, they are teenagers now and their rooms are private spaces’

cue from him possibly: ‘ aww just popping up now, they are never too old for a cuddle with uncle’

You ‘no. I will call them down’
Or
‘They are busy right now, I will see you to the door’

Very foolish and naive assessment when you look at the actual statistics.

God, read the room.

He bullied the OP when she was young. It's there in her post you quoted.

Her girls are not comfortable with their uncle coming up to their rooms.

The three women involved are uneasy, and uncomfortable, and OP is here looking for her feelings of unease to be recognised and validated - as are her daughters coming to her about their feelings of unease or dislike of this uncle's behaviour - and people are all, hohoho, not my Nigel/brother.

No. The girls don't like him in their bedrooms so that stops now. Bedrooms are private space. He shouldn't be going in there at all.

He was a horrendous bully to me growing up and so I still tend to let him walk all over me.

If they don't want him in their rooms, this could be a form of bullying, he's going in their private space whether they like it or no. He's also showing you he goes where he pleases in your home.

Bro, it's time for you to say goodbye down here.

Bro, you can't go in their bedrooms. They're not little kids anymore and bedrooms are private space.

If he makes a big deal about it, you stop letting him come over.

The reason that you, and they, don’t like it is because although ‘saying goodbye’ is the purported reason, it sounds like actual purpose is for him to infringe on privacy and boundaries in your own home. He doesn’t even have to be a pervert to enjoy that, it’s exactly the kind of thing a bully who wants to put you and yours in their place would do. It’s entitlement and that’s why it feels off to you all.

Your options to change this are to not have him in the house, to have a word and make the boundaries clear, or to make sure your girls are downstairs for the durations of visits. I expect he’ll ignore option 2.

I was taught never to go upstairs in someone else's house unless they had specifically invited me to.

I would say, "I'll shout up & let them know" to prevent him going up.

If that doesn't work, I'd say something more direct telling him not to as their rooms are private.

In oractice it never was an issue for us because if we had a visitor, we children would have been downstairs with them all the time. But we didn't have regular visits.

I have two teenagers, a boy and a girl and im lucky getting into their rooms myself if they are in them - never aunts or uncles lol. Its your home and your children and you know what they/you are comfortable with. Uncle could surely shout up goodbye without having to head on up to them.

Okay, I missed that. Then they need to be able to speak to him very clearly. They are old enough.

Tell me what percentage of uncles have an inappropriate relationship with their nieces?
What are the statistics? I would suggest it something like 0.01%? But more than happy to be corrected.