AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

What is your relationship with your brother like now? Do you want to still have a relationship with him and have him in your home or are you being pressured into it?

I would stop inviting him and, if you still want to see him, meet him outside your home and don't bring your daughters.

At best he is a bully and at worst he enjoys barging into his nieces' bedrooms and making them feel uncomfortable.

YABcompletelyU to think it’s weird. It sounds pretty natural to me for him to go to where they are to say goodbye to them. I hate to think what is in your mind re this.
But if they really don’t like it, why don’t you just say immediately you realise he’s about to leave "I’ll call them down to say goodbye" and do that?

I am really surprised by the answers here. My brother or sister just would not go up to a bedroom to say goodbye my kids. It’s weird not to ask and to march upstairs in someone else’s house in the first place. We are very close but I still just can’t imagine that happening without some very special reason.

I don’t think it’s usual, though of course I could imagine a situation where you could have that type of super close relationship where it doesn’t feel off. From what you’ve said, that absolutely does not seem to be the case in your situation, OP, and I would shut it down to show your daughters you care more about their privacy than your brother’s (potential) hurt feelings.

Has he always done this, or only since they’ve been teenagers?

This. and if the OP chooses to continue to allow him into her home, then the new boundary needs to be clearly established before he tries to go upstairs. I'd go so far as to say that if he ignores your new boundary, he will be welcome again.....or just ban him anyway....

YABU to think a relative popping upstairs to say bye is always overstepping or inappropriate. In most families this is completely normal behavior.

If you or the girls are uncomfortable for whatever reason, you should just tell him to stop. That would not be unreasonable.

If you’re too nervous to tell him because of his behavior more generally, that’s pretty concerning and you should reconsider whether you invite him over at all.

He would if they were, my niece has been that old. Seriously this is not a problem dynamic and she loved it and plays rugby and tries to return the favour. He’s super fun uncle and they adore him.

obviously it might be creepy or inappropriate with some uncles. It’s not in our family I’m just saying what the pp asks about ie going upstairs to say bye is pretty normal in lots of families.

But the girls don't like it.

the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

And the OP's brother bullied her when she was a teen.

So "completely normal behaviour" has already been bypassed.

Well then as the parent they need to not allow this to happen. Simply say at the beginning - I don't like you going upstairs when my Children are in their rooms.

You need to stop letting your daughters be so rude!

How is it rude to retire to your bedroom after lunch?

It’s fine you don’t want him too, but it’s not weird on his part. To suggests he’s invading their privacy isn’t fair when he’s doing something fairly normal. However, if they prefer not to, that’s also fine. Beat him to it, shout up that he’s leaving (frame it as you want them to be polite, they’ve got lazy with manner with guests, so the brother doesn’t feel awkward) and pre-warn them that they need to appear straight away!

They’re 14 and 16. They don’t need to “retire to their rooms”. If it’s a family gathering they should be sitting down with the family engaging in conversation, not sitting in their rooms scrolling TikTok.

The only time it would be acceptable is during exams, when all devices should be downstairs so that they’re actually studying.

You need to have a slightly awkward moment then. Ideally before he's halfway up the stairs. Perhaps when your DDs go upstairs say "I'll call the girls down to say goodbye when you're leaving. We want to practice good manners but also their bedrooms are private space." Then be ready for him leaving and your daughters need to be quick coming down. Be matter of fact, as if it's perfectly natural, because it is.

Oh, are we back in Victorian times? I missed the memo.

Yes, you are so right, it is always a good idea to teach young girls to have no boundaries, to expect no privacy in their own rooms, and to allow any male to push in with what he wants at all times.

He’s a family member saying goodbye.

If they weren’t so rude then he wouldn’t need to!

I understand if you don't want to answer this question @Unconvinced8768 after the posts you've already received. In general, posters on Mumsnet are terribly unaware about safeguarding risks and equally unaware of how absolutely clueless they are.

I would feel uncomfortable about your brother's actions, the moreso because of his history as a bully. I think it's a massive overstep for him to opportunistically shoot off up the stairs. Normal would be to shout up the stairs to say I'm going now.

My question was about what your DDs have said about feeling uncomfortable and how he makes them feel this way. If he is opening doors without knocking and waiting, by the way, I would send him a text saying a heads up before he visits again, he is not welcome to go upstairs and you will let the DDs know when he's leaving. If he's bursting into their bedrooms hoping to catch them changing, I'd not see him any more and would absolutely say he's not welcome. Either way, he has issues respecting other people's boundaries, but you know this. I wouldn't worry about causing offence. He isn't.

An OP without detail?
Normally people would be comfortable with some people doing somethings with their family but not all. If that’s the case here then what is stopping you from telling him that you will call the girls downstairs for him to say good bye to them.

He is an entitled man with a history of bullying young female relations.

No - it’s perfectly fine for your DDs to assert boundaries and not want anyone in their rooms. When he says he’s off, simply say - ‘don’t go up, the girls don’t like any of us encroaching on their space. I’ll call them down’ ? It’s what we do.

I would say it is unusual yes

In general, posters on Mumsnet are terribly unaware about safeguarding risks and equally unaware of how absolutely clueless they are.

Truer words were never spoken.

So emerging young women asserting their right to privacy, establishing boundaries, is rude?

If you suspect your brother of being inappropriate with your daughters he shouldn't be in your home at all!!
If you don't suspect he is a pervert you are being a bit weird

Such as ? OP’s explained he’s socially awkward and possibly doesn’t realise it’s not appropriate.

You're really aren't not joking are you?

OP's brother is a bully and he makes his nieces feel uncomfortable. They are perfectly entitled to go upstairs to get away from him.

OP is happy for her daughters to set their own boundaries where their uncle is concerned.

OP's brother is lucky that he is invited into her home after the way he treated her when they were teenagers. I wouldn't invite him if I were OP.