AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him not wanting to disturb them, popping upstairs. knocking on their doors and saying goodnight. If he’s barging into their rooms and plonking himself down on their beds, I would think that was overstepping! Unless you have any other qualms about him being with your girls, I wouldn’t be particularly worried about this.

I am uncomfortable with it, he is very socially awkward anyway so probably just doesn’t get that it’s not appropriate.
He was a horrendous bully to me growing up and so I still tend to let him walk all over me. I want to make sure that this tendency of mine to let him do whatever he wants doesn’t affect my girls.
Their bedrooms are their private spaces at this age, I remember that feeling.

That question is individual to the family.

My brother wouldnt. He'd ask. Id say Ill shout them to come down.

We have a downstairs toilet. It wouldn't be normal for him to go up at all..

I also dont consider him extended family.

Its more that he just announces he’s off and goes up to their bedrooms before I get the chance to say I’ll call them down to say goodbye.
Hmm, really? That's lightening speed if you don't have the chance to say Hold on a minute. I have a feeling you just don't want to have that awkward conversation. If he really is that fast, just tell him when he arrives, just so he knows, that now they are older they would prefer to come downstairs to say goodbye. Teens / preteens get quite territorial about their rooms and that is perfectly fine.

@ChavsAreReal worded it perfectly.

I’ve seen funny memes/videos about how the British tend to always do a knee-slapping “right, okay!” kind of sigh, before getting up to leave. 😊 Surely he does something like this and you can dash to the hallway, blocking him, and shout them to come and say bye!

Yes, he literally said it as he was heading up the stairs. I went after him.
We have a downstairs loo so I wouldn’t expect him to go upstairs either.

Just say that your daughters don’t like anyone going into their bedrooms. You don’t need to explain any more.

I agree with you OP.

My mum used to visit unexpectedly as she only lives round the corner and would walk straight up to my sons’ bedrooms when they were teenagers to say hello.

They didn’t know she was coming and kept their doors closed for privacy. She’d just walk in!

I had to say, as she was on the way upstairs “Wait mum! I’ll call them down. They don’t like people just walking in, that’s why their doors are closed.”

Had to say it time and time again and in the end I had to tell her quite abruptly to stop as it bothered them.

When he says he's going upstairs, say no.

Or tell him earlier in the day - Jim, the girls don't like anyone going up to their rooms as it's their private space, I'll call them when you're leaving and they can come down to say bye.

Your girls don’t like it -
that’s all I’d need to know

you say to him - girls don’t like people going into their rooms - so don’t,
I’ll call them down to say goodbye

no debate
thems the rules

I think it's a pretty normal thing for an uncle to do 🤷‍♀️ but if your teens are uncomfortable with it, you just have to pre-empt it by saying it's ok I'll call them down to say goodbye. I actually think it's quite nice that he wants to say bye to them before he goes!

I do find it weird that you see it as an invasion of “privacy” that he would go to their rooms. Presumably their rooms are off a hallway or other communal area. Presumably he knocks if a door if closed - if he doesn’t then obviously that is an issue that needs to be addressed. I really can’t see what the big deal is in a child opening the door when he knocks and saying goodbye, which I’m sure takes less than a minute.

This. The girls don't like it, they have the right to decide their boundaries.

I am sure the uncle is not a perv, however, my 'lovely uncle' used to flash his erect penis at me and my Dsis whilst my parents sat downstairs...everyday. he lodged with us and we were made to say good morning to him upstairs, to be polite....

I don’t think it’s normal. He could just shout up the stairs “I’m going now, bye girls!”

He should not be going into teen girls bedrooms.

You’re their mum Op, they need you to advocate for them. Teach them that their privacy and boundaries matter. Tell him he’s not to go upstairs and that it’s not appropriate.

100% this

You're suggesting things here op

Can’t you just text them as he is getting ready to leave so they can pop down so you don’t have to shout up to them (my DC would probably have their noise cancelling headphones on so wouldn’t hear the shouting anyway!) and he doesn’t need to go up.

Ignore the voting. Remember this is Mumsnet. Also you have no clue who uses this website. Could be a bunch of men (why? Clue is in the name) and/or paedos etc.

1. Your children said they don't like it and it's your job to enforce their wishes (when reasonable)
2. It is super weird that he keeps going upstairs when your kids already went to bed.. it wouldn't occur to me, even as a woman, to be trying to be alone with someone else's kids in their bedrooms, and also: what if they're asleep already? It's just rude.

I would warn him in advance or ask him when he comes over to leave before the kids go to bed. You could even say it by talking to your kids: "say goodbye because it's bedtime and we're asking guests to leave before bedtime now, aren't we".

Do you? So if you were in your bedroom you would expect uncle of yours to race up the stairs and come in to your room to say goodbye? Rather than just call up the stairs?

What does he do? Knock on the door, then stick his head round and say “I’m off now, bye!” and leave? If it’s just this, then he probably doesn’t want to be seen as rude for leaving without saying goodbye.

If he’s walking in unannounced, sitting on the bed and having a nose at their stuff, then fair enough.

Your daughters need to say goodbye to him when they go upstairs I think “I’m going to go and do some homework now, nice to see you uncle Bob, see you next week” or whatever.

Tell.him
Since the girls are now teens lets call out or knock let thrm come out to say goodbye.
Or get them to yell go away like most teens like to do...as a joke firstly but to get the hint.

I am glad you are looking out for your girls and their feelings. All these posters saying, "He's their uncle!" are tone deaf and/or very sheltered. It's just creepy invading young teenagers' private spaces, when a quick shout out of "Goodbye" or "Tell the girls good bye from me" would suffice a normal, non-boundary-stomping individual.

If he knocks at the door and doesn't open it and go in without them replying, then it doesn't seem like a big issue. If he just walks in, then it is definitely not ok.
You could always shout up the stairs for them to come and say goodbye before he gets there. Can they hear? My mum calls up the stairs to my son but never gets a response, it takes two of us shouting and he still can't hear with his headphones on.
I would tell your brother that they'll come down and say goodbye, and that they have got to the age that they don't like people going in their rooms, and that you'll go and get them.

it doesn’t need to be a big deal.

‘Brother the girls have reached that age now where they are private about their bedrooms so we all need to respect that. I’m going out on all them downstairs instead of you going upstairs. I’m sure you understand’.

Just shout up to them before he can get up the stairs! “Girls, uncle’s leaving! Come down and say goodbye!”

if they’re that bothered about him poking his head round the door they will take action to avoid it, problem solved