AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

OP,.It really doesn't matter whether you thinks it's weird, the fact that the dds are uncomfortable with their uncle going into their bed would be enough for me.

Just tell your brother that now the girls are older that they don't like anyone going into their bedrooms so that shouldn't cause offence if it's a general rule.

It is a bit odd. My DD have several uncles and none has ever gone in their room. We are always downstairs socialising. When they leave they call up and the kids come down to say goodbye.

Most decent men would eat glass rather than be seen in a teen girl’s bedroom, unless they have severe special needs they are acutely aware of how it might be seen/risk. This screams testing boundaries, because he can.

@Onmytod24 NSPCC figures show 1 in 20 children are sexually abused. I was one of them.

Your posts about not all males assault kids are missing the point and minimising victims experiences.

OPs brother is a bully and her kids don't want him in their rooms. Seems simple to me.

Some of the responses here are pretty bad. The girls have expressed they don't love it. No ones saying anything untoward is happening but it's important that they feel like they can express discomfort to their mother.

I have teenagers and maybe on the odd occasion their aunties and uncles have gone upstairs, mostly to give them gip about being too cool to hang out with us.

If my DS said he didn't like it, I would do something about it.

Coming downstairs to say goodbye to a visitor is good manners.

Regardless of any daughters or sons views about someone coming into their bedroom.

I am sorry to hear what happened to you. I was using figures from police reported incidents rather than NSPCC.

But if he said that he didn’t feel comfortable with this would you continue or respect his wishes?

If you were in your bedroom at home and a relative came in every time they visited and you said you didn’t feel comfortable with it, would you expect them to respect that?

You just say - "Oh you know what teenagers are like about their rooms - I'll go get them." My 15-year-old is very protective of her space. He room is actually downstairs next to the front door but I would always ask her to come our to say goodbye rather than have a guest looking in, they are the same about my Mum who would love a snoop! To be honest, even I have to be invited it when they are home.

I cannot get over the votes on this. Teen girls don’t want a man in their room and 63% think their mother would be unreasonable to prevent him from going anyway?

It's also good manners for adult male visitors to stay out of the bedrooms of teenage girls who are uncomfortable with them entering their rooms.

I agree. It is invasive. Call them down. Upstairs and in bedrooms. No.

He invites himself.

Let me guess. He isn't in a relationship and doesn't have any friends so despite the way he treated you when you were a child, you feel a sense of responsibility towards him and a bit sorry for him so you let him come round.

Are your parents still alive?

I wouldn’t make excuses.

A bedroom is an intimate space, where we sleep, change, relax. There is no reason for a guest to be in an intimate spaces.

“We are teaching the girls about appropriate boundaries and don’t want guests coming to their bedrooms uninvited.”

Oh god.
How did you know?
Our parents both dead now. No other family.

I would never do this in someone else's house. If the parent of the teen called them to say bye, I would say goodbye but if not I would probably leave them to it. My nieces often go to their rooms before we leave and I would never interrupt them. I think it's a bit intrusive and they're not little kids anymore. In fact, terrifyingly, one is actually an adult now!

It is.
I’m 22. Recently, we had a family party and I went upstairs because I was upset over something work-related and didn’t want to cause a fuss. My grandmother, who is now 80, came upstairs looking for me, walked into my room, and sat down with me before we went back downstairs together.
as a child my uncle would tuck me in, but then again I was essentially the middle child of his four (two older two younger) so on family vacations he’d take care of me like one of his own.

You owe this man absolutely nothing, OP. Guessing he turns up uninvited? Next time he does this, turn him away saying it's not a good time and you're busy. If he does it again, don't answer the door. If he does message to ask to come round, tell him you're busy. You will need to learn to ignore the feelings of guilt and responsibility. They are misplaced.

I think this is the perfect way to handle it!

It is normal in your family. It is not normal in my family and I wouldn’t walk into family member’s bedrooms unless asked first.

Your own experience isn’t everyone’s.

from this thread the OP can take away that it’s normal for some families but also not acceptable in others and each person/ family should choose what they feel comfortable with.

Absolutely no one is allowed or was allowed up to my dds room without their permission.
It had to be their safe place and respected as such. Anyone who tried to disregard that was told firmly and politely to stay downstairs while i called my dds down.
If anyone objected they wldnt be welcome in my home.
I and dh knock and always have. From when they were old enough to respond.
People have no respect for children. Its a disgrace.

Yeah I think that’s weird

I voted YABU.

If you have any genuine concerns then your brother shouldn't be in the house at all, ever.

Otherwise, you need to just tell him as he probably sees them as children rather than young adults and doesn't appreciate the privacy they want/need.

so basically Op you are guilting yourself?
Simple question really. Who REALLY deserves your concern and support.