AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

Most sexual abusers are close family members.

OP, say something like "I'll call them down, I need to get them to do some jobs/ chores/ check their homework anyway". After a few times he'll get the message.

I wish I could do a Venn diagram just to show where you’re thinking is completely wrong, but I understand where you’re coming from

How did I do a reverse?

It should have read "sexual abuse victims under 18".

I don't think the statistics drill down into what percentage of abusers are uncles, but perhaps you could look into that. A large proportion are family members: brothers, fathers, grandfathers, and uncles.

Are you saying it’s not a fact that sexual abusers are statistically more likely to be a person known to the victim? Is that what part you’re saying this poster is wrong about?

I very much doubt you could do a Venn diagram about anything relevant to this thread. You can't even read the OP's posts. You put up a ludicrous figure suggesting an uncle abusing a teenage niece is so far out of the realms of possibility:

What are the statistics? I would suggest it something like 0.01%? But more than happy to be corrected.

But aside from any of that, the girls are uncomfortable with him coming into their bedrooms. That is all we need to know. It doesn't have to be sexual. It is a boundary invasion, and they are right to want to assert their own boundaries.

Just call them down.

Thank you for asking. My question wasn’t ‘what percentage of abuses are uncles etc’
but ‘percentage of uncles etc are
abusers’

Man here.

It's definitely weird and I'd never do that. Listen to your daughters and put a stop to it.

What difference does it make?

As a teenage girl I wouldn’t have wanted my uncle coming up into my bedroom.

Just curiously how did you come to the number? Did you make it up or was it based on anything?

If you’re teenage daughter told you they didn’t feel comfortable with this would you continue to allow it because you think the chances of SA happening are small?

Most sexual assaults to a child are by someone who knows them, often in their family… such as an uncle.
Yes, it’s weird. The girls don’t like it, ‘the gift of fear’ is a good book for them (& you) to read.
It’s so weird, most would just shout ‘bye’, he’s invading their space/ crossing their boundaries and he knows it.

If he does it again, say ‘no I’ll shout them’, then proceed to shout them.

Are you still afraid of your brother OP?

All that matters here is that your daughters dont want him in their rooms. You must support them in this.

What other households/uncles/teens do doesnt matter.

If he's annoyed, it doesnt matter. A decent man would simply say "of course, yes theyre not little girls anymore ".

If he’s annoyed, that’s a sign that he’s got a problem.

If the girls don't like it then that is all that counts.
Just tell him you'll shout them down.

Just tell him the girls rooms are a mess and can he say goodbye from down here.
Or when they go up tell them to say goodbye right then and say they are going for a nap or something and not to bother coming up..
Better yet just tell him the girls prefer their own space now they're older and it's best not to go upstairs to say goodbye when he leaves

Thanks it does make a massive difference. There’s roughly 8,000,000 girls under 18 in the UK right now maybe 4 million of those have an uncle. Last year there was 120,000 reports sexual abuse of children made to the police. Even considering that all of that abuse was committed by uncles rather than fathers or next-door neighbours or older brothers that would give us 3% not 90 something percent.

What's your point?

They dont want him in their rooms.

What the actual fuck.

We are in a similar position.

My girls set their own boundaries, I will always help to enforce them until they feel able.

Sometimes people set off the mum radar, we have one that does so in our family. There may be no substance in it, but nonetheless, they will not be overstepping any boundaries my girls choose to set.

Just say his nieces are growing up and it isn't appropriate for him to go in their rooms, and that you can call them down to say bye. A decent person will think nothing of it.

my bet would be because the OP "doesn't want to upset the family" That's the usual reason.

I go up to my grandsons bedroom to say goodbye. I’m not shouting up stairs and anyway he wouldn’t hear me if he’s got headphones on.

There is absolutely no reason for an adult extended family member to be in a child’s room unless they are helping to care for the child.

This is not a hardship on anyone.

Here we go again pulling random numbers out of thin air. You have no idea how many of those 8 million have uncles, your 4 million guesstimate is based on basically nothing. You’ve also not accounted for the fact that boys can also be sexually abused so your calculations also omit those numbers. Your back of a fag packet calculations also don’t take into account the number of unreported cases either. I really don’t understand what point you’re trying to make.