AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

The girls have said they’d prefer it if he didn’t go upstairs.

It doesn’t really matter if anyone thinks it weird or if they won’t be naked upstairs.

It is time to respect the preferences of this girls. And not the preferences of the adult male.

Very bored of hearing about women and girls having to give way to the preferences of others, especially those of men and boys.

It’s great if your DDs feel respected. And that they can assert their preferences. Good.

I agree with you, OP, and it wouldn’t matter if the relative was male or female. I think anyone in my family would find it intrusive to have an extended family member knock on their bedroom door to say goodbye.

It's fine for him to go upstairs to say goodbye.

It's not fine for him to barge into their bedrooms. He can say goodbye through the door or knock and wait for them to open the door and say goodbye on the doorstep (as it were).

I haven't been in my own son's room for years. It's his space and I wait to be invited in.

Maybe if this man makes all of you do uncomfortable, deep down you know that he is a danger to you, like a vast majority of men. It's probably best to stop him visiting at all under the circumstances.

Just say to him that the girls prefer privacy in their bedrooms and you’ll call them down to say goodbye. You could make a joke about it and say even you are not allowed in!

Your house your rules, your children need to know that you will listen to their reasonable request's.

As soon as he has finished eating and drinking, nip up to the toilet and get the children to come down and spend another 10 minutes talking and the they can announce that they are going upstairs to study, finally tidying through all their clothes for the charity shop or any other reason that you can think of and so they can then do the ‘it was lovely to see you Uncle Whatever, see you soon’ thus you cut off the need for him to go upstairs and into their bedrooms.

If he try’s to go after that, directly question why he is going upstairs, don’t allow him to bully you in adulthood.

This. And you need to say it before he is about to leave.

I think it's because she asked if it was normal in other families so people are describing what happens in their family and answering in relation to their relatives.

She only went into more detail later on but a lot of people will just respond to the first post.

Obviously, the answer is that it doesn't matter what is normally in other families, if she or her children are not comfortable with something, it doesn't happen.

Something feels off to you. So stick with that.

The main thing that jumps out is that your DDs don't want him to. That would mean I would stop it.

If he bullied you growing up and you still feel intimated by him you don't need to have him around

Don’t see anything weird about it but then they should come down. If you want to stop it just call them down (and they need to go down).

I don’t open bedroom doors either. If it’s open I’ll poke head in but if not I’ll just call through Walton style.

Ooh no, just seen this update, that is not a good dynamic at all. You definitely need to talk to him to stop him doing it. Otherwise you’re giving your girls the message that what a man wants to do take precedence over whether they like it or not.

This OP, it's all it needs. Spell it out to your brother. If he's offended then that's on him!

Why?

He's their mother's brother, a brother who bullied her as a child. He's at the house once a month and they eat with him. Why on earth can't they say goodbye as they leave the table? What is the necessity to drag then out of their bedrooms, never mind to say goodbye to a man their mother is afraid to stand up to?

I'm so sick of girls still being taught that they need to be nice to abusive and manipulative men.

It doesn’t sound unreasonable of him until the girls and you are uncomfortable. Assuming there were no concerns I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. However, your gut is telling you otherwise and your girls are uncomfortable. If you don’t want to directly tell him, I would follow him up and shout something like “girls come out of your rooms and say bye to your uncle”, or assuming he’s not there for long ask them to stay downstairs, or make excuses for him to not come around as much seeing as he bullied you and you don’t trust him.

If the op isn’t happy about him going upstairs in her own home then it’s not fine.

Since when do visitors dictate where they can go in other people’s homes?

Are you "being unreasonable" in insinuating to your brother that you think he's some sort of weirdo and that it's inappropriate for him to say bye to your daughters while they're in their rooms?

Good luck with him ever speaking to you again if you approach him with that. I would never talk to you again if you did that to me.

(editing to add, some nice drip feeding there, op, re the childhood bullying. Still doesn't mean he's a weirdo. If you don't want him going upstairs then you're just going to have to tell him not to. Poor guy)

I don’t think it’s weird but if you do and kids don’t want him up there just shout “girls come down and say bye to Uncle Mike.”

If he's always done it, if the girls aren't complaining, then I can't see the problem.

He clearly makes you all uncomfortable so that is enough. I don't think in itself going upstairs to say goodbye is always a no-go situation but in this case it is. Because it is unwanted. And because you should always trust your gut in these situations. Something about him makes you very uncomfortable, trust your instinct and put a stop to it.

My older children usually go to their rooms before my Mum leaves and she always goes upstairs and knocks on their doors to say goodbye. Never really thought anything of it. Mum has a great relationship with all of the children.

Its intrusive to go into their rooms. Your instinct is spot on and I wouldn’t hesitate to prevent this happening. Most men avoid putting themselves in awkward positions with young teen girls op for obvious reasons.

It is overstepping a boundary now they are older.

Your gut says STOP. Your daughter's don't like it. Any one of those is reason enough.
Put your big girl pants on and enforce your daughter's boundaries.

For context, my kids all come down or don't - but no one goes upstairs.

Does he knock and wait for them to respond or does he barge in?

Ignore people trying to say it's ok for a man to do this when it is unwelcome. Your dds don't want him to do it and that is enough. The end.

He is socially awkward so is he used to family advising him on this kind of situation?

Just tell him - "the girls have reached that age where they don’t like people going into their bedrooms, I’ll call them down to you" (as I do for everyone else).