AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

Why on earth are you inviting him over at all given what he has been like? I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my family, unless he had fully acknowledged and apologised for his behaviour. Your lack of self confidence around him is an added risk too.

There are many grown adults on Mumsnet who don’t like others going in their bedrooms as it’s their own space. I don’t see why this shouldn’t extend to teenagers.

The OP literally says the girls don’t really like him in their bedroom.

It wouldnt be weird in my household tbh but, clearly you are uncomfortable with it. What do you Children think?
Maybe once a month they could stay downstairs and socialise with him.

She DOES say that, though - in her opening post: the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

It says in the OP they don’t really like him going in their room.

If he left without saying goodbye to them as some are suggesting, then he would be considered rude.

I think the problem here is that everyone imagines their own brother in that situation - that brother might be absolutely fine but the OP's brother clearly isn't. I wouldn't want this at all. If your husband is there might he be able to stop this happening? I had a brother like yours and wouldn't want him in a one-to-one situation with my daughter at all. If all else fails follow him up and stop him going into their rooms.

I mean, I find it weird that you find it weird because that tells me you think there’s something off about your brother, in which case why are you even letting him come round to visit at all?

YANBU. Follow your instincts; call the girls down.

I have, which is why I suggested telling him to call them out of their rooms to say bye.

Either call them down or go up with him. However, if your girls don’t like it, that’s your answer.

My BIL will always pop his head in to say bye to my 2 sons when he is over, I have never thought anything about it tbh.

The teens should be allowed their privacy! Just ask them to come down to say goodbye when he shouts up...no drama

But then I wouldn’t have a man like this in my house at all.

If he had to come over for whatever reason, then I’d be telling my DC to stay downstairs until he’s gone.

I’ve gone into my niece and nephew’s bedrooms to say goodbye. I do knock before I go in. They tend to have headphones on so wouldn’t hear me shouting.

However, your daughters don’t want him in their room. So he needs to be told not to go up.

He was a horrendous bully to me growing up and so I still tend to let him walk all over me.

You don't need to have any relationship with your abuser at all, and certainly don't need to have him in your house.
Have you had therapy?

I'm not sure if you are asking if it's normal or whether you are trying to work through your own unease, @Unconvinced8768 . Or whether it's your daughters with the unease. Or whether you think he has some ulterior motive for going up there. I appreciate you might be in a pattern of not trusting your own instincts around him, especially if your parents didn't back you up when he was bullying you as a child. What's "normal" is entirely different for different people. It's you who sets the normal in your household, not your brother or anyone on here. Trust your instincts and set your boundary.

Next time he comes, ask him what time he's intending on leaving so the girls know when to come downstairs to say goodbye. Say it explicitly in front of everyone, and tell the girls that they need to come downstairs at that time so uncle doesn't have the bother of "having to" go upstairs. Talk to the girls/ pre-warn them beforehand that they need to come down to say goodbye, even just for 30 seconds. If your brother still tries to go upstairs, then you know he's, at the very least, not respecting your boundaries in your own home, and this isn't on. You need to try to remind him very firmly and politely that the girls are coming down to say goodbye, so he needs to wait downstairs, please.

It's not weird but if they don't like it then it needs to stop. One of my uncles used go into my room when I was still downstairs and mess with my stuff in a practical joke way. I went mad at him when I was about 15 as it felt so intrusive.

Are their bedroom doors shut when they are in there? If not, ask them to shut the doors while he is there, and make him to knock to say goodbye (tell him some bullshit about them being girls and needing privacy), then they can come to the door without opening it fully, to say a quick goodbye.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you had a difficult upbringing with him, but it's up top you to set the rules of the house, and make sure they feel comfortable in their own space.

This would not be a problem for most people and most families so you may get some exaggerated responses, that doesn't apply to you and your relationship with your brother so ignore those responses.

Abusers don’t always present that way. They are often skilled manipulators. I’m not saying that applies to OP’s brother necessarily, but you just never can tell. Most abuse happens in the home with family members.

If he’s a socially awkward, and possibly has dominating personality issues (bully) and doesn’t have a lot of female attention, being close to developing pubescent young women might be a really powerful draw. Why does he even have to go up to their rooms? Most normal blokes wouldn’t be bothered about sulky teenagers - they'd just shout up the stairs. That is a ‘weird, creepy’ red flag in itself.

I think it's strange you think that but in future just ask the girls to be ready for a quick call up the stairs to get them down. He's just got into a habit and it's just about breaking it.

This absolutely, but also, I don't think its unreasonable for your daughters to say an early goodbye to guests provided its a proper polite goodbye. Its what the late Queen did when she had weekend guests (yes I knew someone who went). I have done it myself when my late DH had friends over but I had to be at work early the next day.

Has your brother's bullying ever been addressed? I mean do you actually want this person in your house at all....and no don't say it would upset other family members.

Practice anticipating its about to happen and practice what you’re going to say. At a loud
volume if have to. Make it a big and loud “WAIT!” or “STOP!” so that he at least stops and pauses, then call the girls down. (Forewarning them so they don’t ignore.) And just explain simply that the girls don’t want anyone their space.

Yes, he literally said it as he was heading up the stairs. I went after him.

That's what happened this time but you said he makes a habit of it.

How big is your house that when he says he's leaving, you can't immediately call upstairs to your DDs??