AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

I think you're getting really unusual responses and I wonder if another poster is right that we've been infiltrated by large numbers of men. A normal response I'd expect on here is:

a. Do not ignore your gut feeling! Then someone will link to The Gift of Fear (it is actually a great and very useful book!)
b. Boundaries are important and your brother is trampling all over yours/your girls boundaries and this is unacceptable.
c. If they don't have a close relationship it is weird to want to go into their bedrooms, and I can think of many reasons why this is not appropriate.

I think it's strange that so many people are referencing their super safe uncle or brother rather than recognising that you know your brother well and none of us do! If this situation is uncomfortable for you and your girls then you definitely need to stop it. You are not being at all unreasonable so don't let others convince you that you are.

@Unconvinced8768 the isdue is not with your brother going upstairs to say goodbye. That’s a pretty normal thing to do.

The issue is the fact you dint trust him after he spent years bullying you as a child.
The issue is that yr dds are uncomfortable around him. Why? Does he knock on the door before entering! Does he wait for an answer or does he just barged in? What else is going on?

I mean even the idea that ‘he is socially awkward’ sounds wrong to me - like something you’ve been told before ‘oh don’t take his behaviour the wrong way. He is just awkward. He doesn’t mean any harm’ - because being awkward and a bully don’t sound compatible to me.

So yes the answer to your question about an uncle going upstairs to say goodbye is YABU but him, as a person, I feel there is more to look at and I suspect YANBU about him imposing himself like this. Two different questions iyswim

I agree, this is a good summary. It's not necessary to go up to the bedrooms, it's not even a consideration, just shout upstairs, that is what we do.

Good points. Always good to have boundaries.

Are they 16 and 14?

@PeoplesNet you’ve made a lot of assumptions there. @Unconvinced8768 never said her daughters were uncomfortable with this arrangement, only that she is. Also she never said the daughters were in bed, she said they were in their rooms after lunch, nothing to do with bed time.

That’s because the OP worded the question as a general question - is it ok first uncles (as in any uncle) to go upstairs. And yes most people will say not a problem.

Then comes the fact he was a bully etc…a very different situation. Let alone the fact posyers often reply to, the OP and don’t read all the updates first.

Yes, fair enough

Unless they are under 6 this is fucking weird

Just tell him to stop. Why do you think it would cause offence?

Ah, I can see how all that makes dealing with the issue more difficult than it might be for some other people. I'm really not trying to underestimate how a lifetime of that will grind you down and end up with you allowing him to do whatever he wants. It is great you are now trying to work out how to deal with him going up to your daughters' rooms. It seems you are going to have to be very direct and very firm, which I imagine will take some courage. Maybe looking at the bigger picture will help. You will be demonstrating to your daughters that they never have to allow people, especially men, to cross boundaries and they don't have to tolerate bad behaviour because women are expected to be polite and put up with it. And going into private areas of someone's home uninvited is incredibly rude and disrespectful.

He might not take it well and that is too bad. He might even stop coming to your house, which might not be a bad thing at all.

I’m not sure what the issue is.

As you said, they’ve been downstairs and eaten so they know he’s there and so they’re not going to be in their rooms lying around naked.

Whats the difference between them being alone in their bedrooms vs alone in the kitchen?

I’ve always gone upstairs to say bye.
I don’t want to force them to stop doing what they’re doing just to come and say bye.
I’ve never seen anything wrong with it as they know I’m there.

Why not compromise and ask him to call out for them to come outside of their rooms instead of coming downstairs.

I don't think he'd go in the loo. Usually people lock the door!*

No, I wasn't suggesting he'd go in. If you're sitting on the loo it might be embarrassing for some to proclaim the fact.

Why would he have to go into the bedroom? Surely he would just knock on the door and wait for them to stick their head out

Exactly. Win win.

Right. I think if one of the girls was using the toilet she'd probably just be in that space and not respond.

If he has always done this, then its a routine and I doubt he thinks anything wierd of it.
But as the girls don't like it, he needs to be told and not do it.
Whether that means saying goodbye to the OP and not the girls or calling up from the bottom of the stairs, will depend on how the brother and the girls respond to the change.

If your daughters feel uncomfortable with him coming into their space it is fine to tell him to wait downstairs. Could they lock their doors and then when he comes up he will have to knock. I am sure after one or two times he will take the hint.

FWIW I love how you recognise that teens need their bedrooms as their private space.

However, whenever I have guests I always tell them to tidy their rooms and expect people to come in.

Having their own space doesn’t mean no one can ever go in.

Surely he knocks the door and doesn't just barge in? Can they not just come to the bedroom door, say goodbye then go back in. They don't need to allow him into the room?

But if it bothers them then just call them loudly when uncle is about to leave to come down and say bye. Presumably they will if they don't want him coming upstairs?

Ultimately he either has ill intent or not though. And if I thought he was a perv I wouldn't have him in my house.

Read all the OP’s posts.
The brother has been bullying her as a child.
It’s making her dd uncomfortable.
It’s not the fact he is going upstairs. It’s HIM that’s an issue. Him, his behaviour and the fact the OP (with good reasons) doesn’t trust him

@Unconvinced8768
How bad was the bullying?
And what is awkward in his behaviour? Can you give us examples?

Wouldnt have an issue with this, only if my brother was abit creepy and predatory which I think id be able to pick up on. I think its weird of you to think this is weird. Hes just saying goodbye

OP, trust your instincts. Have a separate word with your daughters about saying goodbye when they go upstairs, and then have a conversation with your brother about not going upstairs. Don't be drawn into conversation about it - your house, your rules. You DON'T have to explain yourself - either on Mumsnet or at home. It's your home, where you feel safe. You make the rules.

If you really have those instincts about him then you're a terrible parent for having him near your kids. You don't just get to decide he's ok to be around them in certain situations. So if you are serious about this, then you have to treat it seriously. No one on here can tell you whether you're right or not