AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

[Unconvinced8768]

When my brother comes over to visit, maybe monthly he comes over for lunch or whatever, my 2 teen DDs join us for a bit but are usually off to their rooms by the time he leaves.
DB has a habit of saying ‘right I’m off I’ll just go and say bye to the girls’ and heads upstairs to say goodbye to them.

I would rather call the girls down than have him go to their bedrooms. I think it’s a bit weird and the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

so AIBU to think it’s weird and how can I tell him to stop without causing offence?

It will be normal in some families and not others.

My brother would sometimes go upstairs to have a chat with my daughter before going but they've always done that.

If she'd told me she wasn't comfortable with relatives going up to her room, I'd tell my brother that and call her down. And there'd be no problem with that either.

If your daughters aren't happy with it, you need to communicate that to him. It doesn't matter what happens in other people's families.

Not in our family. DGPs say goodbye to the DC in the hall when we shout them down. They always knew they had to come straight down, so we’d tell them beforehand so they knew bit to get into a long gaming session.

You're uncomfortable, you're dc are uncomfortable.

Block him, and yell for them to come down and say goodbye - is there a pattern on his behaviour?

Talk to him and tell him that you would prefer him to say goodby downstairs

the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

That is all you really need to know.

Well then that's the problem. Not what is normal in other people's households.

Tell him it's not to happen. If he insists on doing it, he doesn't come round.

It should not be left to teen girls to protect themselves. The adults should create the conditions where this is automatic. Therefore the mum, op, should be saying no to her brother going upstairs. And, I would go even further to say that his invitation to lunch rescinded in future if he continues to breach boundaries.

Young teen girls should not have feel uncomfortable pandering to adult males.

My brother would look around and go those girls are hiding in their room? Go up, lift them up and carry them back to the group. They’d scream and giggle and love it.

He was a bully to you and you allow him in your house?

Something is upsetting your DC about him so I’d stop the invites if I were you. If you still want him there you need to be quick on the mark and call the DC down, having warned them beforehand. In fact I’d say something when they are leaving the table, eg I’ll call you both down when your uncle is leaving.

If he questions it tell him they both like their privacy now, so we’ll do goodbyes in the hall.

If he pushes back after that, stop him coming round.

Why aren't you standing up for your girls? They don't like it, it is up to you to stop it.

MN is absolutely mental. He is going into their rooms to say bye. If you (and them) are that worried about him doing this then he shouldn’t be in your house.

Why is it weird? I’m really close with my uncle (mum’s younger brother) and he’s seen me in some right states as an adult and has changed my nappies as a baby, so I don’t understand how this could ever be weird. He is just saying goodbye. Do you not trust your brother? If so, What is wrong with him for you not to trust him to say goodbye to his nieces for gods sake?

if it’s that much of an issue just say to him “the girls don’t like people going up to their rooms, teenagers ey?! Just shout up to them!”

Hi OP, we have 2 teenagers and none of our extended family have ever felt the need to go into their rooms. And if anyone did,.they wouldn't like it at all. Just casually say they're teenagers now and don't want him going into their rooms. If he's decent, he'll understand and will probably be a little embarrassed that he had to be told. I don't understand why others on the thread are trying to say you suspect him of anything. Families often don't recognise that nieces are getting older and need their privacy....they're just still seeing them as little.....

Have you got Alexa setup in different rooms? We ask Alexa to “drop in on X room” if DS is upstairs and we want him to pop down and say bye to Grandma / Sister etc before they leave.

If you’ve got one could you engineer scenarios earlier in the day when your brother is visiting where you speak to your daughters via Alexa? Then you could say “this is great, means we don’t have to keep running upstairs to talk to them, it’ll save you having to go up there when you leave”.

How old are they?

I had this with fil years ago. The girls said they didn’t like it as he just walked straight into their rooms, and that they’d prefer it if I called them down. So I told him not to go upstairs as they didn’t like it, but to shout them down instead. He did look annoyed but I’m going to prioritise my girls feelings over those of a man. Also if he continued to do it then he’d be walking into their rooms unannounced when they’re teens and possibly getting changed. I have never done this in anyone’s house as bedrooms are a private space.

Just yell up to the daughters that Uncle is going home .

The kids bedrooms are their private spaces, if they don't like him going in to say bye then he doesn't go.

Go with your instincts. You are uncomfortable with it and so are they. It’s your home and their home, not his. If he cannot respect that, he cannot come over.

I usually have to go into my teenage nephews’ bedrooms to say goodbye because if they’ve got their gaming headphones on, they can’t hear me shouting up from downstairs!

However we are very close and they are perfectly happy with me coming into their rooms. It’s never been an issue in our family, but I understand boys can feel very differently about privacy at this age to girls.

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that a male relative is doing something weird by wanting to say goodbye to his nieces. Their bedrooms should be private spaces, of course, but it’s not inherently weird for a relative to pop their head round the door of a teenager’s bedroom to say goodbye.

However, if you feel weird about it and your daughters feel weird about it, then it shouldn’t be happening. I would say, though, that if you feel weird about your brother being alone with your daughters even for just a few moments, then you’ve got bigger problems and he shouldn’t be in your house at all.

Well it’s completely normal if he sticks his head around the door and says ‘Right I’m off now Charlotte, good to see you, good luck with that exam on Tuesday, hope Mum treats you to those trainers after all your hard work! Bye then! See ya soon! Cheerio!’

But if he goes in without knocking and sits on her bed and picks up her dirty knickers from the floor and asks if she’s got a boyfriend then I can understand your concern.

Yep just call up to come down and say bye.

Just say no I'll shout them down, end of, problem solved.

I’m really just trying to work out if it’s normal for extended family members to go to a teenagers bedroom to say goodbye or not

In this house and any of those of family members it would be normal to shout upstairs "right, I'm off now!". If no response from upstairs, one would say "I'll tell X you said goodbye"

I mean, who's to say they're not in the loo or halfway through getting changed?
I don't think it's exactly 'weird' for him to go upstairs but, thinking about it, it's a bit unnecessary - shouting up is much more the norm.

I don't think he'd go in the loo. Usually people lock the door!

My upstairs is always really messy so I'd be like, nah don't it's a state upstairs and shout him down. (my eldest is almost 16, i do not tidy his bedroom, and hes gets embarrassed by his mess)

But I don't think twice about shouting up / going up to say goodbye to my older nephews - they are 10 & 12 so just reaching the anti social stage where they say hello and then leave to go do their own things upstairs, I like to just check in, I'm off now, your good though yeah? Text me if you need me.

I love them and I'd feel gutted if my brother thought I was a threat in anyway.