I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

On so many levels your husband is a walking red flag.

Who the fuck emails their wife to have conversations that should and could be had face to face?

Yes that is really weird and crosses all sorts of red lines. Perhaps he wasn't a medical professional but even so it borders on stalking, the op doesn't know this person socially at all and he has sought her out. 'Lovely bedside manner' was an unfortunate comment he may have taken that the wrong way and as encouragement to contact her. And if she enthused about him to her DH as much as on here I can understand him getting annoyed about them striking up a friendship.

Do you understand that you are in an abusive relationship?

Your H is abusive, controlling and jealous.

It may be that the HCP is creepy etc, it may be that you came up as ‘people you may know’ simply by being in the same area, and he just clicked on it.Though as a HCP he should be more wary.

Anyway, policing your page in detail, checking YOUR phone for your results, carrying on both aggressively and passive-aggressively , all huge red flags.

Massive achievement in gaining your qualification, OP, really well done.

You have correctly identified your marriage as toxic. Is your out-earning and out-achieving him a source of resentment and insecurity for him?

Your husband is awful, jealous and controlling. Telling you that you are vile and disgusting for being friends with a colleague on SM is batshit. Not wishing you luck or congratulating you on your achievement is horrible. I bet your self esteem is very low from being in this relationship ☹️

However, I do think it’s very unprofessional for a medical professional to add people on SM and I would’ve put in the complaint. He would’ve had to get your full name from your records then be purposefully looking for you. There is no reason he would need to connect with you outside of work, and he should know this

His controlling, paranoid, idiotic behaviour is appalling OP, truly appalling. He doesn’t respect or trust you. He fears your success. He may be becoming dangerous. Get out.

You seem to be very accepting of your husbands controlling behaviour.

Wow sorry you are with this controlling abusive arsehole. Bet he's cheating on you.

divorce this controlling loon or seek couples therapy brocades his controlling behaviour. Make sure he knows you mean it, he will change his tune if he sees his meal ticket leaving.

Honestly, given your update I would LTB

You're choices are simple. Either battle through a divorce and come out free to live your life as you see fit or stay his prisoner for the next 20, 30, 40+ years and hope his mental abuse doesn't progress to pysical abuse.

I know which I would take.

Double standards or what, how would this discussion be going if she had found out that her DH had added this young attractive nurse, that had treated him at the surgery, to his friends, because she was so nice and friendly, put him at his ease and had a great bedside manner. Would she be allowed to be annoyed and give him a bit of stick, probably she would be advised to get her ducks in a row because he must be cheating.

I think it's odd the guy sent you a friend's request & odd that you accepted it.

That pales into comparison with your husband's abusive behaviour though.

OP you need a divorce and you need to ring the medical practise not to complain but to give them the heads up to retrain that guy - it’s unprofessional to make contact with a patient that way and he’s setting himself up for all sorts of allegations if he does it to someone else and they are offended.
the priority is the control you are under by DH, you seem to know it and have submitted to it.
get some counselling

Rules?
Not allowed?
@DopamineDeficient this isn't a partnership. Please look after yourself

Is this lady someone he knew? That's quite different from your situation.
I can't fathom why you accepted a friend request from a medical professional you had met once. Yes, he was wrong to have sent the request but it's just plain odd that you would want a stranger to see your profile, or for you to see his. Weird. I think there is more to this than you're letting on!

It would be painful but that wouldn't last for ever and you can have a future where you are free.

You need to find your anger. I was with an angry controlling man for a long time and I know how it grinds you down and accept completely abusive weird unacceptable behaviour.
The HCP is also a weirdo freak, who frankly should also be losing his job.
Please get your self FREE. Going through a divorce will be a piece of cake after living with this awful man

oh, lovely, this is no way for you to live

any man who calls you vile and disgusting, why would you stay in the same room as him never mind stay married to him.

you so deserve to have people around you who love you, who value you and celebrate your successes with you.

the man you describe is not that. He is not a fit partner for you.

you earn more, you have the means to escape. The faster you get out the better your life will be. The way you seem to accept his power over you is very worrying

How would you react if a friend, a daughter of a sibling revealed that they were being treated so badly.

Do you have support in real life? Please reach out to someone. If your friends and family don’t understand, try women’s aid.

all the very best

p.s. posters asking why are you not allowed to do <anything> are completely missing the point. It’s up to you. You are an adult.

Please, please find the strength from somewhere to leave this man, this is NOT a man to grow old with.

Why are you putting yourself through being with such an awful man? You deserve so much better

Please leave this man, you will end up being the latest victim on the news of a man’s jealous rage! Can you really be bothered with a life of worrying about if you’re adhering to his “rules”? I think that’s exhausting! You are doing well for yourself, you could have a nice home on your own

This is a shitter but do you want this life? Is this what you want until you or he dies!?

"That wouldn't be accepted".
Why on Earth are you bowing down to this man? He is your husband, not your manager at work or something. You are his equal, you are not beneath him. Can you see that the way you speak about your husband is unusual?

What the OP is describing is in no way ‘a bit of stick’. It’s a seriously controlling and abusive marriage

Please don’t confuse the picture.