I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

Please seek support for Coercive Control whichbis a serious crime.

Walk into any police station and ask for advice.

Contact Women's aid.
You might be eligible for legal aid.

This is a very bad man.

Me too, I think it's unprofessional, crossed a boundary maybe🤔

Your husband MASSIVELY overreacted.
The HCA who sent you the friend request was also unprofessional in doing so.

Congratulations on your accomplishment by the way 💐💜

HRTFT too long.
I'd say the health care "professional" wasn't professional at all. That's a breach of conduct. Why would he want to add a patient as a friend on Facebook?!
And why are you putting up with such a controlling husband?
My husband doesn't care who I have on my Facebook friends list. Nor do I care who he has on his! Yours clearly doesn't trust you for some reason, unless he's just a jealous, abusive dick.

Only read the first post, but from that, it's obvious your husband is abusive.

It was totally unprofessional and inappropriate of the HCP to send a friend request to someone they had only met in the context of a patient interaction. He should never have placed you in that position. That is appalling. Also, your husband if an overreacting emotionally abusive dick.

Hi op I would start with some counselling for yourself before making any decisions there is a lot to untangle here.. Your dh is abusing you because he is very insecure the friend request is something you fixed and realised it wasn’t appropriate he should have accepted that. Op your dh behaviour is off the scale. You are supposed to trust each other has he ever cheated on you or got over friendly with another woman. I think if you can’t have male contacts he can’t have female ones either. Op it’s one rule for you and another for him. Look up controlling behaviour.

Living the life you do with a controlling asshole is more impossible. There is freedom and independence at the end of a divorce, all there is now for you is misery and abuse.

Congratulations and well done on your hard work!!!

Not going to acknowledge the idiot

My DH and I wouldn't even notice if a new friend was added on social media, never mind questioning it and getting so angry. He sounds controlling.

Two men behaving very weirdly, I can understand someone pointing out to you that it's very weird for a healthcare professional to friend request you, not appropriate at all, but that aspect seems to have gone by your husband and he's more focused on you accepting a friend request and this somehow now making you all a thruple. It would be funny if there wasn't something controlling and slightly sinister feeling about it. Look after yourself OP don't be a boiled frog

Unsurprisingly it is both the men in this situation who are wholly inappropriate. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Yes, it's surely unreasonable you haven't reported that? Many patients are bothered that they have to give details to non-doctors that they'd never have given in the past, and after the receptionist who leaked private details, people do worry about their information being used incorrectly. Hasn't this person done that?

Let’s say the OP wants to make a formal complaint about the healthcare professional. The complaint is now in the system and eventually the healthcare professional is dismissed, barred from working as a healthcare professional.

Then what? Is the problem solved? No, because the problem was 0.01% the healthcare professional and the main problem is the husband.

How weird. I don’t have a clue who my partner has on SM and wouldn’t ever think to check. He sounds very controlling, maybe you shouldn’t have accepted the request but his reaction is completely odd. If that were me I’d just express to my partner it’s a bit odd of the doctor but that would be it.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong whereas the two men in this scenario definitely have.

So? That's his problem not yours and you need to tell him so. If he doesn't trust you he's free to leave.

Or you could save him the hassle and kick his disgusting arse out.

OP, my father was like this. Every birthday that wasn't his, he would ruin - just like your achievement is being ruined by your husband. With my father, it was like he couldn't digest anybody else deserving positive attention and so would find some niggle to explode into chaos. You need to explicitly draw attention to this (your achievement being minimised against the backdrop of you daring to have a male Facebook friend - which is completely normal, btw) to your DH, and then call him out the next time he does it, and the next - if you haven't left him by then. My father never changed. Don't waste your life on not being allowed to celebrate yourself.

Mine too.
As his children grew and left home, there was genuine outrage and hurt that he was uninvited to any celebration.
All big wins were celebrated away from home and at Christmas their children who lived away didn't return, due to the associations of Christmases past which he had ruined.

My mother whom had enabled also was not included.

A complete narcissist.

I haven’t had chance to read all of the posts so, apologies if this has already been said. But, do you think that he may have engineered this argument so that he could ignore/downplay your achievement (and make it all your fault that he’s done so). I only ask because I can imagine my OH doing similar.

Honestly, OP. You are a grown ass women with a great qualification and double the salary of the Dreadful Husband. You have no children together. Your adult children will know he is a complete waste of space. He only has the power you give him. Put a set of headphones in, ignore him, and get out of the marriage he has coerced you into. You need help and support IRL to get out but you can start by simply ignoring him and doing your own thing. Take it in tiny bite size steps if it feels overwhelming. Day 1, contact Women’s Aid. Day 2. Speak to a solicitor. Day three tell your family you are leaving him. Day 4 change the password on your phone and hide your phone. Day 5 Go away for a mini-break without him. Day six put the house on the market. Day 7 garner as much real life support as you can. Day 8 take your MIL to coffee and tell her what is going on. Etc etc. You can do this. And you must. You didn’t want to marry him and now you are completely controlled by him and you are playing mad tit-for-tat games over Facebook friends. How has your life been reduced to this. It’s mad. He’s not the Taliban.

Does accepting a friend request mean you want to shag that person? It’s the equivalent of cheating now is it?

This OTT behaviour isn't 'silly' it's narcissistic, misogynistic, selfish and downright immature! 😡
WRAF is the matter with so many men and why are their priorities and sensibilities so screwed?! 🙄

Fragile masculinity at it's finest!

@DopamineDeficient

It is time for a change.

Get prepared. Get informed. Get mental clarity.

There We Are Then.

Good luck!!