I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

Your husband is a nasty, controlling man who verbally abuses you. Are you sure you want to stay married to him?

@DopamineDeficient This is wrong on so many levels. The practitioner’s friend request, your H monitoring your FB friends and berating you, your H checking your phone for your results. Then punished over your H’s insecurities and controlling nature. This all needs to stop. You need to put a stop to this.

Take him off your FB friends list. Add settings to FB friends only. Change your phone password. Tell him any change upsets him so you’re preventing this happening. Take back control! He can be pissed off about this instead.

Congrats on your pass. Commiserations on your H choice.

Been here, got far too many T-shirts.
this is exactly the sort of behaviour I became used to, it is designed to make you panic, beg, doubt yourself, and comply.
sorry to say I have had no success with any attempts at reasoning with a man like this, even complying stops working

I left

You are married to a total arsehole.

He Is isolating you and telling you that he is the only thing stopping you from cheating is absolutely dragging your character. Stop propping this guy up. His self esteem is not a weapon to control you. He is bringing you down with him.

Congratulations on passing your exam however your husband is a complete arse.

You fd up, did the right thing in defriending and apologised. Yoyr DH is hurt by it all so no wonder he's not think ng about you. Put the boot on the other foot and think about how you'd feel.

Make sure you appease him.

We'll done in passing your exams and qualifying! Suggest to your DH you go out to celebrate and by way of apology it's on you.

Change the password on your phone and make your friend list totally private he has no business checking it

Having read your updates OP I feel a bit concerned for you. Your DH is very controlling. And you should know this is neither healthy nor normal for him to be policing you in this fashion. For sure he can have a conversation about a friend or friend request but this reactions and attitude are OTT

Your husband is a controlling twat, and is undoubtedly doing all this because your achievements and earning power make him feel inferior. I have loads of male Facebook friends, my husband is mature and secure enough to know that that is all they are.

You need to have a serious think about whether you need this nonsense in your life. If you want the marriage to continue, you could try a serious conversation about his insecurity and say that he must go for counselling to sort himself out. In the meantime, he will be blocked from access to your phone and social media and if you hear any more of this nonsense you will pack his bags and chuck him out.

Jesus fucking christ are you on glue.
Do not do this.
Your husband is an abusive controlling bastard.
Leave him.
Do not fucking appease him.

You didn't do anything wrong.
Make your phone more secure!

But why are you putting up with all this nonsense? Wouldn't being on your own be better? Where is your backbone?

I can't imagine anyone having the audacity to tell me who I can and cannot have on my Facebook. That said, the HCA shouldn't have added you and if they lose their job over it, it's on them not you and your marriage.

Sounds like you're doing good for yourself so take your new qualifications and start your new life without him. DOn't let him drag you down any longer.

“Allowed”? “Rules”?

You know your husband is a controlling abuser, correct? Why and how do you live with someone who speaks this way?

I add whoever I want to my social media and my husband doesn’t get a say. He also doesn’t use the “you’d have cheated but I stopped you” language yours seems to so often employ.

It will later come up he was the one cheating, OP. Please, please leave this man. There is no work that can salvage this mess. No second or sixteenth chances. Please break free from this abuser.

• Congrats on your qualification 👏 👏 👏
• Husband is an arse - anyone trying to police who I can be friends with irl or online can get to hell 🙄
• Very unprofessional of the health care assistant.

I have grown up children, non together. We have just bought a beautiful house, which I massively regret and and I just feel tired and the thought of battling through a divorce feels impossible.

I’m so disturbed by all the normalising responses that simply say that the husband is ‘an arse’. An arse? He’s tracking her social media and checking her phone, he’s practicing surveillance on her.

Are you in the UK or in a multi cultural relationship? I ask as you mention not knowing the rules. Equally, unless you know this HCP from somewhere else I find it odd that you would get a friends request on social media from them.

It all generally sounds very odd, why is your husband poking around your phone and friends lists in the first place. Whichever way you look at it it's an unhealthy relationship.

You do know the rules - they are whatever he says they are! Enjoy the beautiful (caged) house!

I have seen a lot of comments saying to change my password. That wouldn't be accepted. That would be a clear indicator that I have something to hide and I can't be trusted.

Had it gone on for a few hours then yes you were unreasonable I suppose possibly to accept his friend request but a week on and ignoring your amazing achievement he’s so out of order

Absolutely ltb. I have no idea if and when my husband adds people on facebook. He has lots of women and I have lots of men. We both hang out with people of both genders regularly both together and apart and it's no problem. We both hang out one on one with members of the opposite sex from time to time and the world doesn't end.

I'll be honest, I do think its unprofessional for someone who medically cared for you to add you on a social media platform. We have met many nurses who are so lovely and I would love to keep up with them but it's absolutely not appropriate to cross boundaries like that.

However, calling you vile and bullying you over this is horrendous behaviour that I would not be tolerating. You are an adult woman who can manage friendships and relationships herself. If he doesn't trust you then he should leave. His inability to trust, when you have done nothing to break his trust, is his issue not yours and you should not be controlled by it.

Bloody hell, your husband sounds unhinged! I know you’ve just bought a lovely house but is that worth the treatment that you receive from your prick of a husband? I’d rather be in a tiny one bedroom flat on my own personally.

He seems to have you well trained. For your own safety don't stay.

Separately though, health care workers should not be friending patients.

Do you think this is normal? Isn’t the thought of living like this forever MORE tiring than starting divorce proceedings?

Was he always like this?