I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

Did he actually send a friend request or did it just come up on her feed as possibly someone she knew. I know my boss appears occasionally as someone I might know.

Not punishments as such but a week of arguing, being told how vile and disgusting I am.

So because this guy was much younger than me I am absolutely disgusting for accepting his friend request and I should be ashamed of myself.

He doesn't say these are the rules but it certainly seems like they are rules. He says I don't know how to behave around men and the only reason I have never cheated is because he has caught me and stopped it. I have never cheated because I choose not to cheat, because he gave respect for myself (ha!) and my values and I wouldn't want to be a cheat. But no, he is fully convinced that the only reason I am faithful is because he monitors my interactions and prevents it.

Are you not allowed to have male friends on social media such as colleagues, neighbours or is it just random requests that your DH has a problem with?

His reaction is really OTT

Jesus fucking christ op - why the FUCK are you with someone so insane?! This isnt normal - please tell me you have no kids with this absolute twat of a husband and that you are seeing how awful he is behaving and are getting ready to leave him?!

Odd that he appeared after Op had had an appointment with him if he never had before though.

Accepting a friend request from male is not inappropriate unless you feel it is - regardless of what you husband says.

Your DH has been inappropriate in many ways - ignoring your achievement checking your phone monitoring your friends list.

The HCA is also inappropriate and should not be making friend requests to any patients - this needs reporting.

You have 2 inappropriate men it would seem, one may be easier to get rid of than the other but you should make plans to remove both from your life.

While I don’t think you did anything wrong by accepting the friend request, the HCP absolutely did. This goes against professional guidelines and is a total breach of privacy laws. They will probably still get in trouble for this. (And they should.)
Your DH’s insecurity is showing. The controlling, misogynistic wanker needs to be put in his place. (Not your house)

That is what my husband says. But the honest truth, I wouldn't even notice he had a new friend because I don't check his friends lists.

Last year he made me delete a male work colleague simply because he didn't approve of him, at the same time I asked him to delete one of his then, tit for tat yes, but I feel like I was compromising so he should too.

He added this lady back again two months ago and the only reason I know is because of this row we were looking at our friend lists.

Your husband is controlling and abusive. I'm really sorry you are with a man like this.

I think it’s very very odd for a healthcare professional who performed your appointment to find you on Facebook. Had a woman nurse or HCA found my DH after an appointment I would feel very uncomfortable.

I probably wouldn’t sulk like your DH, but it is bloody weird. Asking you to delete colleagues (unless there’s more to the story) isn’t great though.

I would think it weird if a health care worker who has treated you made a friend request.
That person must have searched facebook to seek you out. Unless its a lifelong friend of yours I would think it breaches professional boundaries

Well it's strange that the HCA sent a friend request but you did nothing wrong. You are entitled to have whoever you want on your Facebook. Nothing to do with Dh

Your husband is massively insecure and controlling. He may be projecting, who even thinks about cheating that much in a usual marriage?

Well done on your achievement 😁😁😁

This is so worrying! You need to think carefully about your future. 💐

This is actually quite controlling, i was married to someone who earned far less than me and became financially dependent. We never celebrated my achievements, instead there was always a row over something. That always fell on the same day/ time period, almost as an excuse for him not to be happy for me. I had to delete and stop talking to a lot of male friends during the course of that relationship. So ask yourself, 1. Has he ever really celebrated, congratulated you fully or made a big deal out of your acheivements? 2. If he left tomorrow would be financially independent? 3. Who's 'lifestyle' would suffer the most in terms of materialistic things if you weren't together? 4. Why on earth does he think he has 'stopped' you cheating? If you wanted to you could? 5. Has he cheated? 6. Do you see your friends regularly? 7. Do you have you own hobbies etc? 8. What else have you compromised on?

@Mummypie21i am allowed male facwbook friends but only ones that meet some rules that I am not fully aware of. So I want allowed male colleagues for a long time until my husband changed jobs and suddenly it was ok to have colleagues.

A friend of my brother sent me a request, I know the guy and have met him, my brother lived with me for awhile, but he is not on the approved list, why would I need him. Neighbours absolutely not.

FB has a way of generating friend requests from people who haven't sent them.

Either way, your DH is appalling for behaving like this.

From where I'm sat, it looks like you're using a lot of energy to work out how to protect two different men and it seems like a waste of your life to be responsible for appeasing them.

I know you'll say you can't just leave, but where do you draw the line on being exhausted by, in your words, your toxic marriage?

The HCA has been unprofessional but your husbands behaviour is much much worse
you haven't said if you have children but either way you need to be looking to leave this marriage, your husbands behaviour is not normal

You know you need to leave this marriage, don't you?

Getting your charter is a HUGE achievement, well done!

Im not the type of person who reads posts on here and says easily that two people shouldn't be together. But really is this how you saw your life in your 40s? Relationship wise. He is very controlling and thats just one aspect of how his behaviour is completely unacceptable.
Do you really want this stress? And its not going to stop as you both age. He will get more bitter and controlling not less.

Both these men are 'wrong uns

your dh for being controlling

the practitioner for being unprofessional

Your husband is batshit nuts. I can only assume that you are staying with him so that your children don’t have to visit him on their own, as you have a well paid job and have the means to house yourself independently?
I wouldn’t put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone let alone a husband.

OP, don't you understand how abusive and controlling your husband is? It's absolutely fine, and normal, for married women to have male friends.
Your husband has no right to phone the doctor's surgery on your behalf.
Your husband has no right to monitor or dictate your social media contacts.
Your husband has no right to set all these ridiculous "rules" for the marriage.
It is not your husband's decision as to who you should be "allowed" to have as friends.

You admit that this relationship is toxic, so what are your next steps?

I watch way too much trash TV but are you certain it was the actual HCP who sent the friend request and not a trap set by your husband? The timing seems a little too perfect to mess with your results. Also could explain how he knew so quickly that you'd accepted.

Also calling the practice is very concerning, sounds like he wants this person to lose their job.

Please take care OP he sounds really dangerous.