I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

The HCA friending you is creepy and so is your husband's phone policing. Do you have a history of poor boundaries with weird men? Take your qualification, get an awesome job and set up home on your own!

Sorry that was a bit garbled, my typing was awful. Think the gist is understandable still.

Your H’s behaviour Is weird and controlling to the point that it’s abusive.

1. Seriously, who would notice that their partners accepted a Facebook friend request within an hour? I couldn’t even tell you how many Facebook friends my DH has to the nearest 100.
2. Not that you should have to justify who you’re friends with on social media, but even when you’d explained who the person was, he carried on arguing about it for “days“
3. Instead of asking you about your exams, he went and checked your phone and checked your emails, that’s not normal.
4. He has made absolutely no effort to celebrate your massive achievement. I bet if this was reversed, he would expect a parade.

I think, if you look hard, you’ll find that he has manufactured a situation where he has an “excuse” to diminish and ignore your massive achievement; and if you look really hard, I suspect it’s not the first time.

You weren’t in the wrong initially you’re not in the wrong now and you deserve better.

The HCP was inappropriate, however your husband is a controlling bully.

Omg you are not safe in this relationship speaks to someone please your husband cannot get away with this level of control next you'll be barred from going to medical appointments

I think the HCP has broken data protection rules adding you, it’s completely in breech of professional standards.

That aside, your DH is controlling you. Even the fact you think this is all your fault says a lot.

Thanks for the congratulations, I actually have a really good job and earn twice what my husband does. It's embarrassing that at my age and position I am arguing about a friend request for a whole week to the extent that my achievement went uncelebrated.

This is shocking!

I wonder if he’s finding something to fall out with you over because you have passed an exam ?

I assume that you now have higher earning potential?

like a sulky 10 year old jealous of his friend.

urgh . Call his bluff. Say it’s a shame he’s so unhappy and maybe you should separate.

then do a happy dance

This

You have the means to leave him, run like the bloody wind.

Have you kicked off at your husband about phoning the doctor?

Have you told him that you have said you have no complaints and you told the surgery that and confirmed that he has no permission to speak for you?

Because he won’t like any of that.

Gatekeeper to the marriage, keeping other men out, what does this even mean?

He is using your achievement and lack of acknowledgement as punishment. It’s unfortunate timing in one way, but perfect in another.

So now you know what he is really like @DopamineDeficient, he thinks you are lesser than him not an equal. He thinks every single behaviour of yours up to accepting a Facebook friend request needs his approval, which you don’t even know what that covers until after the event sometimes.

And if you misstep, well accept the unreasonable punishment, over unreasonable demands. Know your place, below him, as a service wife to him, as a service human to keep him feeling like king of the golden penis.

This is what you will have to put up with if you stay married. Your choice.

Your DH is an idiot and I can’t imagine how you’ve put up with his controlling behaviour so far.

He had no business complaining to the dr on your behalf and I completely understand why you told them you didn’t give permission for him to speak for you. But… he wasn’t wrong to think the drs ought to know that the HCP is acting like this. I’m sure it must break the terms of his contract. No harm was done by his request to you, but it could be very different if he tries to befriend a vulnerable person he’d met in the course of his work.

Your husband is controlling. You can't reason with someone who fundamentally has different values.

I'm not sure where that leaves you, but I wanted to challenge your initial acceptance that you were unreasonable. You weren't.

Fwiw, I think the healthcare worker has seriously breached a professional boundary and should be pulled up on it, but your husband is your main problem.

There isn't really a way to talk this out IMO.

A HCP should not be approaching ex-patients online. That's is definitely against code of practice if they're in a registered profession.
That said, I believe your husband is resentful of your success and is manufacturing an argument so that he can undermine you.

Neither of these men come out of this looking great. You need to let your husband know how disappointed you are in him, for a change, see how he likes it.

Massive overreaction by your H, both the the initial friend request acceptance and in the ongoing sulk.
Do you have children together?
Is he challenged by the fact that you achieve well in the field of work and earn more than him?

Mega congrats. A family member did that sort of studying and I know how hard it is. Be very proud of yourself.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Do people really think that being a “friend” on social media has any meaning anyway?

Your husband is a controlling asshole. Do you really think that his behaviour is acceptable?

Yes. I would not tolerate that.

Your DH is a controlling abusive asshole. He’s jealous of your achievements. You have done nothing wrong. Password protect your phone, get your ducks lined up and leave. This will only get worse. Don’t have kids with this guy.

There are two issues here, unprofessional health care worker and an abusive DH. Get out of this marriage. His behaviour is frightening and will only get worse. Do not have children with him.

I would have thought it’s a disciplinary offence for the healthcare assistant never mind anything else.

You wrote something like “I don’t know all the rules and often fall foul of them”, something like that. What kind of rules are we talking about? Okay, yes, most relationships will have stuff we do and stuff we don’t do because it would upset or hurt our partner, but usually these are considerations, not rules, and the language bothered me and made me worried about you. Are you in a marriage where there are literally rules and punishments if you break them? (and we’re not talking some kind of bdsm lifestyle?) If so, I’m concerned for you. I may have misunderstood but either way, your husband having a go at you for a week over something that was resolved instantly, is a worrying over reaction.

@frozendaisy I haven't mentioned it at all because I know it will be blown up to look like I am protecting this guy because I fancy him or something. I just hate the thought that someone could lose their job because of our toxic marriage.

Apparently I must have been flirting and leading him on for him to have thought it was ok to send the request. I feel so worn down by it all.

I think there was a bit more to you accepting the friend request. You’ve underplayed it, but you need to be very honest with yourself here.
It was also massively unprofessional of him to do that, and it’s surprising that you, as a professional yourself, didn’t recognise that. I think you were flattered.

Your husband overreacted and his reaction to your achievement was incredibly disappointing. You will get a lot of support on here and rightly so perhaps. But the opposite would be true if your husband posted on here, saying that he had accepted a friend request from his young female nurse. And his wife was pissed off. The support would be overwhelmingly in her favour.

Most importantly, your husband is controlling and emotionally abusive. Reviewing your Facebook friends and telling you what you can and cannot do is control, silent treatment, ignoring your success to hurt you, and repeatedly coming back to your 'wrongdoing" even though you apologized is emotionally abusive.

The healthcare worker broke professional ethics (attempting to be friends with an ex patient, perhaps used data recorded for healthcare purposes (your name) in another way (to look you up on Facebook)). It's up to you whether you report that.