I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

Your updates about not being g able to change your password and even worse him contacting the GP on your behalf make it even worse.

i know the idea of a divorce is probably exhausting, but you need to get out, the more control he is allowed the more he will want. He is abusive.

Ridiculous manbaby.

How is accepting a friend request from a man “allowing another man into your marriage”? Your husband has wildly overreacted to this, unless there’s more to your interaction with this guy?

The healthcare assistant shouldn’t be sending out Facebook friend requests to people he met in a medical
setting, however your Husband sounds like an absolute idiot…
He must check your friends list to know that you had added someone new, has made you cut contact with a male friend he didn’t approve of, phone the DR on your behalf without permission and sulks…
Sorry but I wouldn’t be hanging around, you have no joint children, a good job etc sounds like he doesn’t bring much to take table if you’re even too scared to change a password as ‘it wouldn’t be tolerated’
It sounds awful!

he is fully convinced that the only reason I am faithful is because he monitors my interactions and prevents it.

You are in a coercive and controlling relationship with a very dangerous and manipulative man. Please seek help from Women's Aid, Refuge or your GP. I'm being very serious here. He is not a good man.

A male health practitioner friend requesting a female patient after one appointment? That is highly highly unprofessional. Surely you must have realised that?

I would have said to my DH ‘God that’s weird, you know I went for that over 40s check up? The bloody nurse has friend requested me? Isn’t that unethical? Delete!!!’

But hey-ho, that’s done and your DH has blown it out of proportion and he sounds extremely controlling. He counts your FB friends? There are rules you need to abide by?

So tell him tough. If he wants to think that you're having orgies all the time, he can. It won't make it true, but you won't put up with his ludicrous insecurity and jealousy any more.

Hi OP's husband. Stop using her phone.

How on earth can you live your life like this? It sounds like something from the Middle Ages - you do know that he doesn’t own you?

The amount of time you say ‘I am allowed’ in your posts is truly very disturbing OP. I hope you realise this is not normal or healthy

People need to let the Facebook request thing go. I get requests from our firm's clients all the time. Some are FB friends with colleagues. Some wouldn't know how to send a request, some don't even know who I am. It's fb's creepy algorithms. I've also no idea who is on DH's FB list. He's in a hobby group and has new people adding him all the time. I'd never be arsed to check. I do have access to his passwords.

OP, the issue here is control. Everything thing you have said, that is designed for you to say you were in the wrong, to diminish your achievements, to tell you who you can talk to, is abuse. I'm shocked anyone thinks his behaviour can be justified.

Please start making plans. Men who use coercive control can turn violent.

Hello husband.

If your dh monitors your phone to this extent, he’s probably got access to your mumsnet account too. Either directly or indirectly. He only has to read your emails that come from reactions to comments and click those links to access threads.

Be wary.

There are so many red flags here from both the HCP and your DH.

1. The HCP should never have sent you a friend request. That is utterly bizarre and alarming.
2. Your DH should not be checking your socials and telling you what you can and can’t do
3. your DH shouldn’t be communicating with you by email if you live in the same house
4. You should be able to change your password whenever the hell you like

This reads like you have a history of abusive men in your life and don’t know what normal is anymore. I’d be concerned your DH is reading everything on your phone including this (if he is it’s very wrong and he needs to fuck off)

please speak to someone in real life.

What positives does this relationship bring to you?
Be honest.

Congratulations on your exam pass!

Your husband is controlling, this behaviour of "rules" that you don't know about and never agreed to (I say that only as some couples might agree "rules" for their relationship, but the key point here is agree, not have 1 person set them) and the punishing of you for transgressions is coercive control.

However, as an HCP I would be very concerned about any HCP, regardless of age or sex, sending a friend request to a patient. This is absolutely drummed into us during training, and you should report it to your GP practice with the evidence. Yes, the HCA will get into trouble, but he should do - this is basic healthcare principles, and all healthcare staff will know this and had training about this. Cynically I would wonder why a man in his 20s is sending a friend request to a woman in her 40s, but regardless, even if he has innocent motives, it's grossly unprofessional. You might be saving him from a worse situation where he meets up with a patient that he has friended and then gets accused of something such as unwanted sexual contact.

I just feel tired and the thought of battling through a divorce feels impossible.

There is no need to rush into it.
Now you know, you are in a controlling and abusive relationship.
But if you are in no immediate danger, take time to gather your strength, get your emotions under control, and slowly make plans to leave.

If you start to challenge him, or do things like change your phone password, he is likely to ramp up the abuse and grind you down even more. So it may be best to keep quiet for now and don't rock the boat, but you need to keep your eyes on the goal of getting him out of your life for good, don't let this horrible relationship drift on. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to find the strength to end it.

he is fully convinced that the only reason I am faithful is because he monitors my interactions and prevents it.

What?

So he doesn't trust you?

So what is the point?

Does he then only want to be with you to control you & make you miserable?

Who wants to be with someone they don't trust?

It really isn't that odd. I have lots of strangers who ask to be FB friends because they know of me through my work, are interested in stuff I've put on FB, etc etc. I have no information on my FB that is particularly personal - probably the most personal thing I've mentioned is the birth of a grandchild, and my parents' funerals, and it really doesn't bother me if the world knows about that.

@DopamineDeficient why are you allowing him to control you? Will he hit you if you don’t agree to his demands?

If he’s not a violent person then you need to start asserting yourself and tell him to fuck off. Don’t put up with shit behaviour? What will be the consequences if you don’t do as he ask? Hit you? Sulk? Argue with you or give you the silent treatment? As long as he doesn’t hit you start doing whatever you want. You can start today. Tell yourself you’re no longer going to be controlled by this arsehole.

If you’re obeying him because you’re scared he’ll hit you then that’s a different matter. So providing there’s no violence put a stop to controlling and start pleasing yourself.

And massive congratulations on your achievement.

You really think it's OK for OP's husband to be so controlling about everything to do with her social media and phone? And to be still banging on about this trivial incident so much later?

It's utterly obvious that he was looking for a reason to spoil her big achievement because it makes him feel even more inferior. He's right to feel inferior, but that's mainly because he can't take a mature attitude to celebrating his wife's major achievements.

If you have a good job and a good salary, why do you need to be with such a silly and insecure man?

You weren’t in the wrong, your DH is an over reacting twat.

OP your husband sounds very controlling, this is not ok. Please make sure you're safe (could he see this thread via your phone?) and get some advice and support from someone like Women's Aid.

The HCP should never have contacted you, but I think the bigger issue for you right now is your husband and how he treats you.

This. Words like 'controlling', 'abusive' and 'toxic' get bandied about so often on MN that they've become almost meaningless, but this is a situation where they certainly are warranted. OP what you did was perfectly normal. For your husband to be even keeping tabs at all is a bit concerning, but for him to react like he's done is fucking nuts. Then for you to in turn react like you've done strongly suggests this sort of arseholery has been going on for a long time.

...and I've just seen your latest post - he sounds downright unhinged - you need to be plotting a way out of this as it cannot end well.

This is a very sad thread. I'm sorry you're living like this, OP. Your husband controls who you can be friends with, 'checks your phone', punishes you for perceived misdemeanours and wants to talk on your behalf to medical professionals. And I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. This is controlling, abusive behaviour. But I'm sure you know that. Please reach out to real-life support and protect yourself from this man. Congratulations on passing your exams despite this awful situation.